[dubblemonkey]

this is the first time I have let it occur to me...

I made it this far

I am going to die an old man

alone and old too...

nobody can be expected to cope with me

I am a fool to believe that now is just an accident

I love but I don't know how to make it functional...

my survival instincts are so marvellous..

I have been exposed to so much danger
I have designed my own danger...the deliberate kind

I have realised ...I have suddenly matured

and it's beyond illness now

I will grow a bit older and die alone

it is devastating

but I know it's meant to be

I forgive life for being so cruel to me

all it made me do was fight
I am done fighting...

and now I can sit in this beautiful seat of acceptance

now I know what the angels were insisting all along...

I will be an old man

[dubblemonkey]

for me it's an achievement

I am not the first!

how many millions have been me before I ever was?

I guess it's levity that occupies this seemingly empty space...

I feel like my business is complete...

I battled an invisible beast but a beast nonetheless...

a seriously vicious one

one that healed much quicker than I ever did despite the wounds I inflicted upon it!

and it was all inside my head

there was no beast outside of me

I was at war with myself...

the most dangerous combat...

so that's what I mean... death is no longer a threat
I am not facing off with the real thing every freaking day

something has changed...I am gentle
this way I can live longer and grow old and understand my extraordinary bipolar human experience gracefully...

instead of violently