[Stone83]

The other day I totally lost it. I didn't know I was going to but I knew I was having a bad day. I worked all night and came home happy and joking and not needing to sleep nor was I able. About 2 in the afternoon I was having a discussion with my wife when out of no where I started flipping out. We were not auguring or fighting just talking. I don't remember a lot but, I remember telling her she was not my wife. I believed she was someone else or at the very least she was brain washed. That's about all I remember and her saying you are scarring me. It was not until the next morning I realized I was wrong. I stopped flipping out relatively quickly but just felt angry and like I should stop. It was ver very hard to.
She told me later that I was jumping at her and she was scarred I might hit her. That makes me feel discusting. I would never ever even think of doing that. Yet that's what she thought. I feel bad. She keeps telling me she knows that not me. I tend to agree. Still it is hard for me to forgive myself. It scares me that I would do something like this. I had no control. What if it happens again? I have been fighting every day to stay on top of this monster, but he still got out.
How can I stop this from happening? Has this happened to someone else? What helped you? Are there signs to se it coming? My wife seems have forgiven me but how?
Waiting for doc appt. with new ins. Might be a couple of weeks before something comes up. So advice is welcome. Thanks for reading.

[Binti1962]

Sorry that happened. It used to happen to me before I was diagnosed bp2 and put on Abilify 10 mg. now it only happened when my pdoc tried to lower it to 7.5 mg.

I never had any signs that it was coming, I just flipped out tremendously.

Try not to beat yourself up about it, and I hope you find some relief.

[Felgore]

Hey, Stone. I want to just say, this place.. I haven't been here long, but it helps me a LOT. Even if I don't post or even if people don't reply, being able to read about people like me.. It's therapeutic. Don't jump the gun and judge places like this without really giving them a chance.

That being said.. Your episode sounded a lot like how my husband is. He is NOT bipolar, mind you. He does have some rage issues. He does not communicate his feelings well (or think about unpleasant things much), so it isn't surprising it all gets bottled up in him. Then, even over something as ridiculous as me suggesting he use a spoon instead of a fork while cooking, he'll blow off the handle. (Which sounds a little like your second post, saying this place is a joke.)

He gets really bad and there's nothing I can do. Sometimes I fear he'll hit me. He can't control himself and he often doesn't remember anything he says or does. He's punched holes in walls, tried to self harm, thrown himself about on the floor, and said many things while like that.

You asked how your wife can stay with you. As a wife, I can say it isn't exactly simple. You love a person. You don't want to give up on them. You want to help them. You worry about what he'd do to himself if you ever did leave. And, in my case (because of my own problems), I don't know how I'd live without him--literally. He is the bread-earner right now. I depend on him a lot.

I don't think you're asking the right question, though. It shouldn't be "How can she stay with me" that you ask yourself. You should ask yourself "What can I do to try to get help" so that this doesn't happen.

My husband's outbursts are fewer and further between now. He's done research, seen a doctor, and makes an effort every day. I think he'd improve further if he could learn to think about those unpleasant things and open up--tell me how he's feeling or when something bothers him. I think it takes time and effort, but nothing worth doing comes easily.

Good luck, and I wish you and your wife good health.

[usehername]

I just posted something similar, so I can't offer advice, but you are definitely not alone.

[IndieVisible]

I know how you feel, and it's actually good we can feel bad about this so we can try not to let it happen again. I have gone off at my wife, and my children who I love more then life itself. It's even worse when you go off on a child. You can never apologize enough, all we can do is try to make sure it doesn't happen again. Meds help yes, but we also need coping skills too! I understand you did not see it coming, and during those periods you can even feel like it's not you and your watching a movie. It's hard accepting we can have a really dark ugly side. You deserve some credit for manning up to this. I wish you the best of luck, and no your are most certainly not alone on this!