[wildflowerchild25]

Usually I know when an inpatient stay is coming because I get so desperate. I almost always sign myself in after suffering for weeks. But this time I didn't expect it at all. I was super depressed and getting desperate but I still didn't expect to go inpatient.

My pdoc told me that I had to go back to the IOP I was in over the summer because she couldn't treat the depression anymore. That made me feel so hopeless and down that the next day I was seriously considering suicide. I felt like I could actually do it too. So when I showed up at the intake I was a mess. I guess I overshared with the nurse practitioner because she ended up calling Mobile crisis on me to come get me. I really thought I could talk my way out of going inpatient but the nail in the coffin was when they called my pdoc and asked her. She said "she probably needs to be hospitalized". So that was it. They called the cops to come pick me up and take me to the crisis center. They put me in the hospital.

But this time I finally gave up and started ECT treatments again. Absolutely nothing else is helping. I've been hospitalized five times in the last year and a half. And I had ECT eight years ago and it was like a miracle treatment. I stayed mostly stable for six years. I'm just hoping it works that well again. I'll settle for getting out of this depression though.

I've had four treatments and I do feel better. Had to stay inpatient for twelve days though. I missed my son immensely. But I don't want to kill myself anymore. I have the next month for short term disability. So I don't have to worry about work for at least a month. I can just focus on getting through the rest of my treatments and doing the outpatient program.

So that's where I've been. I look forward to getting back to the boards.

[Angelique67]

It's good to hear you're doing better. I hope you'll stay well and be happy.

[Curious651]

I am glad to hear you are in better place. Welcome back!

[Justugh]

happy u are out ......sorry about the memory lose ...but it is a excuse to go out and make some more to replace what is gone

i like to ask a ? about your treatment ..............did they do any cat scans or mri on u before u went in and after u had it

u know can see what looked like before and after and figure out what is not firing and what is now ..............maybe when u get near the 5 year mark go in they do a scan see if old pattern is coming back hit yah with a jolt before it does

[~Christina]

I'm glad you went IP. I think it was the best thing and ECT seems like a good thing.

You have some time to relax and just become heathly..Im glad your safe

I'm happy u went ip. It's weird where I'm at u have to pull teeth to get hospitalized. But it might be that way bc I'm on Medicaid. I think if u have better insurance u get in easier.

Hope u heal up soon.

[Yoda]

[~Christina]

How are you feeling today ?

[wildflowerchild25]

I'm having trouble adjusting back to life in the outside. I really want to cut myself because I'm so embarrassed by going back IP and doing ECT. I know it's nothing to be ashamed of but I just can't stand it. This was my 18th hospitalization. How pathetic is that! I just want this nightmare to be over. But I'm only 27.

I don't know if the ECT will do the trick this time. How long, if any time at all, I will get away from this. I just want to be a functional adult. I don't know what I'm doing wrong.

Sigh....I just have to keep telling myself it will be worth it in the end, that this WILL work.

[~Christina]

You know somewhere in your brain that bipolar is lying and making you feel so bad about yourself.. Try as hard as you can to remember that.. What your doing takes courage, Your doing everything you can to feel better.

You have had a really rough horrible time lately, Your damn sure due an upswing to baseline.