[Mr. Radio]

Hello fellow bipolar people. My name is Mr. Radio, I state this because it encompasses everything I used to be about. Conversation as a radio talk show host. Now I've had fairly successful shows such as the "Sports Wrap," "Good News (worst show)," and "Buried In Time." I found myself able to say what was on my mind with the most education that I had to date. I would do prep work, show outlines, and come in with a lot of confidence about what to say for the show at hand. That's my history and why I'm called Mr. Radio

The reason I have a skull next to a mic as my profile pick is because the radio part of me is R.I.P ing somewhere. I have lost my confidence in speaking. Not only have I lost that confidence, but I also feel like I've lost the natural flow of words and topic related thoughts coming to my mind so I can have an educated input into a conversation. I am bipolar and had my first manic episode dating back to the end of November 2012 and that eventually led me to psychosis in mid December till January 10. Started receiving medicine on the Christmas. Merry freaking Christmas to me. You're crazy and have to go to a psych ward. I would of gladly of taken the coal if I knew it would come down to this. Maybe it was gods way of punishing me for thinking that I was god or maybe I'm not really crazy and people just have different realities and psychiatry is a fake practice made up to make money. These are all thoughts going through my mind.

The one thing that gets me however is that how can someone go from having everything to say and not even letting someone else get a word in (while manic) to being someone that can't get a word into the conversation? My psychiatrist said I should start seeing a therapist soon. I meet with my social worker today. I have brought this up numerous times on both this site and with my support groups and they all say it will change in time. I can confidently say that it's been 8 months of working out, working, relaxing, being with friends and "trying" to be sociable. Things have gotten a little better. I don't let the silence bother me as much an I seem to be more relaxed and not show more emotion. I have started a class and I seem to write fine and remember things from the film to state in words and critically analyze films and do things required for my senior level class. I seem to be able to talk to people normally online like I use to be able to. In fact I talk more online now then I ever did in the past.

I can't drink with my meds, I'm having jaw pain due to them, and I was off them for a week and didn't feel any difference. Is it possible that I don't have a mental illness and the whole thing is made up? People have been mentally ill since the dawn of man and it's survived evolution. Could our brains simply be experiencing different realities based upon our make up or should we conform to societies idea of normal. Everyone can fit into a category that is regarded as someone who is mentally ill.

My question, if you choose to respond is, why am I not in the middle of the conversation any more? Why have I become quiet? I do think before I speak and I think to myself whether or not what I say will have any merits. Other times when people speak for long periods of time without stopping I look to myself and I say "where is that?" I use to be able to do that and I was effective at that. Granted I've learned to be stronger in social situations and not care as much that I don't have much to say. It's helped me build character in places I didn't think I could, that is in the realm of being introverted.

How does someone make the transaction from being extroverted to introverted and then form into a combo of both as an ambiversion? I believe I'm a fairly smart man at least at a basic level and I don't think you lose intelligence after psychosis... although it feels that way. I listen to people talk and I'm think most of the time they don't have anything interesting they're talking about. Then if they are bringing up an interesting point, I don't have my strong opinion backing be up like before where I could use examples and argue a point. I feel normal when alone and haven't lost any skills at video games, writing broadcasts, doing papers, and playing sports. Thanks for reading.

[gayleggg]

I don't think I can answer you questions, but just going to add that being bipolar for me is far from being normal. My depression keeps me from doing the things I used to love to do. It keeps me from being with family and friends. It keeps me from enjoying my day and each day that goes by is one I consider lost. I can't get it back and the days just keep ticking away. There are memories I'm not making because I can't drag myself up to do anything. I hope this isn't normal. It would be sad if it were.

[florica]

Hey Mr. Radio. That you seem to be so unsatisfied with this transition makes me think you're still an extrovert. You seem to be craving more interaction with your external and social world, but unable to get the amount of it you desire for some reason. The impression I get is that you have mental blocks making communication difficult for you, and because you are an extrovert, this is making you unhappy. I'm not qualified to tell you what that mental block is, but have you looked into it possibly being social anxiety, depression or meds messing with your clarity of thought?

