It makes sense that I'm bipolar...but then again, not so much.

Ok, yes, I accept that I've had delusions and psychosis in a past manic episode a year ago. That much is concrete and I believe it.

But everything else that happens lately has just got me completely confused and anxious.

I've read a lot about bipolar disorder lately (a lot...) and it just seems like I don't quite fit in. My moods seem to cycle far too frequently to be considered normal bipolar. I know there is a such thing as rapid cycling, but it is rarer and even still cycles slower than what I do.

I sort of feel like everybody (including me) tends to exaggerate there moods to get a point across but I'll try to be as frank as possible.

I'll start with three weeks ago. I was in bed for 14-18 hours a day with lots of suicidal thoughts and lots of negative thinking. I'd wake up, go to work, and come home to sleep again. Not a whole lot more to it than that.

About six or seven days ago, I flipped. It was night time when this phase started and I was in awe of everything around me. I would just look up at the moon through the trees and stare at it for 10 minutes. It was a good time, but I was basically a moron. I also managed to convince myself, for a brief time, that I should buy 10-15 suits so I could walk around being "fly" and be the new face of some brand.

The high time continued for another two days'ish. Then I crashed again and became extremely tired/fatigued and had lots of negative/suicidal thoughts. And this period of so called "depression" lasted for, I guess, a day.

Moving on, I became up again, apparently. Nothing super weird besides friends/coworkers commenting on me talking to fast for them, developing a stutter, speeding, and sleeping for four hours.

This brings me to, what I think is, today. I am fully aware of what is going on during both the high and low times. During the high times, I don't care about it just being a cycle. I want it to keep happening. And I contemplate stopping medication in an attempt to stay "up". During the down periods, I'm somewhat rational and I realize that those decisions are rash.

Back to the original point of this thread, I just don't feel like I fit in with bipolar disorder. I feel like they aren't even real cycles and I'm just being extra moody. Perhaps I'm just being hyper vigilant.

I have also read about borderline personality disorder. No, I don't think that fits me at all really (I'm no doctor though, so I can't say for sure). I don't have much of a history/problem with what it talks about.

Sorry for such a complicated/messy/confusing post. Maybe if you take your confusion and double it a couple times, you'll be to where I am. I just feel helpless to myself, I can't control my moods at all and it is starting to really really piss me off.

And yes, I'm talking to docs about all of this. I just don't feel entirely comfortable with them, so I don't really get a lot out of the sessions.

So, the thing with bipolar...
There's Bipolar I, Bipolar II...
then there's Bipolar NOS [not otherwise specified].
Which is kind of a big old mess to begin with.

Then you have the people who are DX'd BP NOS, and who are actually DX'd appropriately with that diagnosis [as appropriately as anyone can be given that DX], but there are also some... other things going on.

These 'other things' can range anywhere from migraines with typical or atypical presentation, adhd [which you mentioned somewhere], an ASD, an anxiety disorder [including OCD and panic], some type of dissociation [not necessarily DID], as well as others.

It is not terribly uncommon for those with bipolar to have some kind of migraine or headache issue along with the BP. Often migraine disorders can have strange symptomatology including mood, perception or cognition issues.. These can increase with stress or anxiety or cause either of those.

It gets murky and confusing, for doctors and patients/clients alike.

Im not suggesting you necessarily have any of this going on.
But the black and white text that describes bipolar and the reality of the situation don't always match up.

It can be really confusing at first, which is totally understandable.
I have always felt I was bipolar, but probably not a "typical" bipolar.
However, I'm never certain how to describe anything about the "typical" bipolar, either.



Josie

Cycling that quickly can happen in some people. Occasionally that happens to me too, actually it just did! I switched two nights ago into hypomania and then this morning I woke up hypo and within half an hour my mood completely switched. No triggers, nothing and it was within a minute this change occurred. I then proceeded to go back to bed and slept in till 1pm haha. However it should be noted I'm titrating up on lamotrigine atm and I took a higher than usual dose of seroquel to get to sleep and I'm sure that contributed to the switch as I call it XD.

