don't f'n have time for this

So I stopped all my meds partially out of frustration and partially out of no refills. Since I've talked about divorce, yelled a lot , became overly jealous again , though gruesome ( to others) SI thoughts ( this happens often w or w/o meds), and my body slowly rejecting food ( I think I can't swallow). I'm down to closing my eyes and shoveling down as many eggs as possible in less then two min.

So this leaves the issue of meds. I switched my lamictal with my sons as he has chewable but I refuse my o!d meds as I'll be out of state and need cheap meds. Then there's the issue of me not swallowing meds. I convinced myself to take abilify as its non-sedative. Well its 3 am I slept 2 hrs and now I'm wide awake. I only have a month to figure meds out, pack and figure out how to fix all the **** that's gone wrong with moving. Plus I'm spending way to much money and neglected insurance and cable for to many months.

Family #1 's daughter got put in the psych center. so I don't feel comfortable moving her family for at least 6 months but maybe she should move as soon as she gets released since she's moving anyway.

Family #2 hasn't found a job in the area

Family #3 had to take summer school

One of my sons sensis died practicing I have yet to tell him.

But back to me my hectic schedule, no pdoc and limited time. My husband is constantly trying to get me back on my old meds. Here's the thing I'll have to pay out of pocket one month and I run the house on a little over $700. So the meds have to be cheap and my new insurance will have to accept paying it after I move.

Here's the solution i can come up with:

1. Sit in my old pdocs office until a 'no show'
2. Sign into the crisis center so I can see their pdoc and just bounce after. Risk here is I may not be allowed to leave.
3 just wait until! T can get a new pdoc for me. I know she's trying hard because me off meds scares her
4 wait until I'm assigned a new pdoc risk here is I may not see them before I leave.

Any other suggestions apreshiated ? Any med suggestions?

It really seems irresponsible to keep playing doctor and changing your medications!

You should be following your prescription from your doctor, period. You are not able to change your medications just randomly by your impaired judgement.

I understand your frustrations and financial constraints, but you need to comply with the doctors RX, and not just randomly change it up.

hallo my dear friend....

I will sit here and wait for you.....I will wait for you!!

A word of wisdom my Mother tells me at times. "To take proper care of your family you have to take care of yourself first." So if you're not stable you need to figure out how to get back to being stable then take care of the other issues that are going on. I don't know how your doctor's office is but if something happens with me such as running out of refills or whatever all I have to do is call his office and they give him the message to refill my meds and if needed they throw me some samples to get me by. Maybe they will do this for you? Good luck and take care.

not taking ur meds sounds self-sabotage-y to me. just saying

I worry when you talk about taking or switching your son's meds. Messing with someone else's meds is worse than messing with your own.

As others have said, when you have impaired judgement it's not a time to play doctor with yourself.

MM,

You need to take a step back and realize what your doing .. your not only doing everything you said you would not do ... you are also messing with miguels meds .. thats going too far . it really is .

You need to get yourself back on track or you wont be any help to anyone during this massive move coming up.. If you cant do this for YOU do this for your family, your son.

Get help anyway you can and fast.

You should be following your prescription from your doctor, period. if I took it the way he wanted I would have ended up IP or completely spiraling out of control . last time I saw him he let me pick one of 2 options. I haven't seen him in 3+ months because he keeps canceling on me. One of the options were to add abilify so I did it on my own because the half life is a little over three days I can take 2x a wk. And it doesn't have the drowsiness of seroquel. I basicly have no pdoc. I don't see myself as randomly changing my meds.

So James you chose crisis care?

you need to figure out how to get back to being stable actually that's what I'm asking.

l have to do is call his office I've called, the front desk has instant messaged him, t has emailed him 6x, my h's t has emailed him, I've called the med line, and no one has heard anything. The front desk have got to the point to tell me I just have to wait until I'm assigned a new pdoc. I'll need samples if I stay on abilify but I don't want to because I'm convinced its making me gain weight.

I stopped my meds and withdrew so some of my meds I can't go back on (nor would I) with out a pdoc. I don't even want the meds I'm currently forcing down my throat in hopes of seeing this mess through to the other side without irreparable damage. I wouldn't have restarted if I was eating decent.

I worry when you talk about taking or switching your son's meds. I guess I wasn't clear the only difference between my lamictal and his is that his is chewable. Same strength
and everything.
---------------
So it looks like I call t see if she's heard anything, if not find out how to go to the crisis center, while heading to pdoc office unless she's going to do my intake.

Also does anybody know if the sleepiness of seroquel goes away?

I would go to a crisis center or urgent care or something; you sound like you're spiraling majorly. You need to do something now. I felt panicked just reading your post.

I think with seroquel it's pretty individual, but for me, it wore off after a week or so. Then it just got me regular sleep. Except while depressed. Then it was just too easy to stay in bed all day.

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for me it did. took a long time though

So I'm doing laundry and packing for the crisis center.

I don't think I'll be admitted because I don't meet the criteria:

Crisis Residential Unit must be 18 years of age or older, have severely impaired judgment that poses an active danger to self and others, display active psychotic behavior and has documented failure of outpatient treatment.

I'll call t first thing in the morning.

