[Velouria]

My boyfriend and I have been together for four years, have been friends since elementary school (with some angry silences here and there enforced by me). It's a feat for me, really. Longest relationship I've ever been in.

He's getting kicked out of his apartment (not evicted, the family ythat owns the building needs the apt). He has to be out by November 1. We learned of this on Saturday. We've been talking about moving in, and saving towards it for a while, but needless to say I wasn't expecting this so soon. I was not mentally prepared.

This summer, I blew through 3/4 of my savings. I don't pay rent at home. I have no excuse, except for maybe the two weddings I was in, but still really, I have no excuse.

I don't feel ready. It's not because of the relationship, and I spend over half the week at his place anyway.

I had to move back in with my parents five years ago because I racked up credit card debt that totaled over 10 grand and I was quickly spiraling towards my alcoholic bottom, which I hit shortly after I moved back home. I feel safe there. What's more, my dad has Multiple Myeloma, and he might be getting a stem cell transplant soon, and I feel like I'm abandoning my parents. I feel horrible. And I know I'm going to be homesick. I feel like such a baby.

I've been going home and crying the past few nights over this, even dry heaving, and I'm just a giant ball of nerves all day. I can barely eat until I'm finally starving at the end of the day. I don't know why this is so hard for me. I'm 31. The first time I moved out in my 20s it was not this hard. At all. Not even close. Not even on the same level. I don't get it.

I know I should be excited to move in with my boyfriend, and it's not that I'm not, it's just that I'm terrified. This all smacked me like a ton of bricks. And I'm terrified of a lot of things, especially of ruining it for one reason or another, because I can be really, really good at that. I have to try not to be that way.

Why can't I just be excited like everyone else?

[hamster-bamster]

Since you are already staying at his place for half a week, he must be living closely enough. So you would not be moving to another state, and would still be able to visit your parents regularly and to help your dad get through life with his illness. Have you considered that it is not a major move?

I think the main problem is that you are trying to feel differently from what you feel, "like everyone else". If you stop trying and just feel your current feelings through and through, you might be surprised when you find relief and even, possibly, joy, but trying to tell yourself how to feel would only frustrate and possibly even shame you. What is th point in doing that?

[Velouria]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

Since you are already staying at his place for half a week, he must be living closely enough. So you would not be moving to another state, and would still be able to visit your parents regularly and to help your dad get through life with his illness. Have you considered that it is not a major move?

I think the main problem is that you are trying to feel differently from what you feel, "like everyone else". If you stop trying and just feel your current feelings through and through, you might be surprised when you find relief and even, possibly, joy, but trying to tell yourself how to feel would only frustrate and possibly even shame you. What is th point in doing that?

You're right, it's not a major move at all, which is why I feel ridiculous for feeling like this. I don't know what's wrong with me.

I think I'm actually surprised that everyone's excited. Kinda like, "Wait -- you actually think I can do this?"

[hamster-bamster]

Maybe you can shift your focus from "feeling ridiculous for feeling like this" to thinking through every little detail of the move. Once you are together, who will cook, shop, take out the garbage, etc.? Will you need to buy stuff for the apartment? Etc. They say the devil is in the details, but sometimes the angel is . Little things can absorb you and make you stop ruminating about the "bigness" of the move.

[Velouria]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

Maybe you can shift your focus from "feeling ridiculous for feeling like this" to thinking through every little detail of the move. Once you are together, who will cook, shop, take out the garbage, etc.? Will you need to buy stuff for the apartment? Etc. They say the devil is in the details, but sometimes the angel is . Little things can absorb you and make you stop ruminating about the "bigness" of the move.

Hmm . . . I could start searching for and filing away recipes that seem good. He doesn't cook. I do sometimes, but we order out a lot. I don't want to waste money on that when we move in (plus it's healthier).

We will need to buy some stuff. But because of the damage I did to my savings this summer, it will have to wait. I have to save as much as I possibly can now in order to split 1st month's rent, security, and the realtor's fee.

[hamster-bamster]

Right, you are in NYC... we do not have realtor's fees for rentals here.

It is OK that you do not have money now - if you plan to buy something in the future, put it in a spreadsheet (sharing with the bf if he'd like to be included), research prices online, compute budget, etc. It would help alleviate rumination and might even turn out to be practically helpful.

[Velouria]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

Right, you are in NYC... we do not have realtor's fees for rentals here.

It is OK that you do not have money now - if you plan to buy something in the future, put it in a spreadsheet (sharing with the bf if he'd like to be included), research prices online, compute budget, etc. It would help alleviate rumination and might even turn out to be practically helpful.

Yeah, just north of NYC -- still expensive. You have to pay to pay to live.

We will definitely have to come up with a budget once we move in, I think in the first week.

I told him about what I did this summer, and told him that he might have to take my debit card away from me when we're living together if it starts happening again. That's one of the things I'm afraid of, since I do go through periods where my spending just kind of explodes. I can't do that if I'm splitting rent with someone, but I'm afraid I won't be able to control myself since it tends to be compulsive.

[hamster-bamster]

Sometimes cash accounting works. The plastic does not drive the message "I am spending" home well enough, but greenbacks do.

[Velouria]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

Sometimes cash accounting works. The plastic does not drive the message "I am spending" home well enough, but greenbacks do.

Yes, exactly. It's such a different experience. The plastic always remains the same shape and size, but when cash is exchanged you see and feel values and weights change.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Velouria

Yes, exactly. It's such a different experience. The plastic always remains the same shape and size, but when cash is exchanged you see and feel values and weights change.

Absolutely! A lot of people on this board would nod in agreement .

[Velouria]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

Absolutely! A lot of people on this board would nod in agreement .

Thanks so much for your help, hamster-bamster!