[WrongEverything]

I think I know what crazy is now. This is madness and I am living it. Even my dreams think I need to be locked up.

I want to give up. I know who loves me and all that but I can't do this. I took my meds. I still feel like **** and keep triggering my self harm somehow...

I just wanna give up man.

[~Christina]

If you are unable to rein yourself in from the self harm then you should go in patient. It may not be the most pleasant thing in the world but it not the worst . If you yourself in to go you will be able to sign out in 72 hours . I went in once with over 37 cuts numerous needed sutures .. Nothing surprises those people .

Good luck !

Think about your safety, if you cannot keep yourself safe, then perhaps its time to go inpatient. It may feel like you are going crazy now, but if you go in they will be able to monitor and tweek your meds as needed and you wont always feel this bad. Its likely you will start to feel better sooner by going in rather than struggling on the outside.

Goodluck I hope you start to feel better soon

[WrongEverything]

I haven't cut yet but I keep thinking about overdosing and cutting. Luckily all I've got is the depakote and that doesn't kill you overnight >.> So here I sit numb, just thinking.

[Victoria'smom]

Can you take something to sleep? Then try to wait until 8 am to call pdoc?

[medicalfox]

Considering going into in-patient seems like a good choice. Being hospitalized isn't terrible depending on how you view it and how the setting is. I mainly watched Supernatural and ate pudding when I was doing better in in-patient.

[WrongEverything]

I don't have time for that. I'm an electronics engineering student and school starts tomorrow XD

I'm fine for now, gonna take that sleeping pill here in a minute.

[medicalfox]

There's always time to get the help you need. I'm a pre med student and I focused just on my education for years which lead to so much trouble. I'm doing better now since I'm focusing on my health and education. I only have a few more prereqs to complete before I can apply to the program I want to get into.

[WrongEverything]

But its a giant spiraling effect. hospital = no college = no job = living with parents forever = am i dead yet?

[medicalfox]

Talk to your therapist about this, I'm sure something can be done so you don't have to be hospitalized and get the help you need.

From reading your posts it sounds like you are winding yourself up over school. Try not to think about it, just go and do it, go through the motions at school and it will get easier. It will seem super hard to go the first day but when you get through it you will feel stronger. Try not to put too much pressure on yourself and use catastophising thinking. Give it a go, if you handle it, great, if you dont, try again next semester.

[WrongEverything]

I don't have a therapist, nor money for one. I have a medication doctor who doesn't care how i feel but rather why his pills aren't working.

[medicalfox]

Can your parents help pay for a therapist?

Have you tried any online therapy? Im sure there is a free CBT site. If you are interested I can find you the link. CBT changed my life when I was about 18 years old. It gave me so many skills for my anxiety that I still use today (10 years on). It sounds very much right now that you have been triggered into this state due to the stress of going back to school, if you can cope with the stress of school then your mood may improve. Im not a doctor of course so correct me if I am wrong, but sometimes it takes an outsider to see whats really going on.

[medicalfox]

Hey Supanova, could you post that link please? I'm suppose to have CBT, but I can't afford it atm so that website could be very helpful for the both of us

Hope this works for you in your country and I am allowed to post it https://moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome

If it doesnt perhaps ask your mental health practitioner for one in your country? My pdoc put me onto this site and surely there would be similar ones around the world.

[medicalfox]

The website says that it's for anxiety and depression, how come I need to take CBT for my autism?

[venusss]

Originally Posted by WrongEverything

But its a giant spiraling effect. hospital = no college = no job = living with parents forever = am i dead yet?

this may be a bit of catastrophizing... but eh, I always found school a good distraction from my own misery. I imagine hospital would be me, with misery and no distrations.

So it's up to you, whenever you can tough it through and see if school helps. But I am sure you wouldn't be kicked out for few days absence either, eh.

CBT has many aspects and can be used to treat many mental ailments. It teaches you how your thoughts affect your behaviour and moods. Right now I am working on the negative thinking aspect of the course, identifying thought patterns and challenging those patterns to produce a more positive mindset.

[medicalfox]

Oh okay, thanks for the info!

[WrongEverything]

I know it sounds like i'm catastrophising it and I am.. but that's not the issue. I have bipolar, its not going away, I will have ups and downs I can't control. And I just don't know if i'm up for a lifetime of this soul crushing.

When they talk of statistics on bipolar and suicide, I know why its high now. Somethin like 20% - 1 in 5 will kill ourselves.

What's the point of goign through these cycles that just return to crush you again?

[Victoria'smom]

Because as low as we can go, we also have wonderful optimistic veiws. We tend to be more compassionate and loving to the world around us. It tends to feel like why bother, I'll just end up here soon again but really try hard because when you come out of this you'll be glad you made I through.

Yep you have bi-polar, all of us on this part of the forum do. There are ups and downs and there are coping stratagies and techniques we can use to prevent those ups and downs from ruining our lives. It hard work, but it is worth it and it is do-able. Life can be great, and even though we go through these cycles we can still make the great bits fantastic and worth the dark times.

[venusss]

Um, the statistics are just that... statistics. You are not a statistic

Yes, you will have ups and downs... but with bit of work, right attitude and good lifestyle... they become more bearable.

Life is hard... but you cannot give up prematurelly.

If you are a college student, chances are very high that your school has free therapy services for students. Might be a good idea to investigate and get into therapy. BP can be managed quite successfully, but it takes a combination of therapy, good self-care, and often meds. Meds alone are generally not enough, not if you really want to take control of your life rather than giving up and letting BP run you into the ground. I am a successful 50-year-old woman. I work full-time. I have a successful marriage and 3 good sons. I didn't get there by saying I'm just a statistic, so why bother.