[Harley326]

I was diagnosed as Bipolar I almost exactly a year ago. I went through a major episode where I was hospitalized 4 times in 3 months. I fought the doctors and all help that was offered because I didn't think there was anything wrong with me. The only reason I took the meds that were prescribed is because my grandmother brought them to me every night with a glass of OJ or strawberry milk. They weren't making me feel any different so I didn't have a problem taking them to make her feel better. My dad was diagnosed as bipolar when I was young and I knew taking the meds would keep everyone more or less off my back. It's the way it was with him. Even watching his episodes throughout my life didn't help when it came to my episode and diagnosis.

I'm Not Alright is a song by Shinedown. A lot of times I feel like it completely describes how I feel. "I like crossing the line and slowly losing my mind." I find that a lot of times I look up things that I know will either trigger feelings like the full blown mania I experienced during my episode (usually music) and sometimes I even look up things that I know will depress me and put me into a funk (pictures of loved ones who passed/depressing music/past relationships that my episode ruined). It's like I crave the feelings that I used to have. This doesn't make sense to me. I know how unstable I was and how much **** I put everyone through, so why do I want to relive everything - even the bad parts and delusions? Does anyone else ever feel like this or have you felt it before? Is it normal?

[Crazy Hitch]

It's normal to want to chase the high but we all know how destructive it can become.

I think that there are things in your past that you have not let go of just yet.

Learn to forgive yourself. We can't change what's done. Easier said than done I know. I also find music conjures up certain emotions and my taste in music even changes according to the episodes I'm in. Certain songs can remind me of when I was manic and visa versa but I don't actively seek the music to relive the memory.

Take care of yourself.