[krazykickboxer]

Before I went to seek professional help for possibly having bipolar disorder, I just realized that I think I had a 'mixed episode' due to my GP thinking I had anxiety/major depression and prescribing me Celexa.

I had gone through so many major depressive episodes before and now thinking about it hypomanic as well.
What really got me going to my pdoc was the last few months of my senior year of college. I think a whole bunch of triggers got me into this mixed state.

I solely relied on alcohol and drugs to numb out emotional pain from my past because I kept having racing crazy thoughts and was cutting while sobbing uncontrollably on the bathroom floor. I was also bulimic at the time and tried to throw up anything I drank and ate. My mind was going 1000 mph with my racing thoughts but they were suicidal/depressive. I never want to go through that again. It was the worst experience I had ever had and I feel so embarrassed to share with anyone. But hopefully I came to the right place so I can get some help with questions I have about this disorder!

At this point in my life I am going through denial that I am bipolar only because I mentioned it as a possibly to my pdoc and she agreed with me. Sometimes I think I have borderline. So what does a mixed episode look/feel like to you guys??

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[wildflowerchild25]

Besides the one I was in last January/February, my other mixed states have been triggered by antidepressants. Twice by celexa and once by Prozac. I agree with you, worst times of my life. I was hospitalized each time. It was all the energy of mania with the thoughts of depression. I was literally crawling out of my skin. I felt like I could not relax unless I was taking massive amounts of klonopin or Benadryl. I took Benadryl once the klonopin ran out and the doc refused to prescribe more. It was hell. The tiniest thing would cause me to scream in a rage, throw things, hit my husband. I also self injured.

In a depression I usually desperately WANT to die but I am too tired to actually carry through. I also have some semblance of sense left when depressed - I know that dying would hurt everyone around me irreparably, so I carry on and try to pull myself out. But in a mixed state, all impulse control is gone. I have so much energy that I have no ability to think before I cut myself. I literally became afraid for my life each time. I was driving my car once and it became so real to me, how easy it would be to just speed up and ram my car into an overpass. That's when I begged for help from my pdoc. The last time it progressed to the point of believing that another entity was implanting thoughts in my brain, telling me to kill myself. I felt I was unable to stop myself from overdosing on my medication. I asked my mom to take me to the ER after my pdoc refused to see me.

Worst thing ever...it's what keeps me on my meds and keeps me from messing around with ADs. I love hypomania and even mania, but there's always the chance it could turn mixed, and I may not be so lucky next time. I can't leave my family behind.

Welcome, I hope we are able to help.