I don't know what I have

I joined this site yesterday, and posted in the depression forum "At the breaking point". I started to get excited because I felt like I had people to share my emotions with and I could start trying to recover. Today however it's been a roller coaster.

It was a normal day I watched tv, read a book, did some homework and then I decided to text this depression support number. When I did I was talking to this person and he was asking me why I felt the way I did (why I felt depressed and had suicidal thoughts) and something in my head just switched and I felt like I had this moment of clarity.

I thought to myself "Why am I depressed?" and in my head I couldn't really come up with a valid reason. I blew off the person that I was texting because I thought I'm fine. I thought there are people who I've seen online who have these legitimate mental disorders and me, well I was just being moody. I thought everything was great and I could move on because I "fixed" myself, but it only took an hour for things to go downhill.

I started thinking about how everything in my life was great and all I needed were some new friends and a boyfriend to talk to whenever I felt sad and everything would be okay. But then I started freaking out because I thought well what if that never happens and what if I'm always lonely for the rest of my life. I do believe in God and I didn't want to feel sorry for myself, but I got really mad at God. Then I got extremely sad again and I felt like I couldn't breathe and I started crying uncontrollably.

I've never felt claustrophobic, but in that moment I had to run out the shower and I ran to my room and just sat on my floor and tried to regain my breath, but I couldn't. I thought about taking a bunch of advils, but then I went into my moms room and found this insulin pen and for some reason I injected myself with it. I kept breathing and breathing until I found myself able to breathe again.

For a while I just sat there I just sat there with the needle and pricked myself watching the drops off blood. After that I got myself together, but I started having suicidal thoughts again when only an hour ago I thought I was completely past it.

Sitting here typing on my laptop, I know that I don't want to kill myself but I also know that I keep looking hope. The second semester of school is coming up and part of me thinks that a new person is going to come to my school and I'll really connect with that person and be able to open up to him or her. I want that to happen so badly, but there's also a part of me that doesn't expect it to happen, because I've had hope like this in the past and I also just ended up crushed.

I haven't been to a psychologist or had someone diagnose me with bipolar disorder or depression or anxiety, and I don't know whether I really have. I don't know if it's something I need medical help for or if it's just something my mind to lying to me about.

I just know that I need help, but I don't know where to go or who I can trust.

I think a doctor would be a great place to start. They know what help is around and can refer you to a pdoc/ mental health team or whatever is available where you live. Otherwise you could try a counsellor. Maybe at your school.

Keep on posting what you are feeling cos it's good to get it out and these boards are very supportive.

Wishing you all the best for the new semester, and your journey.

I assume you are in college. You can go to your student health center and request a mental health evaluation and a therapist. If your are in high school it's best that you go to the parent you trust the most.