I don't know what's wrong with me. I've been more depressed than I have in a very long time. Usually I get some mania everyday but over the last week I haven't had any. I feel useless. I'm getting angry and anxious for no reason. My meds have always been able to help me but lately nothing. For some reason I'm not even taking them half the time. My family is very back and forth on this whole depression medication thing. So sometimes I believe it's really a chemical imbalance and then sometimes I don't believe it at all. I'm even taking things out on my son. Not abusive I just don't care. I want to cry so bad but over the last three years I've been convinced, and I don't know by who, that crying is bad. Not to mention I don't want to do it in front of my son. The biggest problem is that I can't find a job. I've screwed up so many jobs because of my anxiety taking over and thus getting me to leave that I don't have a great resume. Even school is getting hard for me to do. My back is killing me too. Needing surgery is annoying but because of people I know who have gotten worse after surgery I am terrified to do it. I just feel so alone. Generally I don't like friends, I don't want them. I need to fix myself before I can commit to helping anyone else. But that's all I do. I put everyone in my life needs above myself. Yet I feel like crap and it isn't getting better. I had therapy yesterday but didn't go because I don't feel my therapist is helping at all. I need a new one but then I feel bad if I go to another one at the same clinic. I don't like hurting people. I put so much pressure on my family and boyfriend, even my son. I just don't want to do this anymore. I know that giving up is bad and it won't help but I don't know what else to do. Sure Friday I go to my psych but she'll just up or change my meds and I hate waiting to see if they kick in or work. I turn to the people on here expecting help and understanding but I just feel like all I'm doing is *****ing and that's one thing I hate doing. I know people in this world have it worse than I do. I want to help others but it's just not working. What do I do? I want it to get better. Even if it's slowly but that isn't working either. *sigh*

[Skitz13]

I understand how you're feeling, however, you have to be compliant with your treatment. You have to take your medication as prescribed. If your therapist isn't working for you, you need to find another one even if it's in the same clinic. You can't compromise your mental health because you feel bad about changing therapist. You have a lot going on in your life and it's seems like you allow your family to have a big influence on you.

Also... you HAVE to take care of yourself, like you said you can't take care of others if you can't get a hold of this. You have to come first right now. You need to stop being the caregiver, it's not working for you.

Maybe you don't need a med change, maybe you just need to take your meds on a regular basis. You're not going to be able to know if they are effective if you're not taking them properly.

I suggest you get yourself a therapist that you can work with because you have way too much going on and it sounds like you need the support.

Finding this forum will help as well. You'll be amazed at how many people are going through the same things you are

[Victoria'smom]

Print this out and give it to your current therapist maybe she can use a different stragety ones changing a therapist its hard to change again.

[Disorder7]

I agree with Plzsti. And your comment about not taking your meds half of the time really jumped out at me.
I'm not a doctor or anything, but I've heard not taking your meds as directed can really mess you up.

No matter what, keep trying and don't give up.

Hello Zpe: I will second everything Plzsti wrote. I will also mention, I used to work with people who had sustained back injuries. Back surgery is unpredictable. I have low-back problems as well & I won't have surgery. Have you had any physical therapy for your condition? I have &, again, I can't say it was that helpful for me. But that doesn't mean it wouldn't work for you. I walk quite a bit; and I'm careful how I bend, stoop, squat, & lift. This has been the most helpful for me. With regard to work, have you looked into whether of not there might be some type of vocational services available to help you find & retain employment? I know some states offer more of this type of thing than others. But it would be worth checking into, if you haven't already.

I think, in general, your title for your post was on target. You've hit a new low in your depression status. It is DEPRESSION that is causing you to do, or not do, all of what you describe here. So you need to do the things that are necessary in order to treat your depression. Although, as PC'ers, we're all more than willing to read each others' rants, what we really want for one another is for each one of us to heal. That can only occur when we take our med's consistently (if we have them), see our therapists & / or pdoc's as scheduled, & do whatever else we need to do. I know it's difficult. I'm as guilty as anyone. But it's the bottom line.