[Hydrophobic1212]

My high I've been on is completely broken. Right when I finally started feeling better, and working on trying to get my life on track for real this time, to start on my adult life... My dad has to go and make it all come crumbling down.

I am very, very sorry, but this is going to be a really long post. Dx Kudos and thanks to whoever reads the whole thing.

I was sick Wednesday, and I still am, but I had a somewhat high fever and severe pain in my right side, not lower abdomen, but my upper right. Usually severe pain that lasts a few days with a fever is something you get checked out with a doctor, but they wouldn't take me, even though I said I've had pancreatitis and it could be a relapse, or something else.

Anyways, those of you who know me posting on here, it is an ongoing battle with them to go, and I can't take myself, unfortunately, since I live at home and don't have the money to pay for it myself (not that I was safe to drive myself anyways).

But, I did do something I shouldn't have, and I got upset with my mother. Over text, I told her something along the lines of "Okay, well, I guess we'll just let my organ explode". It's immature, yes, but they never listen to me any other time I try explaining things, so I had to try a new approach, I was desperate. So we started talking about it, and she told me nothing was wrong, and I was trying very hard to get her to understand that she wasn't a doctor, she didn't know, and told her that last time we went, we could have been too late with my pancreatitis, and I told her I know she would blame herself if something ever happened. She kept telling me that we couldn't go, and I told her I think it started Monday (I called into work sick) but she told me it didn't start then, and that i wasn't sick that day.

Well, I finally had it and because I do have an anger, I got fed up, I'm done fighting for it. I told her that i was done and I just wasn't going to bother anymore.

So, I am about to leave the downstairs after I'd been down there chilling out and cooling down, when my dad calls me in. This is what has me so down, and has honestly scarred me now, like "talks" with him always do.

Well, I don't remember exactly how it started, he said something about how I always disrespect them and walk all over them (which is untrue. I do my best to help them out, make dinner at times, do what I PERSONALLY can do to help out, and I constantly say thank you for EVERYTHING and if I do something wrong or think I did something wrong, I apologize profusely, never ask them for money unless it's the occasional dollar to get a drink at work or to help me pay for a grocery item I need). He told me we can't go running off to the doctor everytime something is seriously wrong. I understand we don't have the money for it, but I only come to them if I think something IS seriously wrong. He then, again, as always, told me that everytime we go to the doctor, nothing is wrong, so I told him to tell me instances of this, and he brought up things from when I was a child and a teenager, not the adult I am today. I told him he can't use that, and I understand that it's like the boy who cried wolf, but he had to understand that I'm mature now, I'm an adult. I know how this works.

Well, then he went onto his usual other rant, about how I'm going to get fired from my job, and that they don't need to give me warnings for how often I call in. I honestly don't call in that much, and try my best not to. I have only called in due to being sick (I had Pancreatitis and had to miss a lot because of it), and he went so far as to tell me I wasn't sick, and that I was just pretending, or just didn't want to go, which I found highly insulting. I understand my first job didin't work out, I was a teenager who didn't understand how to handle being in the work force and that you needed to actually be there, to be reliable. He told me that I could go into work that night, and they could have me work, then tell me afterwards they didn't need me anymore. At my job, you can call in about 12 times a year, so roughly, that's once a month they allow you to have. I have called in once a month as an equivalent to how long I've been there, due to my condition with my pancreas and also having gotten sick from something else. Not once have I called in because I didn't want to go.

He then told me that I am not a pleasant person, and basically implied that I'm not a good person either, that I'm selfish and only want things for myself. He told me that '80 percent of the time' he doesn't want to be around me because of how I act, and that I CAN be a sweet person, but most of the time I'm not and that I don't ever do anything around the house and don't even try. I tried to explain to him my reasoning (Because quite a few times he said, and I quote "tell me, I want to understand your reasoning and why you think this is okay" and I told him I didn't want to, because he constantly tells me I'm wrong). So, I finally did, and, low and behold, he goes "No, you don't try. You're wrong." When I DO try. He doesn't understand that anxiety is very hard to deal with, and I do everything in my power to help out any way I possibly can. I may not remember to do chores, but I do try, and I do sometimes. I do well with keeping our bathroom clean now, I make dinner, I do other things as well, but just because I don't do the chores, I don't do anything to help the house hold (which, by the way, I should add that he told me that EVERY SINGLE chore on that list we have in our kitchen, was now my responsibility because my mom works, and my sisters do school work. He does absolutely NOTHING in this house. He sits on his computer playing World of Warcraft and constantly tells us he can't do anything because he's 'in a dungeon').

He also told me I need to act like an adult to be treated like one (I actually try to talk maturely about things, he goes straight to yelling, which he actually did on Christmas. I was texting my friend that I was going to open presesnts now and i'd talk to her later, and just as I was setting my phone down, he goes 'put your phone away" so I was about to say I was going to and he goes "This isn't worship your phone time, this is family time" but he yelled it, and I'd already been upset that day from other things that he'd done, so I cried in front of my grandparents and had to go to my room to relax for a bit).

Told me I think money grows on trees, that my psychatrist thinks I should be in a group home and 'doesn't know why they put up with all that I do'. I don't do anything that would need me being in a group home, and I do not want to see this psychiatrist anymore either, for saying that, but then again, he is only believing the lies that my dad is feeding him. He also told me I don't actively look for a full time job, which I do. He doesnt' understand that a lot of it is online now, and he keeps trying to tell me that I'm wrong.