I think if you were really becoming introverted, you would be withdrawing because you find satisfaction in it - speaking as an introvert myself, I crave that! Hopefully your therapist can help you work it out. I would hate to be forced to act like an extrovert for too long when that's not really me, so I can kind of relate in a roundabout way.

[Phoenix_1]

I agree with florica. I'm a dyed in the wool introvert and have been most of my life. I can put on a good show when I have to but I don't enjoy it, at work, out with people socially, or anywhere else. The fact that you crave to be back where you were shows that you haven't really changed that much.
Some meds have side effects and every med works differently on different people. You never said what kind of meds you're on, but one of them may be affecting your thoughts and speech. You seem really erudite and articulate here. Much so more than me.
Maybe ask your doctor about side effects from your meds.

[Skittles56]

From what I gather, one of the effects of bipolar or meds or both is to cause you to "live inside your own head." (I think I saw that term used elsewhere in the forum.) I know that I do that a lot any more.

When I was manic, I was very extroverted. My problem was that I was just an asshole. I was arrogant and no one could tell me anything. I thought all of my opinions were right all of the time. When I came back to baseline, I was embarrassed by the way I had behaved, so I never owned up to it. I became extremely introverted.

I'm not suggesting that you are an asshole when you're manic. What I'm saying is that when you are (hypo)manic, you are very extroverted. When you are baseline, you are still an extrovert, but less so than when manic. Then, when you are depressed, you become an introvert.

I'm sorry about the meds. The side effects always suck. It's a matter of working with your doctor to get the right combination. It's not surprising that going off of them for a week didn't make any difference. It can take as much as a month for them to work their way out of your system.

Hope this helps.

[A Red Panda]

Originally Posted by Skittles56

What I'm saying is that when you are (hypo)manic, you are very extroverted. When you are baseline, you are still an extrovert, but less so than when manic. Then, when you are depressed, you become an introvert.

Bingo! That's me! Except when I'm baseline I'm also slightly more introverted than extraverted. Baseline is where our personalities are. But (hypo)mania is definitely a mostly extroverted phase, and depression definitely more introverted.

And Mr. Radio, based on how all of your posts are based around this? I would guess that you're actually in a depression right now.

[FallenTree]

Sounds like the effects of depression to me also

[Tom_X]

I agree with Skittles, It has to do with the comparison your brain makes between your manic/psychotic state and your current baseline/depression.
You probably are too socially embarrassed about what happened to you while you were manic/psychotic in a very self-conscious level (i.e. you're too aware of the fact that you were "sure" about your manic/psychotic delusions and they turned out to be false) so now, at least at some basic degree, you can be questioning your own opinions when you try to state them in a social situation.
That's the way I see what happened to me after my second episode (full-blown psychosis). When I had the first one (manic episode) I didn't interact with so many people, so when I came to realize that I was delusional about most of the beliefs that then arisen (that I was, literally, the smartest man on earth), I didn't get very socially withdrawn or felt ashamed as much as after the second break (when I became, literally, God).
My Pdoc once told me that you couldn't have symptoms of ideas that weren't inside you in the first place, so manic/psychotic episodes, the way I see them, are usually the manifestation of exaggerated sprouts that came from little "mental seeds" you already had. So it happens with the aftermath of a break, some seeds you were probably unaware of before (social anxiety, introversion or ambiversion, self-centerednes) sprout.
Some sorrows can't be gotten over, but can be only assimilated.

