[r010159]

It looks like my mother thinks my father is waiting for us at the hospital again. He died there over 15 years ago. She was there when it happened. She has become very agitated. When I would not take her, she tried calling the police. Then she wanted to see her neighbor. Fortunately this neighbor was home who she is visiting now.

Has anyone dealt with this before? How can I deal with my mother better who has this persistent delusion? I have locked the door preventing her from trying to walk to the hospital, which she has tried to do in the past. I have tried ton help her remember and even showed her the urn that contains my fathers ashes. She keeps telling me that she knows he is at the hospital.

I have sat her down and turned on the music channel that is on cable TV. This may relax her. Hopefully she may forget what she is upset about.

I took care of my mother in law who had alz, it is a very difficult job you have so I want to say first, please take good gentle care of yourself! I know the APs warn sgainst using them for dementia related symptoms but we found that seroquel really helped. My mother in law would just wondrr on occasion how 'good old Frank' is doing (her husband died in '88) but what agitated her most was that we wouldn't allow her to drive. The dr made a point to her of taking her license but it was hard for her to accept.
In our case eventually we had to move her into assisted living because I could not get her to bathe and she was incontinent. I just had no authority with her and she was getting more unhealthy physically the longer she stayed with us. It really was the best thing for her and I, especially for my mental health which had begun to spiral into depression and anxiety. I wish you the best.

[grandmaof3]

I work in a nursing home and deal with dementia daily. It doesn't do any good to tell the person with dementia that they are wrong or that a spouse is dead> This just gets them upset and more agitated. Its best to go along with whatever delusion they are having. In your case I would tell your mother that he is not well enough to go home from the hospital and that he called and wants her to stay home> This may help and it may not. My patients are constantly looking for people who aren't there and wanting to get home> Telling them that they are home does no good so we usually tell them that there is a bad storm and we can't go out in it. Or telling them we are waiting for the bus or other ride. Then we try to distract them with another activity.This usually appeases them. If they are in danger of hurting themselves or someone else we usually give them Ativan or Haldol or Seroquel. Being a caregiver for someone with dementia is very stressful and you need to make sure you are taking care of yourself. There is no shame in having a hard time handling the situation.

[~Christina]

I agree with grandma .. I also worked in nursing homes for years .. there is no point in arguing with someone with Dementia .. you will never win.

Distraction Distraction Distraction ...

Sundowners can be a real hard time ( late afternoon/evening)

I give you credit for doing this .. but please find time for you , It's easy to burn out when dealing with such trying times .

[swheaton]

Dementia is a tough one. We've several that receive care at the clinic and more at the assisted living facilities. You might want to get help at home to care for her. You need to be healthy and sound too.

[Supersonic]

r010159,

Im sorry to hear of what you and your mother are having to go through. I spent a number of years as a Hospice nurse. I dealt with patients and families dealing with loved ones that were end stage dementia and have been involved in similar circumstances as to what you have described. Much of what others have posted I feel are very good recommendations. I would urge you to work closely with a doctor very familiar with geriatric care and that has experience working with patients with different form of dementia.

Much of what will make a big difference has been mentioned; making sure that you don't contradict what your mothers reality is at any given time is very important as it will undoubtedly frustrate and confuse her. Finding a positive way to redirect can be very successful. Also finding comforting distractions that are familiar to your mother, such as having music playing like you mentioned trying, although there should be many other things that she once did for enjoyment that could incorporate into her day such as participation in preparing meals if she liked cooking (carefully of course). Keeping a tight schedule from day to day also helps a lot.

Also the previous mention of medications. This can be touchy for smily members and their providers. The idea is to provide palliative care, to alleviate negative symptoms without overmedicating. I have seen and participated in the prescribing of many therapeutic medications such as seroquel, PRN or scheduled as much as TID, Lorazepam PRN or scheduled, Haldol PRN (this one is really touchy with many providers), as well many other medications.

I would also look into the possibility that medicaid/medicare may cover partially or completely home health and or hospice when the time comes that your mother is appropriate which would provide you with in home help. As was previously mentioned it is very important that the caregivers take care of themselves as well. You and others are no good to your mother if you burn out, hurt yourself providing care, etc., etc.

I wish the best for you and your mother as well as any other family members that are touched by this. Dementia and the slow progression of it are very difficult. Keep your head up. There are always those special moments that will be remembered positively during these times.

Yours truly,
Supersonic

[Trippin2.0]

That's a tough one hey, I commend your efforts.

I think my mom is sadly on that road, or a very similar one, and she's not even old, only 64 now.

The last 4 years her memory has been shot to hell, she blames the trauma of losing her hubby and son... but 4 years later, it not getting any better.

She tells me something 3 times a day.
Example: Did you hear so and so was in a car accident...

Then she repeats it an hour or so later, and then a few hours later again. I have to be surpized or shocked or intrigued or whatever, multiple times or she gets angry at the fact that she forgot she already told me and starts banging pots and pans, which is very out of character, my mom is such a chilled lady...

I don't let her go shopping alone anymore, she forgets where she is or how to get home.
So if she insists on going herself, my 10 y.o tags along, just in case.

