[Heechee55]

Hi, I'm new here, I just didn't know what to do. I was just recently diagnosed and about 5 months now on meds. Less than a week ago, my depression got real bad. I overheard my wife talking on the phone with someone about how bad I have been, and that it's only going to get worse. That did it. I fell back to sleep and while later when I woke again there was one thought. "There is just one solution, kill myself." I took out what I would use to accomplish that and just sat there for a while. My wife came back home 10 to 15 minutes after I took it all out, and snapped out of it and put it all away. I got ready for work and went there to hide. My wife none the wiser at this point.

I hid out at work, talking to as few people as possible. Being afraid to tell my wife, I talked to a couple, got the same stuff I knew to do. I went home, tried to do the normal routine. Woke up the next day feeling a little better, I went back to work and hid again but tried to talk a little more to people.

I tried calling my psychiatrist, but he was out on medical leave. They scheduled me for the closest appointment they had with a different doc, which would be Tuesday. Still far away, but hope was in sight. I was afraid of being held if I went to a hospital. I didn't want to scare my wife. That day I talked to my father about everything. He was a great listener but didn't know what to say. But he felt at that point I didn't need to go there. I went home after work, wife and I got groceries, and things were looking good.

It was bugging me that I hadn't told my wife, so I told her, we'll bulletins at least. Her response was that she had been thinking that we should live separately. She was concerned about me being around the children. We have one daughter and twins on the way. Her response was that this wouldn't happen immediately, but in a year or two if I continued getting worse. This conversation sent me into a weird state. First really depressed, then I felt the urge to run. I waited for my wife to fall asleep, crying the whole time. Then I grabbed my laundry basket full of clean clothes, my backpack, shoes and some MMJ. I hadn't used it for a while, but just couldn't take the state of mind.

I went to leave at 2am, found my jeep needed coolant so the first leg in my "run" was back to work where I had some stashed. While there, I used the MMJ, first time in months, and calmed down. I then decided to go back home. I brought everything back in. When my wife stirred and asked where I was, I told her about the MMJ. I then went to bed. Woke late in the afternoon. My wife then told me she was scared of what I did, didn't know where I was. Was even afraid that I would come back and hurt them. I would never hurt them! She then kicked me out. I went to stay with my father.

I sought out a psychologist just asking if they take new patients. And have that appointment in less than a week. But yesterday my psychiatrist's office called, pushing my appointment back to November! I tried going to a BP support group last night at the local hospital, but no one on the hospital staff seemed to know what I was talking about. Their website was current.?!? I know I need my meds adjusted, just don't know what to do.

[Travelinglady]

Hello, Heechee55, and welcome! I can imagine that you would feel lost. We are here to be supportive, to offer advice, and to be available for friendships. Of course, we in this forum by and large are "pros" at bipolar. I have been dealing with it for 14 years, with the standard ups and downs.

Wow, your wife really pulled one on you, didn't she? Maybe things will work out once you are back on an even keel.

I know you don't want to, but if you go to the ER with reports of suicidal thoughts and an imminent possibility, then you will get attention, but it will likely include some hospital time. If you really get into a worse state before your appointment, then remember that is always an option. Okay?

[Victoria'smom]

You, and your wife need therapy both together and separately. Depending on your daughters age she needs a therapist. your wife needs to be able to trust you even when at your worst. sit down and make a crisis plan with her.

[Curious651]

Just want to say hi and welcome

[Heechee55]

Thank you everyone! I have appreciated the feed back. It has helped to let it all out to people who understand. While I have been waiting for propper care, I have found it helpful reading your post and the feedback you all give each other. I started to not feel alone.

I finally got an appointment with my primary care physician and it went well. I got some feedback about one of my meds that could have brought this on. I was told to taper it down and stop. I finally got an appointment coming up with a pdoc. I just kept calling the pdoc office back until I got someone's canceled apointment. I am anxious and don't want to be around people, but at least I'm not feeling completely overwhelmed anymore.

[Disorder7]

We're here. And usually we don't jump down each other's throats for having a bad day or making a bad decision. ( not saying you did any of those). We know it's what bipolar is all about.
We just listen and vent. And basically live hour to hour.
Welcome.