[tigersassy]

I'm so trying to understand what this is that's wrong with me. My wife brought up a relationship I had been in before we got together a few days ago. She told me it was disgusting. It was with my boss, man old enough to be my father, at the time. I got together with him so that I could get away from my home life (lots of abuse there). I had intercourse with him to cover my portion of rent and food. I'm pretty sure I was manic during that time. It's not a time I am proud of. High school senior year I was manic. Freshman year of college depressed. I cycle I have to accept that. This is me. It's always been me. Just now I have people trying to help even me out so I'm less extreme. Is it better to be less extreme, I don't want to lose me. I'm wanting to dress provocatively, but I can't my clothes are becoming uncomfortable (thank you seroquel). This isn't a good thing because now I don't want to eat at all. I know I'm still too high. I don't want to sleep. I want to do and experience, but I don't want to put myself in danger. I'm wanting to go dance in the street and pray for rain I can dance in. I'm thinking work might be difficult this week. Going to have to take my seroquel more frequently at work. Why can't I just land in the middle for a while. I can't make the thoughts stop. It's been so bad this weekend that I've started writing this a dozen times, but I want able to make coherent trains of thought. I need to wind down and prepare for bed, but that's the last thing I want to do. I want to share my story but I don't want people at work to know. What would happen if I just let go of my control and did everything I felt like doing? I haven't been writing in my journal or tracking my moods. Going to try sleep now.

[Travelinglady]

Dear one, I suggest you call your therapist and psychiatrist to tell them how you are feeling. You might need something other than Seroquel to get you to calm down.

[tigersassy]

I'm trying. I'm trying to give this a chance. This being the meds. I don't want to but I need to. I don't know how too explain how I'm feeling to make them understand. I'm just wanting do what I want to do instead off what I have to do.

[Double Edge]

Maybe the topic your wife brought up was triggering in some way, especially in the way she responded to it. "Disgusting." Such a strong word that provokes such feelings of shame, guilt, inadequacy, and deviance. And you realize now it was due to your mania, and it makes you feel ashamed...I get that, I've cheated on relationship partners multiple times, all during hypomanic episodes, and I feel enormous guilt and shame, and it feels like the person who made that decision was someone entirely different, one who justified your impulsive actions at the time as perfectly making sense.

I'm the opposite of you right now, depressed. Supposed to start Lamictal to "elevate me out of depression and just a little higher, little less than hypomania" in my doctor's words. I don't think I can tell anyone other than 3 close friends and my husband about my dx. Totally afraid of the stigmatization. At the same time, I want to decrease stigmatization as psychology is my chosen profession and that comes through having a voice. I am so, so conflicted about this. But I just got my BP dx two weeks ago. Still trying to accept it, even though it explains SO MUCH. It's obvious. I even suspected it. But somehow having to accept it is so much different. Strange, since I'm still me. Just evaluating myself and past actions way differently now, and it's all a bit much to process.

I just share all this with you to say you're not alone, even if you don't know exactly how you feel or can't trust your thoughts. Pretty sure everyone on here has felt that at one time or another. I'm also afraid of "losing myself" in the medications, feeling like someone other than myself. Quite terrified actually. But anything has got to be better than this depression.

You're never alone. Reach out whenever you need to and keep going, day at a time!

[tigersassy]

Yeah thank you double its nice to know someone understands. I've taken 150mgs of seroquel already today and I'm still running to fast. One of my bosses noticed the talking to fast. And random thoughts. I'm keeping my mouth in check so that's a good thing. I need to do so much but the drive is gone. Trying really hard to focus. Yep this is just a rambling thread. No focus. No direction just words.

[tigersassy]

Going to call Pdoc today maybe. I'm still manic. But should I give the changes in the meds more time to work? It'll be a week tomorrow.
Everything is so bright and shiny. It's like everything is new. Drove to fast to work. I told one person other than my wife about this. She's like a surrogate mom to me. I've got so many things to do today. But none of them hold my interest. I wish that my wife knew what to do to help or even if I knew what to do. But....

[Standup2me]

Tig, as for the "disgusting" part, we've all done things, in the past, that we
are not proud of. Nobody has the right to judge you for that

My opinion is that your wife needs to learn that the past is the past, and needs to stay there.

Hard to do, but we do it for the ones we love.

[tigersassy]

Originally Posted by Standup2me

Tig, as for the "disgusting" part, we've all done things, in the past, that we
are not proud of. Nobody has the right to judge you for that

My opinion is that your wife needs to learn that the past is the past, and needs to stay there.

Hard to do, but we do it for the ones we love.

She normally is good about that, letting the past stay in the past, but her mother brought it up. I know that doesn't make it more acceptable, but I do understand why it brought it back up.