[Love&Toil]

"I don't consider you a person with a disability." - dd. "You don't have bipolar." - MIL

At the risk of sounding arrogant, I am very high functioning. When I'm well or even super charged I can accomplish a lot, be responsible for a lot. I have a reputation for being composed and calm at work. I'm a good actress. I do get a lot done with good people skills.

But without meds there's a personal hell of depression and suicidal feelings which I always hid as much as possible because I was always taught to buck up and carry on. And agitated anger which my closest family would see only. Rage.

So why am I writing? Because sometimes I'm in denial. Bcuz sometimes I dont think the diagnosis quite fits. At times it certainly seems like I'm quite well. I guess I just have to remember the personal subjective hell I experience without meds and am so good at acting through.

Anybody else consider themselves high fxning or have others deny they have an illness bcuz of their fxning? Thanks for listening.

[kaliope]

I am very high functioning too...I went 30 years unmedicated. my greatest fear was being hospitalized. I was diagnosed a couple different times. I was in denial even though it was right there in black and white. I thought I could manage. seven years ago I had a breakdown and was hospitalized against my will. that was my bottom. after stabilizing on meds, I experienced a completely different life. I don't want the old one back.

[Love&Toil]

Thanks kaliope for sharing your experience.

[Rick7892]

A round-about answer... I am 66 years old and recently finally started meds for bipolar because I no longer could function very well, but my bipolar was evident decades ago.

On one hand, I might be classed as high functioning because I was able to keep a job and got a lot of volunteer work done that was very fulfilling and for which others were appreciative. But I was not high functioning in other areas of my life--like you I could be a good actor so others did not know that I was miserable much of the time. I isolated so others did not see. For many years, I also relied on alcohol to self-medicate my mania and also tried self help and therapists who helped some but not enough. Then alcohol didn't work for me, and a 12 Step program helped some. In short, my personal life and relationships were failures because I was not high functioning in my personal life!

I look back on my life now and wonder what my life would have been like if I had gotten help and meds earlier. With meds, I have become higher functioning at work than I have been in the past 5-10 years, and I regret that time loss in which I could have been more functional at work.

For me, self help and therapy were not enough. Meds by themselves are so far not the complete answer either, though my meds are still being adjusted. But meds make self help and therapy much more effective!

So "high functioning" can be an illusion and a trap because one may think one's self to be high enough functioning to not "need" help. Additionally, work may not be the best measure of "high functioning" because many of us can use work to mask or escape from dealing with our issues, which is what I have discovered through Workaholics Anonymous.

Good luck!

[Dovahkiin76]

I went unmedicated for about 12 years. During that time I was always as you said "high functioning" in society, hell everyone I dealt with thought I was a perfectly normal level headed guy. Unfortunately, my family and very close friends knew the real me, the fly into a rage then fall into a deep depression me. Once I got medicated, my rage and depression cycles leveled and my family could breath without me going seven levels of psycho. I totally understand your unmedicated feelings. I lost my job a few months back and there is absolutely no way to pay for my meds without good insurance so I have been off of them for quite awhile now and can say without a doubt that they are a necessity.

[sui generis]

Yes, in a way... When I'm depressed I'll try and hide it as I'm terribly afraid of being a nuisance to others. When I become really depressed though I stop being so high functioning and I'll stop going to class, stop going out etc but then when I see someone for help during that time they can't generally tell that something is majorly wrong even if I'm feeling very suicidal.

Same when I'm hypomanic, I'll try very hard to contain it which ends up with me feeling it so badly internally that my skin starts tingling and my eyesight gets funny (I see brightness in my peripherals, haha I think I mentioned this in that hypomanic thread that we both were posting in) and just feeling like I'm on drugs. Actually when I've been ridiculously high on stimulants or something like ecstasy it's the same, I can hide it quite well except my eyes look freaky lol.

Mostly people just think I'm either extremely tired or acting a bit crazy. Little do they know...

[Ms.Beeblebrox]

Hi everyone.

I am very high functioning and have always been so. I guess I am very lucky, since after my breakdown I managed to get my personal life back on track, find another job and continue my education.

