I'm scared. First time in my life I've had suicidal thoughts. This is not good.

I was diagnosed BP2 about 4 yrs ago. Been unemployed. Living at home at the age of 44, not by choice but by having to move there due to loss of job and really hard finding a new one. Father is an Alzehimer's patient. I think my mom (the forever micromanager) is severely depressed (or something else?).

I find I can't take charge of my own well being by staying here. But lack of money is keeping me here. My own mother told me nobody would ever hire me. I'm not sure why she'd say that hurtful thing. She denies she said it. She's paying now the price of marrying someone as old as her own father. My grandfather died at the age of 99 nearly 2 yrs ago. My dad is currently 97. I'm unmarried by choice and I don't regret it. So being the unmarried daughter I am expected to behave in certain ways I cannot and will not accept. I try to help but it's never right and never enough. So I stop helping most of the time. I'm the ungrateful, selfish daughter. Sometimes I give up and behave exactly like that because I can't win anyway.

I've been trying to get a job away from my home state. I need to put distance to gather myself and finally be able to get some kind of control over my BP. My mother doesn't understand the situation. To her, I'm just a "functional crazy." I've asked her, no, pleaded with her to go see someone but she won't. I've aksed her to do it because she doesn't realize that her behavior affects those around her. I'm stressed, depressed (and can't snap out of it because the moment I start feeling better she brings me down again).

I say thank you for the times she's paid for trips away from home to go do what I like to do. But I'm still ungrateful.

She was supposed to finally take a vacation but was so insecure about it and couldn't make a final decision without consulting with my brother. (apparently my opinion doesn't count for much and she doesn't trust me). She ended up cancelling the whole thing. Making my aunt cancel the trip (and loose money).

Too many arguments. Even when I know I'm right. I can't win and just walk away and tell her to not talk to me. I know myself and I might say something hurtful. It's better to go into my room and not even look at her.

I'm bitter that I've gotten stuck with a responsibility I didn't ask for or was ready for while having to deal with something rather heavy with no help from my family whatsoever. Yes, I've been dealing and coping with BP by myself.

There's more but I'll get to the point now.

Today was the first time in my life, I've seriously thought I've wanted to go sleep and never wake up. Of course I won't go through with it. Not because I'll hurt those staying behind. Maybe my mom/brother/dad (he'll forget anyway). My extended family could care less. They ignore me now as it is because I call them out on their hypocrisy.

So I'm scared of myself because this is the first time that has seriously crossed my mind.

Being in here and not seeing a way out, since there are no bites on the resume side. A mother that I'm so tired of and we just clash all the time. Yes, I'm lazy. But when I am actually in a job, I work my butt off and give 100% or more. She claims I don't and will never be hired again anywhere.

Again, I'm scared those thoughts have finally entered my head. I can't find a therapist I feel comfortable with. I had one bad experience and have a real hard time finding one I feel I can trust.

What do I do? I take yoga classes (which I find extremely therapeutic. not only as exercise, but socialization. I get to talk to people who like what I like) twice a week and try to meditate at home to relax, but it's not enough. I can't even close my bedroom door. She'll always burst in without even knocking. No privacy.

What do I do? I don't want to keep those thoughts in my head. I know putting distance is a form of running away. But I see no other choice. Distance helps me put my thoughts in order. Every time I go away for a week. I reluctantly come back, but with slightly more clarity in my brain.

I feel I've reached the end of my rope. Nah, more like the rope is about to snap and let me fall.

I'm open to opinions or suggestions. Except religion. I respect but that's one thing I will not do. I don't pray. Please don't ask me to. (that's another huge issue in this house. A former catholic turned non-religious living with someone who goes to mass every day makes for a very difficult situation in an already tense and stressing environment. Sorry if that offends anyone. But there you go.

Sorry for the length. Just typing this out helped me let out steam instead of yelling at the "general" or crying myself to sleep. (hehe I hate to cry and I've been doing that too often). I don't know where else to turn to.

I am going to visit my brother in about a week (his treat). That should let everyone get some breathing room.

Thank you

Hi there, good on you for coming on here and talking about what is going on for you. Do you have a good group of social support services that you could turn to and call up? Like a free number?

It's always difficult dealing with the BP, let alone when you are in an environment where there is other stressors etc going on, so full credit to you.

You've done well so far. Sounds like a toxic environment that's just adding to your triggers. There's no easy way out if you are financially dependent on your living arrangements. I'm wondering if you need a change of meds or adjusting of your current regime. I'm hoping there is a professional that you can talk to about all of this soon.

Thanks both for welcoming me. Yes, it's a very toxic environment here and that's what makes it so frustrating. More often than not, I see no way out. I did find out about one group. They only meet once a month. Not sure how good or effective that is, but I'll give it a shot. I just have to start working on convincing the general to go to her Mass in the morning as opposed to the evening (like she does when I go to yoga class - that took me forever to convince her).

We'll see how that goes. But I'm glad I found this forum. Even just typing things out and venting my frustration out helps loads.