[venusss]

So... I am finally movin' to Prague soon! Went to see my new (really new, just build) place... I am so ready for the metropolis! Done with countryside. It's nice in the summer, but in autumn is cold and somewhat depressing. It gave me the peace I needed, but now it feels rigid and turning me apathetic.

But I am somewhat worried. Prague triggers the best and worst in me. Makes me more sped up, sharp... manicky maybe. But there's downside, as Mater Urbium has darkside...

Maybe I wanna go to Prague not cause of job opportunities and cause NGOs are there (official version), but cause she is like me. Brilliant, wonderful, but tragic somehow. Has been hurt in the past. Is balancing and not too well between being stubborn byotch and trying to please those with power.

Can Prague handle one more crazy chick? Can a crazy chick handle Prague? I need the energy of crowds, I love to feel history under my feet... but it does trigger me indeed. Can I learn to shield from the bad? Can I handle her capitalist side without it making me somewhat cray-cray (like... I been to IKEA and it felt dystopic. Pretty much "I've seen the future, baby. It's a murder". Can I handle a grocery shopping or going to commercial parts of town without feeling I fell through time space crack into dystopia? Is it a mild psychosis or extreme hippiedom?).

Other thing... I been real depressed. Going up and getting over it... but it's been rough. My herbs help in that I don't wanna do away with myself. I have my Bach essences, but I think I need new mix. And eh, there's no essences for being triggered by capitalism and wanting to throw rocks. Hoping settling in will help. Maybe it's just being stuck. Maybe it's just that I still can't find a damn job... dear friend of mine said I am frustrating cause I am not using my potential. But I am not sure about that anymore. Maybe I will be happy to be a giant squirrel offering Thai massages. Not sure what I can do and if I wanna make the sacrifizes that doing "it" means.
I know I will be fine. But it still sucks. Cause I know I will get like this again, I will be hurting in the future. It's exhausting somehow.

I realized and admitted that I have some trauma issues. I wont go into it here, but it's quite scary and weird. I am not sure I can address this myself and how. Maybe I have to go through the phase where it hurts to heal and move on. Not sure.

Right now I am hoping Prague can save me... but it's naive. Nothing can save me.

But maybe I don't need to be saved.

Hope you are feeling better soon, Venus.
Question: Have you ever spent extended time in Prague? (Or maybe even another sizeable city?) I lived for years in.. let's call them "low population" places, and when I'd get time to go somewhere, it would be to the city. Very energizing for sure. (Haha, the first time I met up with my BF, it was here, and between already having been hypo for a few weeks, the city and new love, I was pretty much bouncing off the walls. )

Anyhow, having moved here a few years ago, I've found, that like any place, things do tend to become more "everyday" and routine after awhile. Which isn't to say boring, just to say that it gets tempered by the day in/day out of actually living somewhere. As a boss of mine said once, "I guess no matter where you live, you're still going to have to clean the toilet". What a way with words, eh? But the concept is true.

As for shopping... maybe there are more locally owned shops than first appear to the eye? Those oooh la la "big name" stores are eye-rollingly craptastic in my book too, get you on that. Farmer's markets? Thrift stores? I have no idea what's available there, but ... something to look into.

Speaking of which, I've got to go get going to meet/pick up BF at a thrift store. Then we are going to another (in our new neighborhood -- so excited to check it out!), then coming back to work on painting a table that was out on the street for free (yeah, cleaned the bejeezus out of it, but that's me ). So... yeah, we're in the city, but we're not exactly contributors to that overbearing mega-consumerism thing. Guess it depends on the local resources available, but it can be possible.

Venus, I hope this move does help you feel better. I can sympathize with you especially about living in the countryside in winter. I lived in Germany twice and have been to Prague once, it is a beautiful city. What I found in Europe was such a dichotomy of the new and the old. I found the old parts relaxing and I looked for those parts as a tourist. But I did live in newer parts. Better bathrooms for sure. My first winter I spent in Germany pregnant and depressed, I lived in the country and did not see the sun until April because of fog. I slept like a bear. I woke up when the sun came out.
For people who have never been to IKEA, it is like walmart at christmas x 3, full of people and stuff and
noise, very crazy.
But Venus I think if you go to the old parts of Prague, walk the bridge over the river, you will find peace when the metropolis gets too much. I hope so.

[venusss]

Thanks, both of you. Muchly.

Question: Have you ever spent extended time in Prague?

