I am afraid of therapy

I would recommend art therapy, because I am willing to bet that using a non-verbal communication and self-expression medium would work around the issues that currently stand in the way of your receiving therapy. Another non-verbal or less-verbal tool is sandbox. There is also drama therapy, which I have not tried, but suppose that it might help.

The reason I am bringing this up - I think that if all there is to the therapy session is talk, your paranoia and lack of trust would flare up in the form of your interpreting what the therapist says in ways that would confirm and strengthen the paranoia in your mind. By contrast, if the therapist, say, gives you a piece of clay and asks to shape it in the form of the anger or pain you feel inside, you really won't have a reason to be paranoid. At least that is how it seems from the outside. There are also rituals - my therapist once wrote down some of my extremely painful memories, and then we went outside and burned the paper on which she wrote. Believe it or not, but it helped immensely.

I think that if all there is to the therapy session is talk, your paranoia and lack of trust would flare up in the form of your interpreting what the therapist says in ways that would confirm and strengthen the paranoia in your mind.

Oh Hammy. You are so insightful. You saw my communications from inside me, and that is an amazing gift.

You totally hit the point. I did/do think that it is just talking, and I will admit, I have major trust issues. I was worried that if it were all talk, I would close up.

I never even thought of communication in the form of art.