[FaithlessCat]

Hi Folks, I'm new to the forums and unsure where to stick this as although I have been in the past diagnosed with GAD, Depression and am now on Lithium, I just kinda wanted to share what my story is and where I am at.

I live in Ireland and I scored high for Anxiety, Depression, Bi Polar, and BPD on my Sanity Score ...

I guess it all started when I was about 17, I got involved with a group of friends who were very religious, thinking I could talk in tongues and all sorts ( my mum says she handcuffed me to the bed for 3 days only letting me out to go to the toilet because she was that scared of what was happening to me, she bathed and fed me for 2 days ) I have no recollection of this at all. Which is scary, she says I came home from a party and she thinks I looked 'high' I have no memory of any of this.

I just put all this down to 'normal' teenage stuff.

some while later a silly prank at college sent me into a major depressive episode which resulted in me living like a hermit , ( I still lived with my parents and bought a budgie for company) this lasted 3 months and I failed to finish my college course

of course I went to the Dr he diagnosed depression and gave me AD's, which I didnt take as I also had grand mal seizures when I was 10 & 13 and my mum didnt want me taking anything that might trigger a recurrence of my epilepsy.

so anyways on and off over the years I had episodes of depression triggered by something and I took ad's, had therapy got better etc etc

there was an episode at a party where I totally lost it and started going on about my ex being the devil ... seriously scary stuff but I put it down to drink.

I moved out of home into a flat and discovered the joys of chat rooms, we had a local internet cafe and I spent nearly all my money hanging out there and chatting to people online, sometimes to the point where I would be short of my money to pay rent.

eventually I moved home again.

at 26 I started to engage in CSP ( chronic skin picking ) basically I use a pair of scissors to squeeze any spots or pores on my arms, getting a great sense of relief when any white stuff pops out.

I was in a really unsupported Job role and I just lost it one morning knowing I couldnt face going into work so I phoned the samartains who told me it was ok not to go to work and that I should go to my GP.
he again diagnosed depression and I was signed off work for 3 months until I eventually quit.

a year later I met my husband ( I moved in with him after only 4 weeks and we were pregnant after only 12 )

I sought help for pnd after having some pretty dark thoughts, again i had Ad's and therapy.

when Our son was 5, I started to smoke pot, totally our of character for me, worse still I was collecting my son from school stoned and I thought it was ok.
it was a ****** year, we found out we couldnt have any more kids, then after failed fertility treatment got pregnant on our own, then lost it at 12 weeks.
cue more AD's
Hubby lost his job and it all went to hell ..... then everything changed, he was offered a Job in Ireland ( I am Irish originally ) so we jumped at the chance to start a new life

I stopped smoking pot and ciggs and we got on with things, then 6 months down the line I finally lost it big time, I had a psychotic break, I thought I was dying, my head felt like it was in a vice and my heart was skipping beats all over the place.

The Dr diagnosed GAD and Depression and put me on Effexor 75mg and half inderal. for weeks I just sat staring at the tv drinking herbal tea afraid if I moved id drop dead.
it was the I discovered the Linden method self help CD and that helped me enormously I started to regain control but I also started to behave in the most inappropriate ways. Hubby was away a lot and I started to take explicit pictures of myself, which led to even worse stuff on cam with strangers, and even worse still I was telling my husband expecting him to me ok with it. I also wanted to have an affair I told him all about wanting to .... looking back now I cant believe he stayed with me

so that passed and we moved to a new neighbour hood where we finally feel at home and have great friends, but I went off into my own little world again for 18 months getting involved in online stuff and basically ignoring my housework etc until one day my son said he thought I loved being online more than him ...

yep thats another trip to the Dr for AD's

when our son was 8 he was diagnosed with Aspergers syndrome which in turn led to a diagnosis of same for my husband.

so ... this gave some clairty to stuff going on and things were hard but I finally understood the way hubby and son behaved and it wasnt my fault.

but still the anxiety came again over a year ago and I was on 37.5 mg effexor then 75mg and then 150mg which is where I am now.

except I realise now that the increase in effexor is doing nothing to cull the anxiety or feelings so i finally sat down and wrote a list of my symptoms,

anxiety
saying things I regret
inappropriate sexual behaviour
constant brain chatter
unable to relax even to have a bath
unable to finish tasks or projects
picking up on subtle changes in peoples moods and feeling its my job to make them feel better
unable to sit still for long without reverting to skin picking or pulling hair out of my face with tweezers ( i also do this by proxy to poor hubby, by squeezing spots on his back )
irrational irratability
sense of underachievment
very thin skinned
interrupt people when they are talking
I get bored halfway through tasks and switch back and forth.

and then there's the worst, my jukebox. That wonderful little jukebox that plays songs in my head 24/7 even when Im asleep and dreaming. I desribe it as I am sat in a pub talking to myself with a jukebox playing in the background ... and this is all going on while I am talking to someone or just sitting.The song changes and can be anything from a full song so a verse to a couple of rhymes, kids songs, oh and tv adverts that go on and on.

The only way I can fall asleep is by listening to nature sounds on my ipod and counting down from 100 backwards to shut the song up long enough to sleep.

I looked on line and it fast dawned on me that it is more than likely probably I have been mis diagnosed all this time.

Looking at my list I have NEVER actually been depressed in that I want to kill myself, dark way. I have very high anxiety yes, and I can now see what I believe to be manic episodes.