[Mr. Radio]

I think you're all right. The comparison between racing thoughts and normal thoughts make me feel slower. It is a mental block that I created. Becoming a person that always second guessed what was the right thing to do. I was looking for a absolute correct answer instead of laying my initial thought out on the line. I have been claiming that there is a problem with me socially due to illness. While that logically is true, it is also logic to state that the very thought of me thinking there was a social problem..... was in fact the social problem. It's just a matter of getting back into the norm and regaining my own self trust in what I'm saying and overcoming the stigma that comes with being labeled "Psychotic." People tend to take you less seriously, which is why people don't need to know. I've been lucky to have a strong social group around me in my friends that have had faith that I'll get back to "normal."

I have a knack and always have of over analyzing situations and conditions. As a result I stayed in depression for a long time thinking things would never get better. It's difficult to see the true lines. Now that I've restored faith that everything is and always has been normal since I've come out of the psychotic state, I feel somewhat upset that I never saw this. What the mind can do..... I went out to a boat party today and had a great time. More exposure and consistent positive thinking should get me back to be socially inclined to hold a conversation in any situation. These past few months have been eye opening. Finding out everything one believes to be true is false is a tough blow... I'm surprised that the doctors actually have medicine to bring people back after such a bad history... man am I glade I live in this day and age. Then again in 50 years or so they will probably have pills that can change our DNA and the way we develop so we don't even have mental illness. That's wishful thinking. Breaking the train of thought that I'm not normal is hard. I still look at people and wonder, wow how the hell can they talk that much about nothing.... I really want to get back to that.

Looking back I've had a lot of time to reflect on the person I was before. Although there were some great things, there is defiantly room to improve. I like time to myself as everyone does. I like to join interesting social conversations. I like to be me and that's something that has been hiding behind a personal mental block. I am stubborn and did not want to change my thinking. There is something wrong and I'm pissed. That was a depression and loss of hope. As I've always been told, things get better with time. That is true. I am not sorry for posting several times about this topic because it took me this long to get it..... I will not post anymore about this and I'm happy that you all helped me out. I hope to return the favor. Peace be with you.

[A Red Panda]

Mr. Radio: it's ok that you've started various threads about this, I at least can see how your progression has been going due to them (and it's why I feel like you've been in a depression). Have you been in a depression before? If not, and this is your first one? Well, that's reallllllllly hard to deal with especially when you aren't sure what's going on!

I also think a lot of people have a depression hit right after a (hypo)manic episode.

[Mr. Radio]

Yea, I'm pretty sure that was depression. First time I've ever been in a state that long feeling as if there was no hope.... hating everyone around me because I thought that their lives were better and didn't have to deal with ****. Also the fact that I've been unmotivated due to the hopeless thought. I think everything is getting better. Thank you.

[A Red Panda]

I'm glad to hear that you feel like you're coming out of the depression! That is always a nice relieved feeling when it happens.

I'm sorry that things have sort of just slammed into you in the last few years. I think, in a bizarre, messed up way, I think I'm a bit relieved that my depression hit so early - I've had a lot of time to get used to it and to my ups, and I guess I just grew up knowing it was a fact of my life, so I've never really been taken by surprise with my moods.

[Mr. Radio]

Yea, a little warning would of been nice... Besides psychotic thoughts and me not knowing any better. While I was manic things were too good to be true literally. So it came to an abrupt end due to medicine. Having never experienced depression, I was hesitant to believe I was in it. I think I'll come out of this stronger and more wise than I was before. When you come out of depression is like you're born again?

[A Red Panda]

I suppose it could be... I've never experienced it like that.

I don't tend to go from 0 to 150 though... my depressions and ups are usually fairly gradual so that I don't notice them until I'm in the middle of it. Hence why I find it extremely important to pay attention to my sleep/energy pattern as it's the surest sign to point it out to me. And I'm aware of my triggers for the most part, so if I hit one I try to deal with it as best as I can to hopefully not have it end up spiralling!

[wiretwister]

I love the idea of coming back to being normal. to be the one you were before. to think of yourself as you did before being dxed. now to find out how to do it. that's the question for me anyway... thanks for that idea mr radio