What if I just took my lamictal, and welbutrin daily and seroquil prn?

Go to the crisis center.

I think you need to be on a mood stabilizer. I understand if you don't have the money to get your drugs. You should probably go to the crisis center. They may have some input into a way to afford your meds. Many drug companies will give you the meds for free if you meet their financial criteria. Good luck to you. You are in my prayers.

Currently I'm taking:

150 lamictal ( taking the chewables but prescribed the non chewable kind)
100 welbutrin (25 mg more then prescribed last visit)
50 mg seroquel (~2x a week)
2.5 mg abilify (non prescribed but talked about adding last visit) ~ 4x a week
______________________________
Not taking viibryd which is prescribed.

I had vaguely stopped meds ( I took the lamictal and viibryd every 3rd day enough to starve off withdraw ) and restarted Tuesday ish

___________________________
Its not just my stuff that's a mess. My husband has been staving off withdraw from his meds because he can't get ahold of his team and my son was discharged with out.

I wish you would stop playing around with your meds and go to the crisis center. You can find more ways to justify what you are doing, but you are not okay and need direct professional help.

I'm worried about you, MM. You need help!

I get the feeling that what you're looking for from us is approval---of not taking care of yourself, of manipulating your (and others') meds. Well, this is one person who can't give it, and if you were 100% in your right mind you wouldn't need to try to convince us that everything is hunky-dory when it's so clear to us that it's not.

You know it too. We are WORRIED about you, and when you have many people giving you the same type of feedback, you'd do well to pay attention. PLEASE go to the crisis center. You may not be admitted, but perhaps they have a way of reaching you that we don't. Just know that we're here for you and wish you only the very best.

I'm not looking for approval and I'm sure I'm frustrating. I'm packing for CU it really is not that I'm not listening I really am listening and rereading your posts. I'm so pessimistic because I have less than a month to see if new meds work and meds working without psychosis for me is almost unheard of. No one seems to notice the psychosis until I'm all cut up and that's even worse then whatever this is. If it's easy for you guys to see I don't know how to show it IRL. How would I know if I was in an episode or if this is just who I am? I don't want to be turned away from CU but I don't see myself as a danger to myself or others.

Maybe you should tell them that you are a danger to yourself. I think with you messing around with your own medications - you are...

I hope you get the help that you need xox

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How about printing out your posts? That's what comes to mind, because that is how we are getting the information that makes it so clear that things are not ok. Presented with what we know, they will understand too. Also, you may find it easier than trying to explain verbally, because there's so much.
Wishing you the best, MM.

What I'm printing and taking.


I started to mess around with my medication around 4/24 adding 2.5 mg left over ability. Less than a week later I stopped sleeping. I took away the welbutrin and abilify (because of weight gain) and added my seroquil. Then my viibryd ran out and just the took the serquil, lamictal and 20 mg viibryd Every 2-3 days (whenever withdraw was bad). When I finished viibryd. The serouqul makes me feel numb, drugged and slow but was taking it every other day to sleep 3 hrs a night.

When finally getting the refills I already had withdrawn from the viibryd, became scared of the welbutrin and given the wrong shaped lamictal. So I just stopped taking meds except the occasional seroquiol when having SI thoughts and whenever I could force myself to take 100 mg lamictal. I started taking the lamictal about 3x a week my eating habits got bad.

I woke up not thinking I could swallow by this time I was taking the chew-able lamictal every once in a while and restarted the abilify. Taking the welbutrin as a prn.

________________________________

Last SI thought 3 days ago.
Sleeping about 4-6 hrs a night.

Last meds taken:
Friday night: 150 chewable lamictal

sunday 10 am: 25 mg serouqel
100 mg welbutrin

Ah, sweetie, there's a good part of your problem---not taking your prescribed meds routinely AND throwing in other ones here and there that are not prescribed to you. Nothing on earth is more important to us bipolars than routine---boring, dull, lifesaving routine. Sleep, meds, meals.....all of it needs to be done on a reasonable schedule. Until you get these things in line, life will continue to be confusing and your moods will be all over the place.

I know. I fought it tooth and nail for years, but I didn't stand a chance of getting well until I got sleep/rest and meals on a schedule. My pdoc actually imposed a bedtime, as if I were a five-year-old instead of a 55-year-old, but the dear man really did know what he was talking about and I've done much better since then.

Even if you don't sleep, go to bed and get up at the same times each day. This resets your body clock and eventually you WILL feel tired when it's time to go to bed. I realize your life is in chaos and that this will be very difficult, but you've got nothing to lose by trying it.

In the meantime, I hope you're packed up and ready to go to the crisis unit, and that they'll be able to help you. Best wishes, and ((((HUGS)))) to you.

It is not a good idea screwing around with Lamictal this way. It is not to be taken on an as needed basis. I honestly think you are going about this all wrong. Apparently, you have not done your research. Not reliably taking your meds and changing them willy-nilly tells me this. Believe me, I have tried this approach in a very intelligent and informed way in the past. At best you will not accomplish anything. But then the potential pitfalls are great. Then what do you do if you get yourself into trouble? The solution may not be getting rid of the most recent medication added or increased for example.