Wait a minute, I see the light...

wildflowerchild25 · Jul 03, 2014, 05:34 PM

After I sunk further onto the rocks on Tuesday, after they began to cut my back and I began to like it and I shut my eyes and brain and just gave in to the darkness, after my brain completely shorted out...I opened my eyes and saw it. A dim light way in the distance, flickering gently, drawing my attention away from the darkness surrounding me. It's what I needed. I don't know where it came from or why it appeared. But even though laying down was easier...I chose to sit up to try to see it better.

I feel like my mind is slowly rebooting after a complete meltdown. A month of the worst depression I have experienced since the car accident I had in October. Thank god I'm rapid cycling, I don't know what would have happened if I had to suffer that for months or years as some of you guys do. Tuesday night I decided to push myself to go to the grocery store by myself. I haven't been to any store by myself in two weeks because I've been paralyzed by depression. But I made it there. I bought some food. Didn't cry.

I still feel weakened by the experience. Raw. Like I need to celebrate my small accomplishments so I can stay motivated to keep going. Like yay, I didn't cry today! I made my son dinner, I washed the dishes, I thought about my lesson plans once without panicking, etcetera. But I guess that's not so bad.

I'm staying mindful because I don't know yet if this is medication kicking in or a natural upswing. I'm hoping for option A...I don't have the energy to keep swinging back and forth. But again, staying mindful, taking it one day at a time, going to enjoy my last three days before summer school starts. Thank goodness the light came back before I had to go back to work.

Anyway thank you everyone for your support again. I'm so happy to be able to come here when everything had gone to hell in a hand basket. I hope I'm on my way out of hell for at least a little while and I hope all of you are too!