[Maimster123]

Anyone who can weigh in with advice would be greatly appreciated. November 3rd is my five year anniversary with my husband and while it’s a happy time, it’s also a very devastating time for me. When I met my current husband, I had just ended a long term relationship and moved into my own place. I was working 50 hour weeks at a new job and had just started attending classes for my bachelor’s degree. I was happy, I had no clue at this time that I’m BP, hypersexual and have adjustment disorder. I was making it on my own and was doing what I had set out to do. I’m very goal oriented.

Anyway, we weren’t being smart and by Thanksgiving I was pregnant. Literally on Thanksgiving day, as I was introducing my parents to my new boyfriend, I was telling them I was pregnant with his child. I was embarrassed of myself, and since then life has gone downhill. I was 29 when this happened and getting "knocked up" wasn't in the plans.

As a repercussion of our ignorance our relationship has always been on and off, with more arguing and drama than any relationship I’ve ever had. I resisted this relationship for four years without ending. I felt responsible to it due to our daughter and I felt trapped.

It’s always been hard and it seems like the further into the relationship we go the more we hurt each other. I put myself in the hospital in January due to the terrible, depressive, dark and hopeless hole that I felt stuck in. I was discharged BP but my therapist isn’t sure if I’m type 1 or 2. My husband has been at my side as my main support since then. He’s more patient with me and he understands my anger and how to help me keep my moods steady. He recognizes before I do when I’m not eating right or sleeping right.

Now that all of this has happened, my parents refuse to accept the DX of BP and refuse to accept that my husband is any good for me. My Mother doesn’t even feel that I should be on any medication. We don’t spend time with them as a family because they don’t want to be around him, instead I take my kids there to see them once in a while and on special occasions. My parents get upset that I don’t visit often, but I feel that they need to set aside their differences with my husband and show some support for my decision in making my marriage work out. My husband feels that any time I visit them they bad talk him (which they don’t) but because of it he won’t make any effort to make it better either because he's continuously excluded. I hate it.

I was raised to respect my elders, and I tolerate their decision on a temporary basis to give them time to come around, but I can’t seem to get across to any of them how badly it upsets me that they won’t speak to each other.
I’m slowly reaching the point that I don’t care if I’m offending any of them. I’m upset with my husband for not attempting to make it better and I’m upset with my parents for refusing to accept my marriage. I’m upset that they refuse to believe the BP diagnosis. (There’ve been instances since I was 14 that screamed BP but it went unnoticed and I don’t know how). How could they not have known that something was wrong?? I thought teenage depression was normal and I brushed off suicidal thoughts as me being a selfish person over reacting.

How do I get them to listen to me in regards to my diagnosis and to accept my marriage? I’m happy and he’s been my rock regardless of the bad times.
Torn

I'm sorry to hear you are having such difficulties with your family accepting your husband and your diagnosis. That must be hard. I was in similar circumstances with my former in-laws, tho in a different role -- the one your husband is playing, that of the spouse who is excluded.

My in-laws did not respect my diagnosis, either. I think it has a lot to do with people's general attitude to the field of psychology. My former father-in-law felt that psychiatrists always say something is wrong with anyone who goes to see them. They never say, "Presto! You're healthy!" True enough.

I didn't try to change their minds, tho. I felt it was my own business and it didn't bother me that they didn't support me. My own mom was more open-minded and tried to educate herself about bipolar by reading -- but again, i felt my bipolar was pretty personal and did not try to engage her about it.

What do you want your family to do for you in terms of supporting your bipolar?

[tipper1492]

I don't know, and certainly do not have a degree to say anything, but I'll just guess for now. I think you have too much on your plate. I think you need a psychiatrist or psychologist to talk to concerning everything. That's a start. Perhaps put your parents on the back burner because they may never change their minds about anything. My mom was bull headed and trying to change her mind just would not work. Some parents just can not believe there is anything wrong with their child, perhaps even if they have the same mental illness. Mental illness still carries a stigma. Much more 25 years ago. Your marriage needs outside guidance. Are you on medication, is it working, and do you stick with it. Good luck on it all.