Also, we have to repeat ourselves atleast 3 times, she completely forgets convos. So no leaving her with messages or instructions anymore...

Your post caught my eye because a new "thing" started this week.

She has now twice looked for items of hers that have been gone, for like 10 yrs or more

She asked Jordan "Where's my peach mirror?"
and poor Jordan had nooo clue what ma was talking about because that mirror was wayyy before her time. I remember it well though, it was part of a gift set my mom got when Gary was born. Gary is nearly 24

Sooo I'm thinking, the way she's obviously not progressing, she will be looking for my dad one of these days... yikes

Sorry I didn't mean to thread hijack or anything, but I think you gave me a glimpse into my future with my mum...

[r010159]

I do have help from Medicaid for a caregiver. He comes for a few hours 5 times per week. This has been a big help. But he is not trained and experienced in the care of patients with dementia. He is overwhelmed trying to work to a schedule. He is not being assertive at all. I do not know if he will work out. It does not look good. For instance, my mother ended up showering Monday and then the following Saturday. She is supposed to be sponge bathed every day. He is not there during showers making sure my mother is washing herself properly, which she is probably not. I do not think she is even using soap. She is not being walked outside per doctors orders. I did work out a schedule with his boss that he is to follow, which he stopped doing at the end of the second day. I need to schedule a time with her boss to meet soon to discuss the progress.

I have spiraled into depression in the past. But I somehow made sure my mother had the essentials. By the time the caretaker started to take care of my mother, I was so depressed that I laid there in a sort of paralysis for periods of time, wondering how I was going to care for my mother. The stress was not helping me.

[r010159]

Well, disaster almost happened today. The exterminator came this morning. I unlocked the door for him. When he left, I thought I once more locked the door. When I was half asleep on the couch, I thought I heard something slam. I went back to sleep. Shortly afterwards I woke up. I then checked everywhere inside the house to no avail. I went to neighbor houses that she visits all the time. Still there was no mother. I walked toward the exit of the complex to find her right at the exist sitting down on a big rock. I was amazed how far she got considering a walk from the car to the entrance of a restaurant tires her out. She wanted to go to the hospital to pick up her husband, who actually died 15 years ago.

My mother would not comer back with me telling me I did not care about my father. I reminded her about the urn with his ashes in her room at home. She remembered. But she still insisted that he is at the hospital, for she "just knew it" to be true. I called a neighbor to pick both of us up. Then she went with her neighbor for a cup of coffee.

I need to make sure that a door is locked even if I have to place a sign on the door. Another episode of dementia.

[Victoria'smom]

My grandma put a stair baby gate that automatically locks outside her entrance door. so my grandpa couldn't leave.

[BipolaRNurse]

If this is a sudden worsening, you may want to have your mother checked for a urinary tract infection. It's one of the most common causes of delusions in people with dementia, and once the infection is cleared up they go back to baseline.

If not.....I really think it's time to consider a memory care facility or a nursing home. Once they start to wander, they are a danger to themselves and need 24/7 supervision, hopefully in a nice, safe, pleasant facility with staff who are specially trained in dementia care. These homes often provide secured outdoor walkways and gardens where the residents can wander safely, activities that suit their limited attention spans, and whatever physical assistance they need, e.g. incontinence care.

I echo the other members who said it's important to avoid reality orientation, because it almost always agitates people with dementia. If they think it's 1964 and they're waiting for their kids to get off the school bus, who's to say that it's wrong? It was probably a much happier time in their life---their husband was alive, their own parents were probably still around, and they were enjoying their children's growing-up years. Who'd want to be reminded that their spouse is dead and they are losing their mind?

Wishing you the best with your mother's care. It's a tough, tough job and you MUST take care of yourself in order to deal with the issues that are going to arise as her dementia progresses. So sorry you have to go through this.

[Victoria'smom]

One of my fondest memories of my grandfather is when he was walking around with my son (who wasn't well at the time) each having separate conversations completely oblivious to the other conversation. He brought him back ( they were walking in the enclosed garden). He looked at my son and told him that he hopes my son will still be at camp next weekend. ( they sold it a good 4 years before) When he brings his son mike who's 5 (45) so they can play together. He's happy to see such a polite young man and he has to always listen to his mom because she's doing a good job.

At first as kids we would remind him he said that, our names, but we quickly learned that its easier to "pretend" with grandpa then anger him. In. My grandpas. Last weeks he told my grandma he's sorry but he's always loved x and he's always regretted not asking her out and all these other tear jerking things about x as he asked for a divorce with my grandma to find x. He never did realize x was my grandma.

What I'm saying is once the person is safe then you can learn tons from who they were if you don't bother their current delusion unless its a negative one. I was one of the kids that couldn't watch him alone because I'd wandering with him to keep him safe. I couldn't get past the fact he was no longer my superior and I should/could tell him no and distract him.

See if there's dayhab for her? Are you in contact with your local Alzheimer's association? They probably have far more knowledge of local support to keep you and your mother as healthy and home as long as possible.