[OutlawedSpirit]

So my wife, for years, has told me if I want to sleep with someone else, it's fine with her, as long as it's not a relationship type thing. I'm bisexual, so I've had the desire to sleep with a man, so that's what I did Monday night.

Tuesday, everything fell apart. My wife had a complete meltdown, she couldn't even go to work. She thought she could handle me sleeping with someone else, but come to find out she most definitely cannot.

Even today she is having trouble holding herself together at work. I feel horrible because I have hurt her so deeply. I told her it's never going to happen again, because having some fun isn't worth the torment it puts her through. I'm already depressed, and this is just adding fuel to the fire.

I don't know how to help her. She said she feels like she doesn't make me happy and that I'm going to leave her for a man. She's worried that she's not good enough for me, no matter how much I try to assure her she is. I just don't know how to help her move through this.

I'm so afraid that she isn't going to be able to get through this, and that I'm going to lose her over it. I just don't know what to do, and I can't stop thinking about it.

[Double Edge]

Originally Posted by OutlawedSpirit

So my wife, for years, has told me if I want to sleep with someone else, it's fine with her, as long as it's not a relationship type thing. I'm bisexual, so I've had the desire to sleep with a man, so that's what I did Monday night.

Tuesday, everything fell apart. My wife had a complete meltdown, she couldn't even go to work. She thought she could handle me sleeping with someone else, but come to find out she most definitely cannot.

Even today she is having trouble holding herself together at work. I feel horrible because I have hurt her so deeply. I told her it's never going to happen again, because having some fun isn't worth the torment it puts her through. I'm already depressed, and this is just adding fuel to the fire.

I don't know how to help her. She said she feels like she doesn't make me happy and that I'm going to leave her for a man. She's worried that she's not good enough for me, no matter how much I try to assure her she is. I just don't know how to help her move through this.

I'm so afraid that she isn't going to be able to get through this, and that I'm going to lose her over it. I just don't know what to do, and I can't stop thinking about it.

Wow, I'm really sorry to hear this is happening. It sucks that she said she was fine with it, but when it came down to it, turned out to be a different experience for her; and for you, expecting acceptance and receiving devastation instead. I don't have an open relationship, but I have told my husband that if he did end up sleeping with someone else, I would not necessarily be upset in principle (mainly because I question the logic of monogamy), but that I would never want to know. I just feel like the mental images would get me too upset, even though fundamentally I wouldn't have a problem with it. I think it's a possessive thing. It's weird.

Do you think maybe some kind of counseling together would help? It sounds like she's feeling insecure based on the comments she said to you about "not feeling good enough" or being "afraid you'd leave for a man," and etc. Usually insecurities like that go deeper than just the surface, so maybe there are other things on her mind that's contributing to her reaction to this? Maybe this event just brought everything up to the surface and that's what's making it especially difficult?

On the same note, I hope you try not to feel so horrible, because just objectively, she did agree to the open relationship to begin with, and you acted on what you believed to be a reasonable and mature agreement with your partner. What were you to expect? You were just going off her word. Maybe there's a dialogue there that could happen around the actual open relationship concept? Maybe her feelings have changed over time and she didn't communicate them? Maybe she didn't want it to begin with but was afraid not to go with it? Just throwing things out there, since obviously only you know all the details.

I wonder if this is gender-related? Like, if you had slept with another woman, would she be having the same reaction? One of my exes was bi, and honestly, I always felt sexually inadequate compared to a man, since obviously there are physical differences that can only be approximated. When I found out he was cheating on me with a guy, I was outraged, but I was also really hurt, feeling like I wasn't good enough. I eventually realized that those feelings of inadequacy ran so much deeper than just about the failed relationship... it was nearly every aspect of my life that was haunted by this feeling of inferiority. It was just the cheating incident that brought them all up in my face and forced me to deal with it.

I can just imagine a whole lot of reassurance is what's needed now, even if it feels like it's not getting through at first. She sounds very insecure about it, and probably needs to hear, feel, and see your commitment to her. Extra things around the house, going out of your way to get her favorite things, just finding ways to make things easier for her. I know that will be challenging since you mentioned you're depressed right now too, that doesn't make anything easier.

I really wish you two the best of luck! Keep reaching out here whenever you need.

[lilypup]

I just am too narrow minded to permit an open marriage. I can understand it in principle, but in actuality I would be very jealous. It would just throw my bipolar into overload.

[~Christina]

I think couples counseling would really be the smart way to go about healing this troubled time.

Maybe even your wife seeing a Therapist on her own to help her feel more secure in your relationship.

Im really sorry this happened to you both

[Trippin2.0]

I'm really sorry Outlawed, gentle hugs to you and Mrs OutlawedSpirit

I agree that couples counselling is needed to repair the relationship, and that a personal T for you wife is a good idea.

I hope you 2 can work through this swiftly and emerge stronger than before.

[pawn78]

Bummer. Marriage sucks.
(Sorry for the pessimism, but my wife just left me because, "we couldn't get along."

[Victoria'smom]

Is the other person someone you see/ talk to regularly? Is it a family friend?

[Tucson]

You need to listen for what is behind someone's statements. I do think there is a communications problem here. Good luck!

[OutlawedSpirit]

No it wasn't a family friend or anything. We actually have an appointment with a marriage counselor next week. There has always been somewhat of a communication gap because my wife doesn't know how to open up to me. She never has so we're hoping a marriage counselor can help with that.