[LastQuestion]

I have no life to get back to. I don't see any way forward from where I am. I had several specific long term goals, but what set me off on my ongoing episode was how I was forced to realize that they are all outside of what is currently possible.

It's not even about starting over, it's as if I've never been able to start living. I've always been too damned unstable, depressed, or otherwise unable to effectively function.

I really have no clear idea of what I can do to be someone who won't eventually commit suicide. Nothing to go back to; nothing to live for - I satiate my boredom and sense of helplessness by fantasizing about suicide now. I don't feel depressed and there are plenty of things I know I could enjoy if they were not out of reach. I'm just so tired of trying so hard and getting almost nothing in return.

My world collapsed. All my efforts to try to build a life turned to ash, and then, after that event, my mind was consumed by depression. It's just gone. I don't know where to even start from at this point as there aren't any pieces to pick up.

I've been doing what I can to become stable. These efforts seem to have been quite effective. I believe I'm in recovery, but not able to really recover as there's nothing for me to recover to. I'm running out of ideas...patience, and it's so comforting to imagine no longer existing in this state. Some nights when I'm trying to go to sleep I think about just getting up and going, right then, to act on the only idea I have confidence in anymore. I think, **** sleep because **** waking up to this - just go; go and finally be gone.

[lilypup]

If you are still sui, then you may not be very far in recovery. You still sound depressed to me. You can build a life in any situation but it takes energy and enthusiasm. I certainly have none of that when depressed. Be good to yourself...set some small goals and achieve them.
Good luck...I hope you feel better.

[Love&Toil]

Creating a life, building a life.... many of us face this crisis from time to time. Defining what you want and imagining a new life is daunting. But it is not impossible. You just don't see it now. Give yourself a chance to see it.

[January]

I, too, hope you will give yourself an opportunity to see a life for yourself. Do you have a pdoc? If you do, I urge you to make an appointment. If you don't have one, please go to your local hospital E.R. and explain how you're feeling. There really is hope with bp depression. It might not be perfect, but it is something and it is real.

I wish you the very best,

Jan

LastQuestion, I appreciate your post. Aside from occasional, wonderful time spent with my grown children I'm finding it really difficult to see much purpose to the rest of my life these days. Most of the time I daydream about how happy I was back in high school...30+ years ago. I feel pathetic. I wish I had a good answer for you, but at least...well, you're not alone. And honestly, for some reason something tells me better times will come. Seriously.

[BlackPup]

It took me about a year or so after I recovered from my last major episode to even begin to rebuild my life. Be patient and better times will come. When you are depressed or recovering from depression you can't even imagine the happiness and joy that life can bring.

What helped me become someone who won't think of suicide was realising how precious I am to God. Don't know if that will help but it did for me.

[Trippin2.0]

How about therapy?

I've never been an advocate before, but since its been helping me immensely over the past few months I've realized it really is worth a try.

A therapist can help you set goals and guide you toward achieving them. I'm sure that having a therapist will be of much use to you in building something where there is currently nothing.

Many hugs to you