[wildflowerchild25]

I haven't been around here much, mostly because I've had a rough few weeks. I got in that car accident that totaled my car and I haven't been well since. I don't know why a car accident could upset my world so much but any stability I had is gone. I am so extremely stressed out by my job that today I had a bizarre episode.

This whole week has been just one day worse than the last. Every day I wake up and feel chained to my bed. I get up super late because I just can't face it. Even over the weekend I would wake up in a panic when my son woke up because I had to get up and face the day. But this week has just been awful. Every day has just been more stress on top of the other stress that never dissipates. I have so much paperwork that I never do because every day when I try I get a phone call that this student did this and where is my staff and I need this paperwork and this one is roaming the halls.

Today was the same. Now I have my principal telling me they are going to pull my certificate if I don't go back to school for my special Ed cert and that means I lose my job. Well I can't go back to school. I will lose my mind for sure. It's too much stress. A year ago I thought it would be fine, that I could do it no problem. And I probably could have. But now that everything has fallen down on top of me again and I cannot do it. But I can't tell them that without disclosing my MI and I guess I'm just fired all around now.

So today I had a Terrible day. I thought I honestly couldn't make it through. At the end of the day I was so overwhelmed that I just...shut down. It was so strange. I guess I can liken it to a panic attack almost. I literally sat in my chair and stared at my computer screen or my hands for about an hour. . I could not move. I could not do any work. It was like my mind was blank. Thinking of things I had to do caused panic. Not jut work. Even thinking about having to make dinner or pick up my son or pretend to be ok in front of someone caused panic and I just sat. When three thirty finally ticked by I was paralyzed. I couldn't leave my classroom. I couldn't think about anyone trying to talk to me. The only way I manged to get out of my classroom was to break it down into small steps. Ok now I'm going to get up. Now I will shut my blinds. Now I will walk in the hall but keep my head down so no one will talk to me. I will get to my car. Mission accomplished - new set of goals when I get to the car.

I did run into someone on my way out but thank god it was the teacher I told about my mental health issues last year - he suffered a breakdown about two months before mine and chose to tell me about it so I knew I could trust him when everything blew up in my own face. I shared with him a little about my struggles but nothing too much. Thank god it was him. I couldn't have pretended to be normal with anyone else.

I feel like my brain shorted out. I feel like I was able to recover a little on my car ride home because I was alone. And no one was home when I got home thankfully. I was able to switch on for my son because I feel so guilty about being stuck Ina depression again. I don't want him to grow up like I did.

I guess I need to talk to my pdoc on Monday. I'm supposed to be discharged for my IOP Tuesday so I hope she can see me.

Uuuuuugh I just feel so hopeless and listless. I hope I don't have another bizarre episode on Monday. I need to keep my job at least until may when new teaching jobs come out.

Anyone else joining me on the struggle bus? Beep beep!

[~Christina]

It sounds like you could be mixed maybe? The accident probably bumped you just enough for things to fall like dominoes.. If you haven't called your Pdoc you should as soon as possible.. Maybe you just need to increase your Risperdal until things settle down .. Does your klonipin help any ?

Do you have a time limit days, weeks or month ect to complete your certificate??

The way you got from classroom to car is Mindfulness at its best ! You did a very good thing even if it doesnt seem like it.

Ill join you on the bus if I can sit in the back

[Victoria'smom]

Is there a way you can slowly do the course? If I remember your Superintendent knows you had an issue over the summer? Did you disclose to him/her? can you go online?

[wildflowerchild25]

Christina, I don't think it is mixed because I have zero energy. I'm exhausted all the time. I think it is depression and my ever present anxiety is worsening. I haven't taken the klonopin for two months (my pdoc changed it to prn). I think I will fill th script today because maybe it will help with this low grade panic I'm feeling all the time.

MM, my superintendent suspects things but I never confirmed or denied. I really think there is no gray area. I have to be certified special Ed to keep my job. It is a state requirement. As for taking the class slow it is an online course. I must take seven of them to earn my cert. I can take one at a time but I only have four years now to finish. So I will have to take at least two a year. They are ten week modules which means they are pretty intense because it is not the normal fifteen week semester. I'm not sure I can pile on that much extra work right now when I can't Even keep up with what work wants me to do. I really just need to find a public school job until I'm well enough to go back to school. I just have to hope that I get one :/

[A Red Panda]

I'm so sorry that everything is getting so tough for you again Having to take courses on top of things... I can't even imagine.