The Monster

Been in marriage counseling for 2 years... however if the party helps to make her believe that I gotta get right that leads her to believe I gotta get fixed to fix this marriage.. yeah that's quality. ... not happy

Being happy is what matters the most. How can you get any better if you're not happy?
You have a lot of anger... I'm not judging, so do I.
Being around someone that condemns you all the time is hard on ya. And just makes you all the more angry. I deal with that a lot myself.
I think the best way I get through it is to go to my room, turn the lights off and just watch tv for a while, or at least till I calm down.
It's hard for others that don't know what it feels like to understand us. It's even harder on us when we don't know why we feel the way we do. Or at least that's how I feel anyway.

The stuff you just discussed was pretty much dead on.... thanks for YOUR support

The Monster Within.... That's pretty accurate.
Because sometimes there's a voice within, a voice different than the one you're use to.
Different than the voice you use to read silently in your mind. This other voice is cruel, hateful and sucks the life right out of you. That "monster" voice tells you how to act, how to view the world. Tells you that you are unlovable, and you can not love. That voice is scary beyond words, terrifying and benevolent.
That voice rules your world... it is darkness.

That is half of me, the other half is the opposite.... You know both.

I know that monster intimately .. unfortunately.

I just want to wake up and feel something.... I just want to be me for once, not a shell of what I use to be.
I want to feel passion for life, for love.

Is that to much to ask?

Who or what is that Monster? Is it in you, part of you or outside yourself as if its talking to you? I think that could be severe depression, I call it demonic force. And other part is your inner being wanting to feel better, enjoy life etc. I get in conflict with self, feel like battling with a fierce destructive, controlling and resistant force.

Welp. Like we.talked about.. the monster... people here understand ya always nice to have that... it's even better for it to be more personal but at least we have a group here.. I feel your pain. Or at least setting very very similar