[Ascension]

Needing to vent because I don't have anyone to talk to about this at the moment as I figure out how to go about it with my wife and support team.

Because of a strict up bringing and shaming about anything sexual I have spent most of my life relatively uncomfortable with physical intimacy. The physical act of sex makes me uncomfortable but I have learned to embrace it to some degree for my wife of eight years. I do have a sex drive but I feel bad to "burden" my wife with it. I always feel like she needs her sleep, that she may think all I love her for is sex and that i am being selfish or disrespectful for initiating sex so I leave it to her. We have talked about this to some degree but she comes from a bit of the other end of the spectrum. Her family jokes about sex a bit, not a lot, but they are more comfortable about it then my family. She is a little younger then myself (myself 40 and she 31) so there is a bit of a generational gap due to sexual liberation and people understanding that sex is normal and healthy if used and done responsibly (50 Shades of Gray and all), something I still struggle with.

Sexual intimacy has become even more complicated because I am a bit older and take medications as many people with bi-polar do so she tends to finish and I don't. We have tried to work around this some. She has done oral to manual stimulation before / after we have had intercourse to try to reciprocate satisfaction but it can take long periods of time that I fear cuts into her sleep and she sometimes gets tired from it taking so long.

I have had periods of hypersexuality before. I purchased male sex toys (got caught with one when I moved back in with my mother when in my college years and she is old school / nun when it comes to porn and sexuality) and watched or purchased more adventurous pornographic magazines and movies when I was younger and single, no big deal generally. I would go a week or two of increased self gratification and it would subside. But the last couple of months have been very hard for me. I am cycling and have had a very strong urge to be more active. My wife works a lot and we have a child. I have no alone time and feel like she is going to think me a pervert for feeling so excited. My rational and reasonable mind knows it's just psychosis driven sex drive from hypomania combined with the frustrations of impotence and delayed ejaculation and it will pass and it isn't that important but I have been obsessed lately. I am becoming resentful that my sexual needs are not met due to medication, age, no alone time and over compensation of objectifying women from my upbringing and constantly seeing jokes about "all men want is sex" and "I have a head ache / am tired" and I don't want to minimize my wife or be the sexually charged inconsiderate perv.

I have been trying to get back into see a psychologist but am fighting the red tape and the fact insurance offices are closed for holidays and weather. I tried to tell my wife I am feeling over whelmed (though I am ashamed to tell her I am super horny because I feel like a pervert). The hypersexuality is just one symptom of many that are nagging at me but the most triggering because of the shame.

I love my wife and don't want to hurt her over something so superficial as sex drive but it is eating me alive right now.

[Victoria'smom]

Girls have sex drives too So you like the evening time for you "fun"? I really suggest asking her if she's willing for you to initiate. She can say no without thinking bad of you. Check on you what is allowed in your relationship as far as porn, experimentation, and self gratification.

My husband is very sex is almost a negative thing. I'm a sex is awesome so conversations about it is like what you shop for at the store. He has a problem with impotence and delayed ejaculation. A ring helped him with some of it but he will be getting an ED medication to fix the other side effects. My husband was to embarrassed to say anything. so I blurted it out for him when he was with his DR. It's a common for bipolar meds to need other meds to counteract the side effects. Please talk to your GP, you deserve to finish.

[x_BabyG_x]

I think you need to be open with your wife about it. Sit down and talk, explain what's going on and then let her know that you don't want to make her feel like she's a sex object etc. it sounds like that's not the main issue here, it seems that the number one problem is how ashamed you are of it.
It's a natural thing, we're human beings out on this earth to procreate after all, and she's your wife I'm sure she will understand and appreciate your honesty and you can decide between you what the safest way to deal with your frustrations are. Good luck!!

[Perna]

I think it is wonderful you think about your wife but she has the final say about whether she does/does not want to help you so being anxious when she is enjoying/helping you that she may be tired, not interested, etc. really does not help you (or her) in the long run?

My husband has a 55+ year injury to his foot so he is in near constant pain and the only thing that makes him feel better is my massaging it a certain way. Almost every evening he asks me (or I suggest) massaging it for him and I go through all sorts of feelings about it, not having time to just sit and watch TV by myself, not being in the mood for his stinky foot etc. but the bottom line for me is I know he is in constant pain and only my help can make him feel better and I love him and want him to feel better. So, I have conflicting feelings sometimes but they will not hurt me! That is my stuff and I will gladly put up with those feelings to be able to put him to sleep and have him snoring so loud I cannot hear whatever TV show I'm watching because his foot has quit hurting him (it is fun at night in bed too with his leg jerking because of the pain and waking me) for that little bit of time!

Your wife loves you! Trust that and see if you can reciprocate sometimes (backrubs when she's tired?) my husband sometimes reads aloud to me from a book whose subject we both enjoy (great "together" time and discussion!) while I rub his foot. But let your wife be in charge of telling you how she feels and what she may like/need instead of your assuming and making yourself miserable over it?