[OutlawedSpirit]

So I feel relatively stable, for the most part. Maybe it's an illusion. Mood wise, I feel fine, good even. Not overly good, but good, if that makes sense.

However it's not my mood that seems to be the problem now. I keep having thoughts of self harm, and even suicidal ideation. Not because things are bad, but because they are good. I'm so afraid that things are going to be wrong, and I'd rather not face the fall. I don't feel like I'm going to act on the thoughts but it bothers me that I'm having them. Like I said, other than the thoughts, I feel stable. I'd consider going IP but we can't afford for me to be off work now.

I'm afraid to tell my wife how I'm feeling, because I don't know how she would react. I don't know what to do. If anyone has any advice, I would greatly appreciate it.

[EternalWinter]

Honestly I don't know why your having the thoughts, but it could simply be because your used to having them from maybe a troubled past, that even when things got better they sort of linger around.

I don't want to dismiss anything and you should really tell a doc because your thoughts cross the harmless line when it comes to hurting your self or others.

[token451]

I have no history of self injury or suicide attempts but I picture it all the time, doesn't matter on my mood. It's bad but sometimes I use it to calm down, probably not healthy at all but it works. I'm sorry you are having those thoughts. I have one designated person to talk to about issues so I don't freak out my family. I find it helpful.

[medicalfox]

Sounds like delusional thinking which those of us with schizoaffective often have. I would talk to your pdoc about this and see what they have to say. Generally when my delusions/paranoia get severe I take a prn dose of my risperdal which helps me break out of my cycle which my pdoc has prescribed. Hopefully you see your pdoc soon and in the meantime try to reduce stress, sleep well, etc.

Do you feel these are intrusive thoughts? Thoughts of things you do not want to do but feel the urge to do? I could be off base here but I have severe intrusive thoughts - many times about suicide and self harm, when I am stable. I dont want to act on them but I feel like I want to act on them if that makes sense, even when everything is going well.

[Confusedinomicon]

I experienced this when I first hit some form of stability. It mainly occurred because I wasn't sure how to cope with stability and wanted to cling onto the rollarcoaster ride. It also helped when I stopped fearing my mood state and took each day as it came.

[Victoria'smom]

I get those all the time when well. It just kills me waiting for another episode. Therapy has helped a lot. Learning to calm down, prepare and then to enjoy it. Last time I went down (not this most recent time), a crying, angry, explosive hissyfit in my therapists office about how unfair this is. It's easier for them to catch earlier when they finally find your base-line.

[OutlawedSpirit]

Well, thanks everyone for your replies. I'm gonna bring it up when I see my T next week. It's comforting to know that I'm not alone in this. Love you guys.