Yeah, I lived in Prague for a bit and in Brno (which is half a size of Prague but pretty cosmopolitan). So I know the routine of big city. I actually honestly hope the intensity will wear off and I shall not feel the history with such intensity. But I am afraid the place has strong energy. Maybe I need to learn how to shield. Maybe that is why all Prague people are somewhat grumpy and somewhat walled in themselves.

We do have farmer's markets in Prague, but it's bit costly (since it's stragely became vogue thing and it's where the fancy people shop). But I can combine.

My problem is... I feel I should have more humor about it. Or be able to be more cynical. And not feel "OMG, I am in dystopia, where's my Molotov at". Maybe I spend too much time in countryside. Maybe I am getting old and not getting the world anymore.

Emomom... I am gonna live in a brand new building. Just build. Funnily, with the bright colors of fasade and the style it looks kinda Eastern European (aka Live after communism: How Easties discovered that you can make blocks of flats in other colors then gray). So my place is gonna be cool and there shouldn't be heating problems

Yeah, I am gonna be in the Old Town (and New Town which is actually very old too) often. Maybe I can find a beauty elsewhere too.

I wonder why is it that my sensitivity to places is on all time high right now. I feel so opened up and exposed and feel everything and everything rubs on me. I wish I knew better how to turn it off. My usual shielding doesn't seem to do the trick. No idea what is the city trying to tell me each time I come there. Prague to me lately seems like a very overwhelming friend. Or maybe a lover even.

[venusss]

How does one know they are doing the right thing? When everything feels various degrees of wrong?

Perhaps the answer is simply the not knowing ...

Wishing you well on this new venture.

[venusss]

Perhaps I need to let go bit of my control thing. I may have much fun and chances that way, who knows.

I need to stop overthink it and enjoy the new. It's likely gonna be good. I am just worried a bit. For myself, for my soul... and all of that.

[Victoria'smom]

I think you are both anxious and excited. That's why you feel out of control, exposed and worried about your mood. That said BP triggers are also when big events happen, so make sure you have lots of support. I think given time you will feel less exposed and enjoy your new home. You've been excited about this for a long time. I really don't think you can know if you are doing the right thing but you have to trust yourself to take a leap of faith some times. Is there any way you can dedicate part of you new home to a small garden so that you don't have to use the farmers market as much?

[choocha]

I use pro's and con's lists to weigh up whether I'm making a good decision. Anxiety and being unsure or scared are completely normal emotions to be having in regard to moving. Moving is a very stressful upheaval, no matter what the circumstances. I think change is a good thing. Embrace it. Just avoid or block out the bad things you associate with the city, and expose yourself to all of it's great aspects. You will be fine. You have made the right decision, I can tell by the way you write about it. Turn your negative emotions into something more like nervous energy and work with it, use it to your advantage. Good luck and keep us posted with your progress and any developments.

[A Red Panda]

It sounds like it's just your nerves playing up Venus. Prague's a great city, I am sure you'll love living there once you've settled in!

I went to visit there for a week... and honestly I think every morning I got up earlier than my friends and left the hostel to go and stare at the Astronomical Clock. It's my favourite structure ever I think.

Try to focus on the things that you'll like about living in a city - food! shopping! various places to wander around! history! Whatever floats your boat.

Coming from someone who's made some huge moves on my own... it can be scary. And there's always the what if's.... But they'll wear off the longer your there, because you'll develop your own routines and different places will become familiar to you and you'll start to feel safe and comfortable in those areas. It's just a bit scary until those things start to happen.

[venusss]

I think you are both anxious and excited. That's why you feel out of control, exposed and worried about your mood. That said BP triggers are also when big events happen, so make sure you have lots of support.

I contacted some old friends who are in Prague. But I can't lean on them too much.

Is there any way you can dedicate part of you new home to a small garden so that you don't have to use the farmers market as much?

Heh, I will live in a relatively small condo. Unless I count planting herbs on balcony, no way to be self-reliant with food. Doesn't really matter, I'll manage.

It sounds like it's just your nerves playing up Venus. Prague's a great city, I am sure you'll love living there once you've settled in!

yeah. that is it, I am hella stressed. I just want the move and all to be over... I am impatient to the core.

[Trippin2.0]

I'm glad you finally decided to go Your lve afair with Prague has been a longtime coming. Its ok to be anxious, scared or apprehensive. The big decisions are always the heaviest to weigh, but I'm very sure that you would be more at peace moving and finding out its not for you, than never trying at all.

Impatience is a MoFo I know, but you can do this.