[ricwag]

Irritability, for me, is probably the worst part of all of this (BP II). Over the years and with tweaks here and there I usually don't hit the horrendous levels of depression now. I do still get hypo from time to time but it doesn't get in my way too badly (I think most of us want/envy this aspect). But I would trade almost anything to be rid of the irritability.

Does anyone else experience it as a physical thing? I feel like I'm being tortured from the inside out. The problem is that I can't say what hurts, what's sensitive or describe any actual physical symptom. When at its worst my eyes always feel dry, slitted and swollen. But that matches nothing and certainly doesn't explain the problem.

I've also noticed that I tend to be very clumsy in this state. I bump into things, knock things over and fumble things. This is often what really sets off a full brat attack. I sem to be trying to move more quickly than my body can respond to (makes sense I suppose).

I'm rarely angry AT something or someone - I'm just raw from the inside out.

In 25 years or so of diagnosis I've never gotten a good answer for this. I am aware that, as I improve in other ways I'm more aware of this problem. This also means that I've never really insisted that a dr. pay close attention to it. Also, from looking on the web today, it appears that the medical community is now paying attention to this issue.

Out of all the facets of bipolar disorder, irritability has to be the major destroyer of relationships. It must stay on the front burner.

[rollacoasta]

Hey there, you are not alone with the irritability side of things. BP II here also, for the loved ones around me they all mention that my irritability is one of the hardest symptoms for them to handle.

Do you find you are not aware of how bad it actually was until after your episode has calmed down?

And then do you feel really guilty about it and feel susceptible to going into a low?

Like beat yourself up?

[wildflowerchild25]

Well said. I feel the same way. Worst part of BP for me too.

[Standup2me]

ricwag - you've put into words something that I've always felt, being tortured from the inside out
I go through eye drops by the litre, I drop things, I bump into things, and I get
very tongue-tangled

Sometimes it feels like it is not me in my body, as if I am watching me

Sometimes when I am talking, it feels like it is not me talking

Do you get that too?

[Mrs. Mania]

I hate this myself. I call it my "fits of rage" & they are horrible! I am afflicted physically when I have one. My words actually choke me while coming out making them garbled. My eyesight blurs sometimes also, literally blinding me. I am also more clumsy at these times. It's by far the worst part of my bp

[Love&Toil]

Ricwag and others - I'm sorry to hear you are facing these symptoms but it's so good to hear other people are experiencing this too, not just me. I have often described my irritability as a physical thing. It feels like there are glass shards in my veins. I can physically feel the irritability. At times it would make me feel very physically agitated too, like I had to do something with my arms (grab, flail) when it peaked. My meds help.

[ricwag]

Originally Posted by rollacoasta

Hey there, you are not alone with the irritability side of things. BP II here also, for the loved ones around me they all mention that my irritability is one of the hardest symptoms for them to handle.

Do you find you are not aware of how bad it actually was until after your episode has calmed down?

And then do you feel really guilty about it and feel susceptible to going into a low?

Like beat yourself up?

I'm somewhat aware of the problem from both sides; my father was like this too.

I do feel guilt. I'm obviously in the wrong. I feel worst about the full brat attack. This is never directed at anyone but is very hard to live with even for that brief time.

I don't think that a full low follows this for me. Actually, where I am with this now and for the past few months (I believe) has been alternating mixed state with plain depression.

One factor at this point is that my wife and I have been in a desperate state for the past few months. On top of not being able to link with a pdoc most of this time, moving to Georgia finally had us slamming into a brick wall financially. We even wound up homeless for most of a month. We are now living in less than ideal conditions. That's enough for someone stable to fall apart.

[awebb198488]

I definitely can relate to the irritability. I always feel guilty about my bratty moments later too. I have a hard time when people point this out because that tends to make me more irritable!

[ricwag]

Originally Posted by awebb198488

I definitely can relate to the irritability. I always feel guilty about my bratty moments later too. I have a hard time when people point this out because that tends to make me more irritable!

Exactly! Then there's the problem of being legitimately upset and having friends/family blow if off as being "the same old thing" when, in reality, they probaly need to look at the issue and make an adjustment.

I suppose that a new saying could be: "Just because I'm angry doesn't mean you're right."

[Disorder7]

Yes, what all of you said.

The only difference is sometimes during a fit a rage, it sometimes turns euphoric. The energy is amazing and destructive.

And then the guilt sets in later....

[rollacoasta]

Can relate to Disorder7 about the euphoric nature... I recall trying to sleep, it got to 4am so I decided I would forget sleep for the night, drive up to a peak and watch the sunrise, claiming to everyone close to me that I am going to make millions of dollars... and I have the answer to life.. ha ha