[kmptrgeek]

Well...I guess today is the day I slip back down the mountain I've been on for the last 3+ weeks. This morning I'm on the edge of the woods, knowing there's a monster in there, and hoping I can stay out of the woods. Those of you who know...know what I'm talking about. Yesterday I was feeling so good, but by the afternoon I had began falling. I went to sleep at 6:30 and didn't wake up until 7:00am. My daughter was late for school and nothing is working this morning. I want to be at home. This is the part I really really don't like. I feel like it's not fair to go from feeling good, confident, productive, intelligent, good looking (ha) and enough energy to do whatever I want to do......to feeling like this. Not fair. This is what I've considered "normal" for over 30 years. I don't want to feel like this, now that I know what it is. I'm slipping into the pit and can't get a foothold. I'm too tired to even cry. I've closed my office door and I'm just praying nobody needs anything from me.

Although, I've learned I am a rapid cycler...so maybe this afternoon will be better. God please let it be better.

[Darvula]

Hang in there. I'm also a rapid cycler. It can be a bit of a roller coaster/ train wreck.

[kaliope]

I put up with it for over thirty years too. it took almost three years to find the right meds, but I don't cycle anymore. I refused to settle for "close enough" which is what makes the drs happy. I pushed and pushed and pushed until they fixed me.

[kmptrgeek]

Originally Posted by kaliope

I put up with it for over thirty years too. it took almost three years to find the right meds, but I don't cycle anymore. I refused to settle for "close enough" which is what makes the drs happy. I pushed and pushed and pushed until they fixed me.

I was inpatient for three weeks (got out on Dec. 26th) of 2012. When I was in I was given over 10 different meds, and since then my meds have changed several times. I think I've been on close to 15 different medications. My current psych is awesome and has gotten me leveled out for long periods. But then I started rapid cycling again a couple of months ago. He's been working really hard to stabilize me again, but I've been at the extremes of the chart more than I ever was before. I was usually very depressed and had hypomanic episodes maybe once or twice a year. I thought I had never had a manic episode until I was in the hospital and pumped full of more meds than anyone else in the hospital. But my sessions with my therapist have helped me to realize I have hit full on manic episodes before. We think I was manic pretty much the whole time I was in BT in the Army. I shot up the chain and went from E1 to E4 (holding an E6 slot) in less than a year. There were also large purchases that I couldn't afford, etc. So...I went from Major Depressive Disorder to Bipolar once the manic episode was discovered during and after I got out of the hospital. This time I had an affair, which is on the top of my list of horrible things to do. I was the last person anybody thought would do that...and I lost all of my friends. Every one of them...except my best friend. My wife. I still can't understand why she fought so hard to get me back and out of the crazytown I was living in.

Anyway, the rapid cycling has been there for years as well apparently. My nickname in high school was "DL" (for D. L. Moody). I was know as the guy who would switch moods in mid-sentence.

Well...I think I've had enough of work today. I'm shutting down and heading home. I may just take a sick day tomorrow as well. Wow...this really sucks.

It's nice knowing there are others out there that can understand what I'm saying.

[Victoria'smom]

I'm sorry you slipped. Please call your dr/med line to see what they want you to do before the depression gets out of hand.

[ozzy1313]

yup- it sucks

I can relate

[Crazy Hitch]

I'm sorry you're going through this phase.

It's so challenging to remain at work through episodes.

Here's hoping you find the right meds to make you feel better. Although you may have already been trying different phases.

I guess the only solitude is that your current phase won't last forever.

Be well.

[kmptrgeek]

Thanks everyone. I think I will call my doctor and let him know. I doubt he will tweak my meds right now, but he does a real good job at helping me stabilize.

[JennyBunnie]

Originally Posted by kmptrgeek

Well...I guess today is the day I slip back down the mountain I've been on for the last 3+ weeks. This morning I'm on the edge of the woods, knowing there's a monster in there, and hoping I can stay out of the woods. Those of you who know...know what I'm talking about. Yesterday I was feeling so good, but by the afternoon I had began falling. I went to sleep at 6:30 and didn't wake up until 7:00am. My daughter was late for school and nothing is working this morning. I want to be at home. This is the part I really really don't like. I feel like it's not fair to go from feeling good, confident, productive, intelligent, good looking (ha) and enough energy to do whatever I want to do......to feeling like this. Not fair. This is what I've considered "normal" for over 30 years. I don't want to feel like this, now that I know what it is. I'm slipping into the pit and can't get a foothold. I'm too tired to even cry. I've closed my office door and I'm just praying nobody needs anything from me.

Although, I've learned I am a rapid cycler...so maybe this afternoon will be better. God please let it be better.

I know this all to well... So well that your description was giving me the chills. I, to am a rapid cycler. I can be in a hypomania and within an hour be major depressive. (like I am now). I HATE that this is me. I also find it incredibly unfair, Like today for an instance, I told myself it was going to be a good day... Lunch with a friend, Went to the gym and felt like I was queen of the world, took a shower and was going to go back out, but dun, dun, dun that suddenly felt impossible and haven't left my room since. I can't live like this. However, there is hope for us. Thanks for sharing. Relating gave me comfort.

[kmptrgeek]

Exactly! It is so great to see others dealing with the same stuff. Sometimes I have no triggers, and sometimes I can pick them out. The other day, right in the middle of a hypo day, within 5 minutes of leaving the mall I just broke down shuddering and weeping. My wife finally made me pull over so she could drive. She kept asking what was wrong and I couldn't tell her. It just came out of nowhere. I went from a 7 to a 2 in 5 minutes! And after about 20 minutes it was over and I was back riding the high.

I hope one day they can pinpoint the right genome that causes this crap and we can all get a little breather.

[Greenfins7]

I can totally relate, KMTRGEEK. I do that, too, even when I think I'm happy! I have NO IDEA what my emotions are. I hope you're feeling better today. Remember, the good times would be transparent and you would never notice them were it not for the bad times that remind you of better days. Cheers!

[JennyBunnie]

Originally Posted by kmptrgeek

Exactly! It is so great to see others dealing with the same stuff. Sometimes I have no triggers, and sometimes I can pick them out. The other day, right in the middle of a hypo day, within 5 minutes of leaving the mall I just broke down shuddering and weeping. My wife finally made me pull over so she could drive. She kept asking what was wrong and I couldn't tell her. It just came out of nowhere. I went from a 7 to a 2 in 5 minutes! And after about 20 minutes it was over and I was back riding the high.

I hope one day they can pinpoint the right genome that causes this crap and we can all get a little breather.

Yep!! That's it. I did the same this morning driving. Feeling wonderful and then bamm.. I wanted to stop everything I was about to do and go home and hide under the covers. I fought it and was happy I did. Maybe, driving alone is a trigger in itself for me.. I'm not good left in my own head. It sounds like you have a supportive wife! That's awesome. My boyfriend just doesn't get it. He just says, "I'll go let you be crazy and we will reconvene when your happy again". Hence, what led me here..