[Victoria'smom]

How do I get them to listen to me in regards to my diagnosis and to accept my marriage?

My parents hate my husband. They only tolerate him because I'll refuse to come to gatherings without him. They say he's lazy, only with me because I get SSI, and treats our son bad. They feel HE caused my son's MH issues. I respect them and love them but I refuse to have my son around people that bad mouth someone he loves and is part of him. No one would put up with my craziness if the didn't care, he's an awesome dad but usually is testy around them because no matter what he's in the wrong. He doesn't dislike my parents but my parents motives for things are very hard to understand.

Forget them understanding and accepting your DX. They won't get it. No one wants to hear there child is dealing with a chronic illness that may or may not kill them. I've become very honest with my mother because I had to ask her a question that she found out I was on seroquel. My father and I (I'm a daddy's girl) have got into full on arguments as he doesn't believe in maintenance medication. It was ended when I said "Well meds keep your daughter and grandson alive." I wish I could take that back as soon as it came out of my mouth.

You have to do what works for you for me it's always been insisting that they have no choice but to put up with my crap. They are also the last to know if my husband and I are having issues.

[bluekoi]

"How do I get them to listen to me in regards to my diagnosis and to accept my marriage?"

Maimster123, You can not make your parents do anything. Maybe this also frustrates your husband, who loves you and stands by your side. Have you ever explained to your parents that you do not visit often because they make you and your husband uncomfortable? You are an adult now with your own family. Do your children enjoying seeing your parents? Are they picking-up on the tension? Is it a healthy environment for you to be in? Instead of offering advice, I have just given you more questions to think about.

[Maimster123]

My Mother feels the same way. If I'm going to a doctor they're going to tell me something is wrong. It's a diagnosis they handed out easily. She asks me consistently if I'm ever going to be done taking my medications and while I know that the meds make it easier for me to cope, I tried to go off them once and things didn't work out so well.

I hate taking the medication. It makes me tired and I just don't like the idea of it. It took a long time for me to accept that I have to be on medication in order to create a stable feeling and she doesn't get that asking me about the meds hits that inner struggle that I already constantly fight.
I feel horrible for my husband being in the position he is. Even that has it's limits though because he's in the same boat as they are. He's not making a move to make it any better. We don't really fight about the parents issue, it's just a problem that puts me in the middle and forces me to choose sides.
I feel that my mother refuses to accept the diagnosis because of the fact that it may be hereditary. She'll admit that her sister had BP, (and I suspect my mother is as well due to her depression and manic-like moments) but accepting mine would be acknowledging that she may also be bipolar.
I've invited my parents to a session with my therapist and they refuse. My husband and I currently attend marriage counseling sessions as well. While he would never tell me I shouldn't visit my parents, my parents will openly tell me they aren't ready to have him to their home and such. They'd prefer not. It really throws a kink in our usual family functions towards the holidays and I'm just ready for the issue to be resolved no matter what I have to do to get them to understand.
My parents feel that my husband is responsible for my breakdown in January. I was really stressed with work and I felt stuck there because my husband wasn't working. What happened was a manic depression that was the lowest I had ever been. I had an affair on my husband and was reaching out to all the wrong resources as my depression deepened. As my lies started to unravel and I started to see the pain that I caused everyone, I just sank. During this time, my husband suspected that something was wrong. He asked my parents for help and they thought he was being too controlling on me. Had they listened to him all the wrong resources would have been out of my reach. They really do enable me when I'm at my worst.
I've sat and explained it to them, at how I had the affair and created a bucket of hurtful fibs and it made my husband look like he was being overly concerned. I led this secret life for 4 years...
No one ever talks about the steps after the heartfelt apologies. How do I fix this?

[Victoria'smom]

Fixing things are so much harder then screwing them up. You have to tell her that you do not want your meds brought up. That she raised you and now she has to trust that she did well. I take it your parents live close enough to come to dinner once in a while? I'd ask them to dinner 2x a month at your home. Giving both your husband and you an edge so he doesn't feel as uncomfortable. If they say that they'd rather you come to there house for dinner remind them that your bringing your husband.