[Eldor]

Greetings!

I am rather sure of that I have some sort of bipolar disorder (I guess type II is most fitting) but haven't received a legal diagnosis (or what to call it), and I'm wondering if it is "worth it"? What is your experience with receiving a diagnosis?
I don't think I am in need of any medication, do you think there's reason to get help if you're not interested in being medicated?

I'll give some personal backstory to the question;
I've been more or less low during most of my life, age 9 being marking the point where I have my earliest memories from it. My father has always been more or less depressed, and always took out it aggressively on his family (which most likely was the source of my low mood in my younger years). Age 10-12 is rather blurry, but I remember anxiety being an increasing problem for me and I had my first panic attack at age 13, as well as testing out self-harm. At age 15 I was severly depressed, life had no meaning and I spent most time just sleeping/lying in my bed in the dark. I lost a lot of weight and had several panic attacs every day and night, as well as resorted to self-harm for coping. This went on during october-april. I got better, and the summer that followed I was in a constant euphoric mood. I was invincible and had never experienced anything like it. I spent most of my days running around barefoot until the sunset, just doing lots and lots of stuff and being really eager for the future. It was amazing. School eventually begun again, things went back to normal. I was a bit down during the winter, but I can't remember it being extreme. Winter at age 17 I became severly depressed again, although this time I was in a relationship and not able to hide in the dark all day. I hid my emotional state at all cost, my partner was depressed as well, and I needed to "hold them up", and as we both started to feel better we broke up (this was in march). Things went better and I started to feel alive again (relieved from the burden of a relationship), spring was coming and everything was going great. And greater. And even greater. And eventually, not so great... I started projects, cut my hair every other week and dyed it... my thoughts were racing, I came up with all these grand ideas and my friends started to get annoyed at me, telling me I had changed. I got mad at them becuase they couldn't keep up with me, and eventually I couldn't either. It was as if my body moved in slow motion compared to my mind, and I was really scared. I moved away from home, stopped eating and sleeping. I exercised to the extreme as well, and eventually started experiencing depersonalisation and derealisation. By pure luck I didn't harm myself severly I won't do that again. I eventually hit a wall, experienced some of the worst anxiety attacks I ever had, moved back home and recovered. Met a new partner at age 18 and got rather low again during winter (started to self-harm again, but hid it as well). Got a bit better after winter I guess, but then worse again at 19. I graduated at spring and things started to go downhill at august. I moved away from home again, but this time it just got worse, and it didn't get better as I moved back home (a lot of ****** things that made things worse happened as well). I started self-harming more seriously and couldn't keep away the intrusive thoughts that made me do it, but this time my partner found out and made me go into therapy. January came, and I suddenly started to feel a lot better... then even better, and yeah, I recognized the pattern it didn't spin out of proportion as bad as last time, but I experienced a lot of racing thoughts... I did some bad impulsive things, excercised excessively, spent lots of money on crap, and was extremely irritable/agressive (I won't hurt a fly normally) and felt extreme guilt for acting in a way that was so unlike my normal self. Around the same time I came in touch with someone online who had just been diagnosed with cyclothymia, I could really relate to their story and talked to my therapist about it (very exitedly :P I was extremely hypomanic at that point) and they recommended me to talk to a psychologist to receive a possible diagnosis. Although when I called to get in touch with the psychologist, the lady at the desk snarkily replied "Well, if you aren't depressed right now, there's no reason for you to call us". I was really put off by this, but eventually got a time. I got to talk to the psychologist during 3 sessions, fill out some paperwork and etc, and in the end he told me "We're suspecting that you might very well be suffering from a bipolar disorder. Do you feel you need any help?" to which I of course said no, I was hypomanic and doing peeeerfectly fine. I figured that if I'd hit a wall I'd be able to go back, but at that time it wasn't necessairy.
Slipping out of my hypomanic state I of course experienced a small low, but I have now been experiencing the longest stable period I can remember (I'm 20 at this time, and I've been stable since ~june this year).

TL;DR - I've been experiencing episodes of lower moods every winter for as far as I remember, and these past 6 years I've had a deeper depressive episode with a following an episode of euphoric mood, impulsiveness, irritability & etc every other year.

I have now moved away from home, I am living by myself in a new city.
I don't think I won't be able to take care of myself if anything happens, and I don't think my mood is to change dramatically any time soon, but... in case something could happen, is it good to have received a diagnosis? Would that be of any help? Is it good to deal with it as soon as possible, or do I have to wait for another moodswing to set in to be "believable"? I know when I hit an extreme I have felt it being very helpful to have someone professional to talk to about it but I'm usually reluctant at seeking help because I'm "strong alone" and/or "not worth it".

[~Christina]

Welcome to PC,

It does appear after reading your post you certainly could use some help. Does it matter to have a diagnosis ? it helps for insurance purposes, some people want/need to know a diagnosis, others just want help to enrich there lives and address unhealthy behaivors and really dont care about a "label"

You certainly see a pattern with your moods. What you need to decide is whether you want to get help for all the problems when your overwhelmed with them or just get help and keep at it regardless of mood. Medications help some people , But honestly medications or not its about changing your lifestyle and learning coping skills. You can get Therapy whether you are on medications or not... whether you have a diagnosis or not.

I hope you find the help that will work for you.

Again, Welcome to PC

[IndieVisible]

well I was not too keen when I was first diagnosed with bipolar and rejected it for many years. I can no longer deny I have some sort of bipolar and am ready to be re-diagnosed. I would like to know what F is wrong with me and what I really am.

