[winterglen]

I have a habit of making stupid, time-wasting screwups. Like I often go somewhere, then realize I forgot to bring my notebook or something else important, so I have to turn around and go get it. Or, like I did just now, I realized I was walking around with my backpack open. Everyone who saw me must have thought I was a loser.

Though I'm not from an abusive family, I frequently have these thoughts that if I did come from an abusive family, I would have been beaten if I made those mistakes. I would have deserved those beatings, because a better person wouldn't be so stupid. I think it's a good thing that I don't have an abusive family, because there's no way I would have survived. Other kids would have become self-reliant, but I would just react like a stupid helpless attention-whoring baby and make my abusers even angrier.

Sometimes when I'm in a particular spell of self-hatred, I look in the mirror and see a girl who is asking to be punched in her stupid, dopey face. I can see why the other kids in my class were disgusted with me.

Fortunately for society, I only have those hate filled feelings against myself. I have never thought that any other person deserves to be abused, even people who grow up to become serial killers. I'm the only one who deserves it. If I wanted people to treat me better, I should act like a smart and capable person.

[Perna]

I would not want to feel so badly about myself as it sounds like you do about yourself, it would make me sad. I would celebrate the little mistakes I make; if I went somewhere and forgot something and had to go back, I would be glad I was getting more exercise (since I don't get enough sitting on this computer all day :-) or I would see if I could find something "like" what I need at my new location or do whatever it is a different way (work on my memory maybe by having forgotten my notebook or scope out someone I can ask to borrow their notes tomorrow from, make a new friend and maybe trade them for a day they will be out sick or not in the mood to take notes, etc.; wouldn't that be great to just be able to listen without having the anxiety of taking notes?) I don't see that having your backpack open is bad, wrong, stupid, makes you a loser? I think you are being harsh on yourself but no one else is and I don't see why. I think it is like driving down the road and how you don't really notice the people in the other cars and what they are doing (unless everyone is stopped at a light or something) or you see something but then move on, kind of like thinking only when we are thinking about ourselves, we can have a harder time because we can't "move on" like everyone and everything around us does. But I take comfort in knowing if I don't see what others are doing in detail or very long and don't know who those people are then they are probably having the same experience with me, not noticing, etc.

[Moose72]

It sounds like you're beating yourself up. Why?