My mum used to say to me ( and still does ) .... ok, honey you have gone overdrawn on your words for today "

because some days I cant shut up, and I always used to joke that I was bi polar because I was feeling high and I knew everytime it would be followed within a few days by a low.

so I talked to my DR about the list and he perscribed lithium. So, I went home and looked it up and of course found out that SNRI's can actually make manic episodes worse if you are bi polar ( my Dr hasnt said I am but I think thats where we are headed ) so I feel positive I have a plan, I now fell 100% sure I am not just depressed, i need to get off the effexor and onto something that deals with anxiety more possibly lexapro or celexa and of course see where the Lithium takes me.

I have to add my Dr is useless, I live in the arse end of nowhere with little to no services. Thankfully we are coming into some money and I really feel at this stage I would like to pay for a full proper psych evaluation, something I have never had.

I decided to try taking the effexor every 2nd day 4 days ago .... BAD idea last night I had the most awful Brain zaps and brain bangs ( where your head seems to take a minute to catch up when you turn your head and you have electrical buzzing every 30 secs or so )

so I looked up ways to help with withdrawel and took 10mg valium and went to bed OMG it was the worse night ever, every time I came close to falling asleep Id have that horrible feeling someone was in the room and you cant move but your screaming inside and trying to move to wake your partner ?

not just once did this happen but over and over and over for almost 2 hours even my ipod wasnt helping so finally I woke hubby and he told me to lay on my other side so he could spoon and hold me which eventually stopped it all and I managed to sleep.

So, I took my effexor and will wait until I see dr next week and see if I can reduce it by 37.5 mg a day to start.

and here I am sharing my life story in the hopes that someone here will be able to understand and enpathise with what I am going through.

I do feel positive about moving forward now I know I have been misdiagnosed and I feel i need a full psych eval. but im very interested to know what others think reading my story. Im not looking for a diagnosis just any recognition of whats going on.

Thank you all so much as I realise its very very long and full of spelling mistakes

Today I am very Tired, coming down with a cold but I want to clean my house, so Im here chatting away in my head one part saying I am a lazy ***** and need to stop feeling sorry for myself, and the other part saying I am being too hard on myself it really sucks and I hate how this controls my life.

[Turtleboy]

welcome to pc cat

[gayleggg]

FaithlessCat. Glad to have you here. Sounds like you have had a lot of ups and downs. I, too, have been on so many drugs I've lost count. Only to have short periods of being normal. I hope you find what you need here at PC.

[FaithlessCat]

Thank you I just read up on BPD and I seem to tick a lot of those boxes .... My God but I'm a total Fruit Loop .

Still on good days I can see the funny side of it which I feel is really important, I guess my main concern is being misdiagnosed all these years and never having had a full evaluation.

Maybe I'm being too optimistic in thinking if I have a proper DX I can get onto the 'right' meds,

What is normal anyways ?? lol I have no idea. I just want the damned Jukebox and constant chatter to shut up .. or as I put it to my GP " I just want my head back "

[avlady]

Welcome faithless cat !!!!!!i read your story, just to let you know,i feel for you and hope you can get things settled with the meds and such, just hang in there!!!

[junkDNA]

welcome to pc.

getting off effexor is difficult. u have to take it very slowly.

i hope the new med helps u balance ur mood. and helps with ur anxiety.

see u around.

[FaithlessCat]

Originally Posted by junkDNA

welcome to pc.

getting off effexor is difficult. u have to take it very slowly.

i hope the new med helps u balance ur mood. and helps with ur anxiety.

see u around.

I know it was such a stupid thing to do but Im so worried that if it is indeed BP then the snri is doing more harm than good .... I#m so frustrated and impatient to get a full evaluation and some answers

I just wanted you to know I recognize myself in your story, it does get better. I actually took effexor for 7 yrs along with a mood stabilizer and other meds, it was a good med for me. Just hang in there until you can get a proper psych eval. I think that is where you should start. Big hugs

[ultramar]

Welcome to PC!

I'm seeing, in the most general sense, a great deal of anxiety, some depression/isolating, a lot of impulsivity. As you've mentioned yourself, I see some BPD traits here, but who knows, and traits don't mean full-blown disorder.

These things are so complicated, but it's good that you're starting to try to figure it out. I would definitely get a referral/make an appointment for a psychiatric evaluation. I'd caution to keep an open mind, though, about possible diagnoses, and just try to be as honest and open as possible with the pdoc -if you report things with a particular diagnosis in mind (whether it's BP, BPD, or something else) it could potentially color your interpretation of your moods/behavior.

In preparation for your appointment, it might be a good idea to track your moods (what you're feeling, for how long, what triggers your moods and thoughts); I'd expect a good pdoc to spend some time getting to know you, even if it means initially holding off on a definitive diagnosis until they know you better. Best of luck!

[FaithlessCat]

Hi Ultramar,

Thank you for your words of advice. I am so tired of GP's just throwing meds at me saying I am 'Just Depressed' that I fully intend to go to a Psych Eval with no diagnosis in mind as I myself am tired of being on the wrong meds for the wrong diagnosis. I like the idea of a diary and will def start that.

I'm a little frustrated right now as my GP wants to hold off for another month before sending my for psych evaluation, but meh ... at this stage I wont let it get me down as it's my life and i need to take back control.

[Dylanzmama]

I've been through similar struggles and I think you're absolutely right to pursue the correct dx. Get to a psychiatrist as fast as you can. It's CRUCIAL to get the right dx.
I had the music thing forever too. Not anymore since going on seroquel. Good luck!