[Lobster Hands]

I feel bad...for the past year everY time I've had suicidal thoughts they get worse and last longer the next time.

Last time I was having those thoughts I did some real bad stuff...and i never wanted to tell anybody about it, not even my therapist. I was so embarrassed.

Now I'm having those thoughts again, a lot, and they are really really... tempting...for lack of a better word.

I just want it so much sometimes. And I feel somewhat compelled to do it now. Like I owe it to myself or something.

I want it but at the same time I'm scared that I'll do it.

I don't have any friends that really know about me and I don't have any that should know about me. They all just seem shallow. So I just can't ask them to watch out for me or they'll leave me. yeah, I know, bad friends.

I'm so afraid to even attempt going to get help because of the embarrassment it would cause me. I'm just lost.


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[~Christina]

Typical when you ask "that" question is when you really need to go IP. Why is going IP an embarrassment to you ?

[wildflowerchild25]

I was hospitalized several (by several I mean 13) times between 14 and 19. Then I recovered from my trauma and stayed out of the hospital for six years. THEN bipolar came back to kick my *** again and I ended up horribly mixed and freaking out, fearing I was unable to stop myself from crashing my car into a pillar on the highway. I was terrified to go to the hospital because it would be SO HUMILIATING. How could I admit to everyone that I was still crazy? It was horrible.

In the end, my doctor forced me to go. I cried hysterically when telling my mom because I thought she would be so disappointed...but she was super supportive. Even my mother in law who is horrid was supportive, at least to my face

Bottom line....embarrassment will not kill you, but this condition could. Embarrassment isn't worth your life. If you really think you need the help then please just screw anyone else and get it. It's your life and you have to live it.

Be safe :-)

[Lobster Hands]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

Typical when you ask "that" question is when you really need to go IP. Why is going IP an embarrassment to you ?

Because then everybody would know about me. My parents don't know how bad I am because I don't talk to them. My siblings don't even know I have problems because they are in different states. And my Co workers...I would cause so much friction at the workplace if I was gone and they would find out why I was gone because I'm too honest.

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[~Christina]

Your illness is no ones business but your own..Its better to get help so your still around to have a life than be concerned about who is going to care or not care.

If you feel not safe then get help now.

The hospital is a safe place for you to get restabilized. You need to think only of yourself right now,, sometimes we have to be selfish in caring for ourselves first. This illness is very serious and needs to be treated as such. Please take care of yourself and stay safe.

[Lobster Hands]

God, I care about who cares if I'm around but I don't even care if I'm around...that's as backwards as anybody should ever be.

Why can't I even decide if I care about myself!! **** **** **** me !

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(((big)))

[Hbomb0903]

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

Bottom line....embarrassment will not kill you, but this condition could. Embarrassment isn't worth your life. If you really think you need the help then please just screw anyone else and get it. It's your life and you have to live it.

This is the heart of it. The hospital is a rest and its safe. You can gather yourself and get some breathing room between you and your pain, and you can start to make a plan. The future, you know?? You have one.

[hamster-bamster]

I was inpatient for several days in September, after several days without sleep, hypomania, anxiety, and unrelenting migraines.

At work, I said that I was hospitalized due to thyroid issues.

I do actually have hypothyroidism (due to Lithium) and I did take time off for that in 2011, so it was sort of a not-quite-lie, and when you are telling something that is closer to the truth than saying that you were abducted by aliens but then returned to the Earth... for me it is easier. For me it is easier to stay closer to what actually happened to you. But you can cite any other reason - your illness, as Christina said, is nobody's business. I am just saying that for me it was "fluid" to stay closer to the truth.

[Curiosity77]

I think embarrassment about going to hospital comes from stigma, that's how it is for me anyway. It's unfair that on top of the symptoms of this disorder, we also have to deal with shame for even being sick. Bipolar is not your fault. Don't let stigma keep you away from help if you need it.

[BipolaRNurse]

There have been a few times when I asked myself if I should go to the hospital, and I didn't. I should have. But I didn't because I was afraid of the stigma, plus I would have been reported to my state's Board of Nursing if I'd gone inpatient.

Bless his heart, my pdoc has always fought to keep me OUT of the hospital because he knows how fearful I am of it, but he doesn't know just how insane I can get because I never tell him about my suicidal ideation until I'm over it. And I've never told him about things like sitting up in bed till dawn staring at a piece of paper with the suicide hotline's number on it and being too scared to call. I know it's stupid, but it's what I do.

So don't be like me---like a previous poster said, if you're even asking yourself that question, it's time to go.

They make me go. Kicking and screaming... sometimes literally. This admission though, I told my neighbour I had a plan and intent and she took me straight to the emergency department. Now I have to try and get out of the bloody place... but clearly is the best place for me at the moment.

[live2ski66]

Hi Lobster Hands, so sorry you are going through this garbage. I know how hard you work at staying on top of the disease. If you are still not sure, you might want to touch base with your T and/PDoc. As for what you tell people, I tell them I have bad depression. People have come to accept depression, there isn't much stigma around it. I leave the juicy details out, mania, BPD, anxiety, etc.

Whatever you decide, I'm here for you. Just PM me. Will be thinking of you.

Usually I ask to be hospitalized if:
* I have been unable to sleep in 20+ hours and am still not feeling tired (I realize that some college students pull all-nighters, but this is not the case for me, because I understand the importance of sleep for managing my disorder).
* Inexplicable, erratic, unstoppable crying spells that have lasted ~24 hours
* Psychosomatic symptoms such as vomiting, tremors, nausea, sweating spells, dizziness, disorientation, blurred vision, possible psychosis, etc.

I keep a list of "red flags" in my BP management notebook. My closest family and friends are also aware of my warning signs. Before asking to be hospitalized, I'll usually call a family member and also talk to my psychiatrist.

My support network is sufficiently close-knit that someone will notice when I'm in poor shape (even if I don't, e.g. during hypomania), which provides me with a safety net.

The important thing, I suppose, is to create some kind of safety net so that you can push (or be pushed) to get help. BP needs to be strictly managed, and I don't like taking chances.