So, ALL of that came out in one conversation, which was mostly him talking to me and me bawling my eyes out. It ended with him telling me I don't like hearing the negative, and I tried to explain my reasoning on that (I don't even remember what we were talking about at that point) so he told me to go and not to ask them for help with anything anymore, and not to expect help.

Apologized to my mom for my rude behavior, as I always do. I was just sick and irritable, and frustrated, I know I shouldn't have acted like that, but I told her what was going on, and I think she finally listened when I finally told her that he makes me hate myself. Which brings me on to how this makes me feel...

I thought I'd be able to just brush it off like normal, but I can't. I'd already been feeling a little down recently, as I get around the holidays, watching all my friends have babies, getting married or getting boyfriends, and doing things with their lives, while I've not accomplished anything yet.

So now, I've been mentally berating myself everytime I do something, making myself think that I'm a bad person, and that even though I've dedicated my life to helping others, and go out of my way to help others, that everything I do is wrong, and everything I do is going to cause problems for other people, and that I can't even talk to my parents about anything anymore.

Not only that, but he has me EXTREMELY paranoid about work. Just the other day, two of my managers came over to me, when I was alone, and I stopped breathing. Literally, I stopped breathing. All I could think about was what he said, even though I know I do a good job, but I honestly thought I was about to get in trouble or something. As it turns out, it was just to check in with me and see what I was doing, and ask if I could help with something, and when they left, I went into the fitting room and almost collapsed. I had to close my eyes and calm my breathing, and spent the entire day thinking I was going to get in trouble. Now the past few days, because I got someone to cover my shift Sunday (I've just been feeling awful, and after that experience, I just needed to relax and not worry about anything for a day), I've been worrying that I'm going to get in trouble again.

So, as you can see, I'm struggling. I'm thinking about calling my therapist and setting up an appointment, but at the same time, I don't want to because my dad complained that I never follow doctor's orders and that it's a waste of money to take me when I don't listen (which isn't true. He just wants to believe what he wants to believe). I honestly am very scarred and very emotionally fragile thanks to him, and have been all my life, but I honestly think I've been broken now. I'm nowhere near being suicidal or extremely depressed, I'm just... Numb now, and not sure what to think anymore, kind of just going through the motions.

Anyways, thank you if you read this, I apologize for it being so long, I just had to get it all off my chest.

[Victoria'smom]

I'll write back when I wake.

[tigersassy]

Can I just say omg. I totally relate to this. The only way I was able to escape and even start feeling better was to get away from my family to the point I only talk to them when I have to. Maybe going into the group home would be good for you in that aspect and would help show your therapist you aren't as horrible as they're being told. I just wanted to let you know I understand. Good luck.

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[Hydrophobic1212]

Thank you very much, but I wouldn't let myself go into a group home. I just... I would very much hate it, in all honesty, and I don't think it'd be worth it to go just to prove a point.
But I'm glad someone else can relate. I used to try and think that maybe it was their perception of me, but even my sisters and my mom doesn't exactly see it... So I know now that it's not true. ): I'm working on trying to move out now, but it's hard. I need a new job that will give me enough hours and money to do so.

[~Christina]

Honestly the only solution I can see is your moving out and just taking on life as an adult. It's a shame your parents are not as understanding as you need or would like but it is what it is.

My advice is focus on you and figure any way possible to move out. You can handle it.. The decrease in parental stress will make you feel a whole lot better in general.

Good luck

[BNLsMOM]

I would suggest trying to find a room mate who can help with the expenses of living on your own. A little separation between you and your parents would be a very good thing for you. Next time you need medical attention, could you take the bus to a hospital ER or if things are really bad, could you call an ambulance?

[Hydrophobic1212]

Thanks, I'm trying on finding a roommate, I just can't afford to move out just yet. I'm working on it, though.

And no, I can't take myself. I do not have the money to go, and if it turns out nothing is wrong, I'll get in A LOT of trouble.

Thank you for the advice, though. I'm going to try and move out as soon as possible.

[Victoria'smom]

Have you tried applying for medicaid so you can get medical help without relying on your parents except to drive you?

I've had the "not trying hard enough" talk to many times with my son. I know he tries I really do. It's almost like I secretly want something to snap into place with one of those conversations and him be like yeah I guess I wasn't and his life automatically get better 10 fold. I know that's not going to happen but a girl can wish. The way your father did this was very verbally abusive and I hope my son doesn't see it like that.

At this point I'd try the group home just to get out of your current situation. It'll probably give you more freedom and give you more support in taking care of your health and getting on your feet. At least that's what they're supposed to do. They can't ignore your health issues either. I honestly think it may be a better living situation. That way you can save and maybe find a room mate there. At least give them a tour to get an idea of what you are saying no to. I know you didn't want to hear that but it's for your peace of mind not theirs. Here group home staff are very much people that hang out with you, bring you to where you need to go and keep tabs on you if your moods are messing up. The staff are not like parents at all. My sister-in-law loves working in a group home.

Can you put yourself down as the first person to call if someone needs a person to cover a shift?

[Hydrophobic1212]

No, I know what group homes are, it's not something I want, especially when it's not something I need right now. I'd honestly rather stay here than try that, because of how they are around here. ):

But I appreciate the help! I'm working on it, as best as I can.