I felt a sense of closure when I received a diagnosis -- that what I was experiencing wasn't me being dramatic or a hypochondriac. That even though it was "all in my head", I had something to call it. Even though I knew what I was going through for a while, I kind of felt like it was pulling my strings until I could get a grip on it. Having a name for it kind of gave me that power back. I chose not to be medicated for quite some time; but that's what being diagnosed did for me personally.

[Lillyleaf]

For me, being diagnosed wasn't being labeled. I never thought in a million years I would be bipolar. I denied it over and over. Finally fully understanding that was "just like when Harry Potter was told that he was a wizard". There are all these other people who have weird stuff happen to them just like him

It also helps me medication, insurance, and if you wanted to join like a support group or something.

It's not about being labeled or the stigma... it's more about being able to put a word to it. Helping others understand a little bit better

best,
Lillyleaf

P.S. Welcome to PC

[monochromatic]

Agreed, getting the "yes, this is whats up with you" really helped me begin on the road to acceptance.

It also made me feel more normal, because I found message boards and articles that seem like I could have written them. It was worth it for me.

[Victoria'smom]

I'm on medication because I went back for help after a real 'good' euphoria and I knew that I'd crash hard. My husband was already seeing help and I decide I needed therapy so that I didn't end up hospitalized by my husband's therapy. That way I could advocate not being hospitalized and put on meds. Well I went to intake and after 4 hrs and some craziness I had an appointment with a psychologist and psychiatrist.

I told the psychiatrist I didn't want medicine and he gave me medicine options then we talked about random science and tech stuff. By the end he convinced me without meds I'd crash soon. He answered my question about what medicine he would take if he had to, without hesitation. So I left confident in trying the meds and that he would have stuck by my decision. If I decided no meds again he'd stick with me but would never give me lamictal.

My psychologist hates dx's and absolutely shys away from discussion having to do with diagnosis. She has advocated for me several times when I couldn't myself, we've talk often about my issues with medication, and the medical system. She helped me with daily life and bipolar stuff. Depending on where you live psychologists can diagnose but can't prescribe medication.

The dx can effect your jobs, driving record, and other things. I think it's at least worth a try.

[Trippin2.0]

A dx is an advantage because being able to identify an issue leads to learning how to manage it.

Think of it this way, thus far you've been soldiering on in the dark, wouldn't it be advantagous to learn the name of your enemy and which ammo works best to defeat it?

So for me atleast (and I'm no longer medicated) a dx was like someone switched on the lights for me.

[Eldor]

Thank you all for taking the time to reply!

I guess I "already know what's wrong with me" to some extent... so from that point I don't "need" a diagnosis (but then again, part of my inner lone wolf might be having a paw in that opinion). I have a rather good self-awareness and a personal interest in psychology/psychiatry, so I do a lot of reading in those subjects as well. I know I can take care of myself, and part of me not seeking help is because I think "there are so many others worse off than me, I don't want to take up their time".

Bringing up insurance is a good point - I haven't dared signing up for any health insurance yet since I didn't know which boxes to fill in I have no diagnosis but leaving out information about my mental health would make the insurance invalid.

I don't think I'd talk much to others about my diagnosis if I were to receive any. My parents have always responded with distrust and anger whenever my mental health made me not "behave properly", and I've been able to hide my mood swings so well that most of my friends would be surprised if I'd say that I've been depressed (gosh, they're so oblivious) but probably agree with the fact that I've been "extra annoying" at some points but no more than that. It would do more harm than good if I allowed them to put a label on me, they'd just think I was seeking attention and sympathy for something made-up. I have zero trust for people responding understanding.

Thanks again for your stories and imputs anyway *bows* it's comforting hearing others experiences with the subject.

[gayleggg]

I always thought it was good to know what was going on with me. However, I was turned down of individual insurance coverage because of my bipolar diagnosis, which angers me to know end. I'm stuck because of my diagnosis.

[Jcon614]

Originally Posted by IndieVisible

well I was not too keen when I was first diagnosed with bipolar and rejected it for many years. I can no longer deny I have some sort of bipolar and am ready to be re-diagnosed. I would like to know what F is wrong with me and what I really am.

I resonate with what u are saying. Something is very wrong, but I don't know what. I am 59 years old and have never been diagnosed with bipolar before even though I have been on Prozac. Now my pdoc thinks I may be bipolar! I was on Prozac since 1987 and no treatment-emergent hypomania. Had a bad reaction when Prozac was increased to 60 mg. my entire body was shaking, horrible insomnia thOugh I was soooooo tired. Could not hold a cup of coffee without spilling it due to the shaking.

[BipolaRNurse]

Originally Posted by Jcon614

I resonate with what u are saying. Something is very wrong, but I don't know what. I am 59 years old and have never been diagnosed with bipolar before even though I have been on Prozac. Now my pdoc thinks I may be bipolar! I was on Prozac since 1987 and no treatment-emergent hypomania. Had a bad reaction when Prozac was increased to 60 mg. my entire body was shaking, horrible insomnia thOugh I was soooooo tired. Could not hold a cup of coffee without spilling it due to the shaking.

I wasn't diagnosed bipolar till I was 53, so it's definitely possible that you have the illness and just haven't been properly diagnosed yet. Being on Prozac without a mood stabilizer isn't usually a good idea for people with this illness......I can't even imagine what 60 mg of an antidepressant would do to me! But then, I was on unopposed antidepressants for years, and they'd always stop working after a few months.....looking back, I can also see times when I was hypomanic or manic on those drugs (usually when I had a dosage increase).

I'll admit, it was very hard on me to be handed this diagnosis that late in life, but at least I finally had a name for the shadow that had dogged my heel throughout most of my life. There are worse things. Wishing you the best of luck.