[JJ1988]

There's a dilemma I currently am in. I've had a rough life, and things just keep getting harder. I had to grow up fast, my dad physically and mentally abused me, I saw my mom lose her mind and leave at the age of 16.I constantly moved, and eventually settled I'm Flint MI....a big city riddled with crime and poverty (look it up, Roger and Me by Michael Moore covers flint pretty well) I think I've gone through at least 4 different school districts and 7 schools, there is no normalcy, there is no comfort, no familiarity. I don't have that psychological anchor that most people have. Baby pictures, old toys, school pictures, gone. The only way you can tell I have had any kind of documented life is Internet accounts and debts. I have a child. She is currently 18 months, and not only my daughters mom is keeping her away from me, so is my dad. My dad has thrown me out on the street 3 times and wouldn't even give me a place to stay when I was down and out. It's like, he's punishing me for not being able to cope with the life he brought me into. He wasnt ready for me, I had to suffer with him and his hardships and he turns his back on me, my question is... With so many vital things missing in my life, and constantly changing; how do you trust? How do you get comfortable? I am so angry, and it's effecting me and everyone around. Lately I can't even control my anger and it scares me. I don't fear death, I look forward to it. This
Life sucks, I want to go back home, but thats something I'm not going to pursue on my own (I'm not suicidal) I'm just tired of being so angry and on the defense with everyone. I smile and shake people's hands while holding a knife in the
Other one. People do not know things about me unless I want them to know, I have a wall on demand, I don't like living this way but that's what everything has turned me into...how do I fix this?

[Travelinglady]

Hello, JJ1988, and welcome to Psych Central! Given all what you have been through, I suggest seeking out a counselor and dealing with these childhood issues. Over time you will begin to trust and learn how to make friends.

Of course, it will take you awhile to trust your therapist, but I think that will come with time.

That's my suggestion, anyway. I hope things will get better for you before too long.

[Skitz13]

Welcome !!!

Some, maybe a lot of therapy will do you some good. It sounds like it's been a hard life, to put it mildly.

Horrible things that happen to us when we're young shape us into the people we don't want to be.

It will take some time but you can get it sorted out and live a better life but you have to work through the past first.

[usehername]

I grew up much like you... It sucks and it's hard to even be alive afterward. I understand.

What I did was observe one person over time to figure out whether or not he was trustworthy in general. Then, I worked hard to open to him, little by little. I'm still constantly afraid I chose wrong. I quickly figured out I was only getting so far by myself, but yearned for that connection, so I sought therapy. When asked what my goal was, it was very simply to be able to open up to anyone, but specifically this person. Once I trusted her, I told her everything about him and she confirmed my initial idea that he was worth the trouble and I could trust him. I would've still looked for her to meet him, but it wasn't feasible. Every day, I'm still struggling with it, but I have managed to open up to several people here, and I've gotten better in general about it... With the right person, I even over share now. It feels better that constantly being on edge.

I don't know if that helps any... Just thought I'd let you know you're not alone, even if it feels like it. I hope it gets easier for you.

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[Victoria'smom]

The first 6 years of my sons life sounds like yours. The first picture have of him is at our wedding when he was 2. Hopefully though we weren't / aren't abusive. So I think there's untreated mental illness in play here too. If you don't mind me asking how old are you?

After 16 my parents didn't let me back into the house no matter what you have options depending on age. You need stable housing and treatment so you can get a court order to see your daughter. What are your interests or what were they as a kid?