At this point, 3 years after my manic episode, I am doing very well. So well in fact that I got off my lithium in June ( pdoc Ok'ed) and I just don't see any difference in my mood or daily functioning.

I am not sure if this means that I am really not that bipolar My mania was med induced, after all, and it never happened before. I only had two major depressive episodes in my life, 10 years apart, situationally triggered and pretty mild (not sui, not disabled, still functional).

All this, and reading other people's stories bring me to this question: Is the fact that the person is high functioning indicative of his relatively mild case of bipolar, or is just the result of the favorable life situation and effective treatment?

[catman1975]

I can be high functioning, though I often think the meds keep me down below that level. Before I was diagnosed in 2011, I spent 15 years driving all over the US and Canada as a truck driver. I rarely missed a day of work. My bosses mostly loved me and gave me assignments they wouldn't trust others with.

So my question is -- did I become bipolar in 2011, or was I always bipolar, and just stuck in a hypomanic state most of the time that allowed me to appear 'normal' (if there is such a thing.)

My doctor believes the bipolar disorder was either triggered or greatly worsened by the PTSD caused by the exceptionally professional treatment I received from CBP officials during an illegal search and seizure when returning from Canada. It was a few days after that I went super manic, went several days without sleep then passed out in my hotel room and woke up 5150 in a hospital in Southern California.

But I question if maybe I had it all the while, and the event just triggered my most manic episode ever. Maybe I was just a 'high functioning' bipolar patient the entire time?

Thoughts?

[Hobbit House]

I too am a truck driver. While I don't have 15 years at it. I'm no rookie either. I drove over the road for 3 1/2 years. and I'm still driving locally. I am a high functioning individual. To know me you wouldn't suspect the turmoil that accompanies me on a day to day basis. I just find myself totally disconnecting from everyone around me. It's my coping skill.

[pawn78]

Because sometimes I'm in denial. Bcuz sometimes I dont think the diagnosis quite fits. At times it certainly seems like I'm quite well. I guess I just have to remember the personal subjective hell I experience without meds and am so good at acting through.

I could have wrote this. I am also very high-functioning. I still go through brief moments of denial, but then I remember my EXTREME manic episode with psychotic features, and go, "Oh yeah, I'm bipolar."

[pawn78]

Originally Posted by catman1975

I can be high functioning, though I often think the meds keep me down below that level. Before I was diagnosed in 2011, I spent 15 years driving all over the US and Canada as a truck driver. I rarely missed a day of work. My bosses mostly loved me and gave me assignments they wouldn't trust others with.

So my question is -- did I become bipolar in 2011, or was I always bipolar, and just stuck in a hypomanic state most of the time that allowed me to appear 'normal' (if there is such a thing.)

My doctor believes the bipolar disorder was either triggered or greatly worsened by the PTSD caused by the exceptionally professional treatment I received from CBP officials during an illegal search and seizure when returning from Canada. It was a few days after that I went super manic, went several days without sleep then passed out in my hotel room and woke up 5150 in a hospital in Southern California.

But I question if maybe I had it all the while, and the event just triggered my most manic episode ever. Maybe I was just a 'high functioning' bipolar patient the entire time?

Thoughts?

same here. My mania was triggered by severe stress. I doubted I had a disorder, but I asked two Pdoc's about this and they boht answered, "well, only people with bipolar disorder go into extreme month-long manias when triggered. "Just because an episode was triggered by massive stress doesn't mean you don't have BP."

[Skitz13]

I'm very high functioning as well in terms of my illness. I have a lot of insight and awareness as to my cycles, episodes. I know my triggers and what I need to do to keep myself safe and as stable as I can be. I have a very good understanding of BP. I'm high functioning in most areas of my life as well but BP to me, is the most important.

Acceptance is very hard for me. I'm involved with a lot of alternative treatments, as well as meds a T and a pdoc.
There are times everything is working so well together that sure I question my diagnosis but then it rears it's ugly head and I get disappointed all over again.

[Love&Toil]

I don't have much time to respond right now but I wanted to say I've been reading along and am sending a huge THANK YOU to everyone who responded to this thread, so many thoughtful and interesting replies. I love it.