[Mack2]

I've been searching for peace all my life, inner peace that is. My recent attemp involves seeing a Chaplin. We have some very in depth conversations but no matter who I talk to, I just can't forgive myself. Forgive myself for all the suffering I have caused to those who love me, regret for every aspect of my life from the age of 13. Been off the rails sine then. Everything I've done I regret, the drinking, the drugs, selling stuff to pay for drugs, calling parents at stupid times, getting into trouble with police, self harming, putting my daughter ( age 9) through my hell. I need to forgive myself but I can't. People say what I've done in the past shaped who I am now, but I don't like who I am now. I hate myself. Hate who I am, what I've done, who I've become. I don't recognise myself. I have no faith in myself. I am not worthy of this life.

[Morigan]

Realising what will truly make you happy is a inner quest I associate with.

There is a lot of introspection involved.

Here is where I am on my quest to inner peace:

I ask myself.

"With what exactly am I unhappy with?"
Shame and Guilt feelings. I feel like a burden to the people that I have caused harm to.
That they are only forgiving me out of pity.

"Can i change it?"
My actions that caused the feelings - my mistakes - I will not make them again.
The people that I have wronged: some chose to forgive me and some did not.

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.” - bob marley

concentrate on the people that still wants to be part in my life.

I am spending a lot of time on myself. Getting fit, my appearance. Trying out new hobbies. Being kind to less the less fortunate. cutting myself some slack on the days that I feel low.
baby steps - the meds will helps me cope

I wish you good luck with you journey mack2!

6 weeks ago I felt like you do today - in a rut

I feel a great deal better already

[A Red Panda]

Mack: You're right that you can't change your past. But you can change your future.

What sort of a man did you want to be? What, right now, would identify someone as being a good man? And I'm not talking about their pasts. You can't say "He's a good man because he never did anything like drugs". You can't say that about some random man on the street because you don't know him or his past.

You can, however, go "He's a good man because he's using some of his free time to coach soccer" or "He's a good man because he's volunteering at a soup kitchen" or "He's a good man because he's taking his kids out for ice cream"

You can do those things too, and can start working towards being a good man in more than one way.

Even if you don't feel worthy of your life... I would bet my butt that you think your daughter deserves a good dad. So identify what steps you can start taking to BE that good dad to her. Start now, because the earlier the better.

You might even hate yourself and doubt yourself while you're doing the good things... but a decade down the line you'll be able to look back and go "Hey, I might not have been happy, but I gave my daughter a really good ten years" and that will help you feel proud of yourself and you'll start to see the light again.

[Mack2]

Thanks A Red Panda, just for the record I make a good mum lol :-)

[A Red Panda]

LOL! Sorry Mack, my uncle's name is Mac and I guess I default to male!!

[Skittles56]

Regret is pointless and poisonous. Regret is different that owning your past mistakes. Taking ownership of your mistakes and resolving not to repeat them can be hard when you are bipolar. On the extreme side of either cycle things may be out of your control, but still, regretting them serves no purpose. The best you can do is to stay on your meds and keep seeing your therapist. That way you have a better chance of avoiding the extremes and having more to regret.