[wiretwister]

The longer I read these pages I wonder if I even am bipolar. I only had one episode triggered by an anti dep but the dr inpatiented me for 72. Since then medication. Its been 9 months and I have started hearing voices again, heard them as a child but not for the last 40 years. Also I cry at everything, good news, bad news, no news. My thought is I am being over treated having reactions to meds. I also feel like my memory is slipping. My depression is starting to lift I hope, maybe the crying is coming from there. Please humor an old man, I am debating coming off the drugs. My orginal health complaint was and still is workplace stress..that was where the anti dep came from..and yes the dr knows this stuff.....Randy

[dragonfly2]

Hi Randy,

Stress can be a big trigger for us. Good stress, bad stress, doesn't seem to matter. Anything that tips the proverbial apple cart.

Have you told your doctor about the voices? From an earlier post of yours it's not very clear whether or not these are actual voices (either inside or outside your head) or "feelings". You're on a healthy dose of Geodon, but breakthrough hallucinations are certainly possible.

As for the heightened emotions, it could simply be that you're finally able to release it all. I know sometimes my depression can leave me feeling numb and once it begins to lift, the floodgates open and I cry for days. Have you had a Depakote level done lately? It would be helpful to make sure you're at a therapeutic dosage. I would not come off the meds, not without talking to your doc about it.

As for the memory issues, I'm having problems there too. It could be due to age, medication, or just the normal progression of the bipolar. Depression can also wreak havoc on our memories and cognitive functioning. Let your doctor know about this. You can try mentally stimulating activities to improve brain function - things like crossword puzzles. math puzzles, brain teasers, etc. though I know some days it can be a challenge to get through things like that.

As for questioning your diagnosis, I think it's healthy to question things. There used to be a time when a diagnosis of bipolar disorder could not be made if the only mania present was induced by an antidepressant or other substance. That has changed with the new guidelines that the doctors now use (the DSM-5). Now they include a diagnosis of Substance-Induced Bipolar Disorder, so even if your mania was precipitated by an antidepressant, you can still be diagnosed with bipolar. Talk to your doctor about your doubts. And remember that no two people experience their bipolar in the exact same way. Just because your symptoms may be very different from others' stories that you read here, does not invalidate the presence of your illness. If your mania/hypomania was mostly anger and irritation, for example, it may have been more easily missed as mania and just called excessive anger. That was the case with my husband. He's not generally an angry person, but every spring he would just change. He'd become angry, agitated, and abusive. He also suffers from depression and we finally put two and two together and had him evaluated for bipolar. Once we realized it was a seasonal shift, it made it more clear.

I hope you continue to come out of the depression and start to really feel better soon.

[Victoria'smom]

With the hallucinations I'd say you should look at whether your coming out of depression into a mixed episode. You may need to take a hard look at how to de-stress your life more, even if that means changing careers.

[wiretwister]

I honestly do not know if it was inside or outside my head, had one yesterday during a stressful time at work..I "heard" low voices and ""saw" an image best described as weird {coiled black rubber like hoses on a circular disk} it was REAL and SCARY. time seemed to stand still.. brought back bad memories {emotions} from childhood. I used to hear these as a child but never knew I was not suppost too. I would welcome mania just to know if I am really bipolar

[Skittles56]

Hallucinations during extreme stress are not all that uncommon and they don't necessarily mean that you have a mental illness. The fact that you have had them since you were a kid says more about it. When you have the hallucinations do you become delusional? For example, have you ever had a conversation with one? When I was on Depakote I hallucinated pretty frequently. When I changed to Saphris, they went away. I am on Seroquel now and they have started again.

The crying sounds like depression. I cry a lot when I'm depressed. I just don't know about one episode of mania brought on by an antidepressant. One thing you might consider is a bipolar 2 diagnosis. Bipolar 2 is mostly depression punctuated by (usually) brief episodes of hypomania. Hypomania is a much more mild form of mania. In fact, a lot of people who are hypomanic can't even differentiate it from just being very happy. Maybe you should ask your doctor about that.

[wiretwister]

Have never talked to a delusion, they only last seconds but stop me in my tracks flat. I recently increased my Depakote from 1250 to 1500. I used to describe my life before meds as a ping pong ball in a hurricane. A long time ago I could have been called the life of the party but now just so mellow......does this sound bipolar?

[Skittles56]

Life of the party could be hypomania, but it could also just mean that you are very gregarious. Those exact words are what my doctor uses to describe mania.

Here's the thing about bipolar. It hits everyone differently in subtle ways. When I'm depressed, I hate my life and I have a hard time getting out of bed or motivating myself. As I said, I also cry a lot. But I've never seriously considered hurting myself. When I'm manic, I might hang around in hypomania for a short while, but then I'm off bugshit crazy trying to **** up my life as much as possible. You'll see a lot of people on the forum who have had to be hospitalized at either end of the spectrum, but I never have, though I came close a couple of times. That doesn't make me less bipolar, it just means I have a different way of coping with it. I suspect the same is with you.

You're on your meds and it seems to keep you on an even keel. That makes you wonder if the diagnosis is correct and you seriously consider going off your meds. That happens to me too. I am baseline to slightly hypo right now, and I am having all of the "I'm cured" or "the doctor was wrong" thoughts. The only thing that keeps me on my meds is how badly I **** everything up when I manic.

I didn't mean to make this all about me, but I was hoping you could relate to a personal experience.

[BipolaRNurse]

Interesting......I've been stable long enough now that those same thoughts ("I'm cured!" and "Well, maybe I'm not bipolar after all") have occurred to me recently as well. What kind of nasty trick is THAT to play on a person??!! I see it's pretty common, but this is the first time in years that I've been 'normal' long enough even to question my diagnosis. Wow.

Wow I am having the "nothings wrong" feelings as well. It takes reading my old journals or talking to my support network to realise that yes, I do need to stay on my meds. I am also having issues with my memory and I am on Geodon too, I am wondering if it is more prevalent on that medication?

*Hugs* to the OP, I hope you can find a solution.

[BipolaRNurse]

I don't know. I had bipolar brain-fade long before I was even diagnosed. It worsened dramatically when I went on Lamictal, though, which was my first BP med; I haven't noticed any real changes since I was put on Geodon. I'm getting older, too, so I can't discount that entirely. Bottom line: it sucks!!

[wiretwister]

I caught myself singing along with the radio today....I will keep you advised , I maybe on the elevator. I guess that would settle it.