While I don't think it's official there is ultra-rapid cycling which is within days/weeks and then ultradian (hours/days). Here's a link about it here which you might find useful Rapid cycling and mixed states as "Waves"

I am newly diagnosed, so take what I say with a BIG grain of salt, but I know that I swing even within a day -- sometimes it feels like I in a mixed state, both depressed and manic at once....this normally presents itself in anger and arguments in my household and ussually happens between states. Problem for me, I don't know what 'normal' is a I can't say I have ever felt normal.

I am on lithiuim and wellbutrin and was titrating up on lamictal. I fell off the cliff with anxiety and fear and anger then fear then weeping and stopped taking it. I haven't had a bad reaction like that since I was in my 20's and completely unmedicated. Also once before when they put me on depakote it gave me the most horrible sleeplessness and pushed negative sui ideations that I ended up hospitalized with an attempt (mind this was after I had told the doctor this was happening and his response was, "that can't be happening because of the drug, it doesn't have that affect.")

I'm uneasy that all the different meds in my life have somehow made the cycling different and worse. I can't seem to keep it on a level to hold a job lately and I'm scared. Doc appt Wednesday but those 15 minutes go quickly

If you hang out on here for awhile you will see that there are as many different versions of Bipolar as there are people diagnosed as Bipolar. It is great that the mental health community has come so far in the classification and treatment of this illness but it is nowhere near perfect.

Someone invented julienned carrots. Before somebody thought of cutting carrots like that no one knew about julienned carrots.

Nobody invented Bipolar by calling it Bipolar. What we think of as Bipolar has been around since the beginning of time and they are just trying to fit templates down over top of it to help make sense of it. But we are what we are. We are no beholden to the DSM. We don't have to fit perfectly. They have to figure us out. We were here first.

I spent a very long time using the DSM to disqualify my Bipolar. And the. A long time using it to disqualify my manias. Now I totally accept that I am this thing called Bipolar but what I experience is beyond what the DSM can currently handle. But I still exist. I am still here being Bipolar. My own personal variation on this illness.

You sound a lot like I did.

I have learned more about real life Bipolar on this board than I ever heard from a doctor. This board has really helped me understand the nuances and mysteries and absurdities of Bipolar and in doing so helped me to understand and accept my own Bipolar.

Good luck to you!

I cycle as quickly as you describe. That doesn't mean I don't have bipolar, just that I'm an ultra-rapid cycler. As others have said, bipolar as described in the textbooks only covers a portion of people who actually have bipolar. It can manifest in all kinds of ways.

Generis!
I love that article!

I have referenced it before and I love what they talk about, its great!

I'm doing okay on lamotrigine, I get irritable when I up the dose but then it evens out by the end of the week. I've got one more week to go before I'm at the "therapeutic" dose and then fingers crossed that it works for me!

In NZ depakote is called epilim XD. That was actually the first "mood stabilizer" that I was put on and I got soooo depressed and had suicidal thoughts. Luckily my psychiatrist is good so I told him what was happening and then I was switched to lamotrigine. Ughhh I shudder thinking about that experience

I hope you get the right meds soon! I'm at uni and I've been struggling to even turn up to class because I've just been getting worse since the start of this year

I just love everything from psycheeducation, it's so helpful it was one of the first websites about bipolar that I found super helpful (for anyone else reading I think the focus is almost exclusively on bipolar II, bipolar nos and some about anxiety and depression).

You sound like me. I miss the highs so bad...never needing much sleep, jumping up out of bed wanting to start the day, happy happy happy. And now that I'm on Lamictal, it doesn't happen. I miss that happy time because THIS crap sux. I want to die every ten minutes. I sit here and read my Facebook and am just so envious with all these people who have lots of family and are so involved in everything. I have gained 20 lbs but don' want to lift a finger to exercise or even cook for my kids. I have a son graduating and feel like I don't even want to go or be included. What is so sad is that my family is estranged so me, my husband and kids have NO ONE. And I mean NO ONE. So sad and confused. I've slept all day and can't wait to REALLY go to bed in an hour. How sad is that? Someone mentioned a Lamictal therapeutic dose. What is that? I'm on 200 and notice nothing different in my life, just no highs :-( Is there a dose for me or am I just a lost cause in the world?

I've found that my cycles change with age. Used to be have a dozen times a year and I could handle it. Now it can be days or weeks but I live for the middle. That is when I feel in control.