[Raging Phoenix]

I can't practice as a social worker anymore because I couldn't afford all the demands required of me from the impaired professionals program.

So I lost my job. I lost my ability to ever work as a social worker again.

My mother-in-law was less than supportive and told my wife that she should have left me.

I live in a very remote area with very few job opportunies. I'm applying for anything.

I've begun to experience strange physical problems that resemble stroke symptoms. We aren't sure if it's the medication or not, but it was enough to concern me to where I went to the ER. My cholesterol and triglycerides have been astronomically high since high school so that's a real concern.

My wife didn't take it seriously and her mom was aggravated as well because a few trips before were nothing. Although one trip before I was hospitalized and almost died due to my blood pressure not being controlled. Nobody came for that. Nobody came when I was in ICU dying after a suicide attempt either.

I get the feeling that my kids are the only people that would be affected if I died, and I feel largely expendable. I don't know how I got here to this place. I'm trying to stay positive but it's damn near impossible. I'm having fleeting suicidal thoughts but that's normal for me at times like this. If they get more serious I will ask for help.

I don't know what I am posting for other than venting a little. I don't have a support system anymore, so I just needed to share my thoughts.

[shortandcute]

I'm sorry that you're going through all that. Lots of hugs.

[BipolaRNurse]

I am so sorry. I too am a licensed professional who has reached the end of my own usefulness as a practitioner, and I know I can't go back to doing what I was doing. I'm terrified of the future because I have to work and don't know what I can do besides nursing. You have my sympathies, friend.

[crazycatlady_83]

It is very important to have a good support system within the family. And it's actually my husband and mother-in-law that I turn to when I need someone. My mom pretty much acts like it doesn't exist and had no idea what I meant when I said I was getting manic.
When I get depressed, I always think of my boys and cry over how much I would miss them or what would happen to them. I just can never imagine putting them through any of that, or have it explained to them when they get old enough to understand. My oldest is learning what bp is, and I know it would devastate him and I would worry thinking about how he would cope. Usually thinking of them will eventually get me out of my sui thoughts but I'll still stay in my depression, which consists of laying in bed staring at whatever is right in front of me, crying, or sleeping. Luckily it doesn't last long because I am rapid cycling, but I know even that has an effect on them.
I'm new to this site, but it seems like you can get plenty of support from everyone on here. Do you think having your wife read up on bp or join another forum to spousal support would help her to better understand? That helped my husband when he had absolutely no idea what to do to help me or what signs of triggers he needed to look for. Things were rough when I was first diagnosed.