Does this sound like bipolar to you? Can you relate to the behaviours/reactions?

Hi everyone,

i find it very hard to talk about this.I normally don't talk about the actual specific experiences. i will just say I had mania or mixed mania instead, but not specifics. I have suspicions that I have bipolar. To be honest, the suspicions are rather strong.I don't need a diagnosis.I am on typical bipolar meds anyway.My past at the moment is one shocking blur which makes no sense.If I have bipolar,I must admit that a huge part of what kept me stuck for years suddenly makes sense although I have a resistance to that conclusion for some reason...not sure why.Maybe it's because then i will not be able to blame myself at all, and I don't want to feel the entire situation has been one giant injustice.I don't know.I mentioned it to my mother and she firmly told me she doesn't think I have bipolar.I don't know how she would know. I feel like you guys might understand.

I was in, I guess you'd call it an abuse situation with my father with my mother contributing. I got stuck there for many years until I was nearly 26. I wanted to leave my dad, but I kept being told I needed medication for my depression by my mother- maybe I did, but I needed to leave there first! One time, she even got the meds from the doctor behind my back, and then told me I needed them because I was having some bad memories of child abuse. The medications set off reactions in me that to this day turn my blood cold. I took ssris from the age of 18-25.I was blamed for the reactions and punished for them- my mother punished me by making me live with my abusive father when she had a room I could live in. Prior to taking the tablets I had a job and place at uni, but all that got ruined by the medications and I never worked again in 8 years. Bear in mind I was a straight A student prior to this and I got on well with my mother and siblings. She kicked me out to a violent situation with my dad after one night of a manic episode, after i had just given her £600 to start her new life, but she stayed with my dad for 28 years

This is some of what the reactions entailed.From what I've read on this forum, I would say the intensity of the mania was severe.Definately it was severe enough that basic funstioning became impossible. Some of it makes me ashamed,but I have to be honest to get helpful answers:

prozac-urge to drink, started doing things like take lifts home with men I didn't know.Promiscuous sex.Increasd body confidence- I went naked spray tanning, I worked as an 'escort girl' briefly (that rings big alarm bells), propositioning random men for sex, general disinhibited style, no anger or mixed episodes though

sertraline,citalopram, 5 htp and st johns wort all caused mixed episodes as well as straightforward mania. I felt energised at first.I was doing stuff like moved into several different places.started taking drugs (not generally my thing,) ) then it would become a mixed episode- an intense agitation built up inside, it was like bursts of intense energy, I would kick my legs in literal discomfort, I would break things (no prior history of doing that,) I would hurt myself (self injury is generally not an issue) I would say mad stuff. It was like I was possessed.It was like a switch hd been hit. Coming off this stuff would also make me manic- when I stopped citalopram cold turkey because I had just had a mixed manic episode, I started joining sex sites and stuff like that- basically i came off it and went into straightforward mania.

In the end, citalopram and sertraiine seemed to have a good effect on me in that they lifted my mood. Ultimately, I was definately less depressed on them, but they weren't 'grounding' and the agitation would still pop up.If I missed a couple of doses, it would be explosive. Inositol seemed to have a good reaction from me in terms of lifting ocd, but then I switched on that too and would have outbursts of anger.

Roboxetine was crazy.I had a response within a day and clawed at my body and tried to get out my own skin.I shouted random insults at neighbours, pulled my hair out and smashed my head repeatedly n the ground.

This isn't how I was before by the way.i never had this agitation.I never lost my temper. I started taking the medication since I was 18 and took it because I kept being told I needed it and that the behaviour was my fault and that if i wanted a life I had to behave better.I had a job, friends, good prospects before this, and I stayed in a room for years with no one talking to me because they had decided I was a bad person.

I wasn't allowed an ambulance and no one ever called a doctor.I was allowed no one to visit me.No one was allowed in the house. It was decided that I had a character issue, and so no one was nice to me when university didn't work out- i really wanted to go and had great grades, but had this manic reaction at uni and rashly quit during this odd manic episode I guess. i was just called a failiure.

i was called an animal and when I kept saying I was depressed living with my father, but no one helped me leave him, and I just kept being told to take these ssri based meds which caused these reactions. I would go manic when i went on them, and also manic when I came off them, then I would have withdrawal, and at the same time I had to deal with performing my father's ocd rituals and not being able to cook and stuff.

I don't know myself at all because I took these tablets since I was 18. This all went on for 7 years because i kept being blamed for it so i thought I needed to 'try harder' next time.Plus i had no money to move out, and my mother would always tell me I needed medication when I was especially vulnerable. Each time I came off them cold turkey, the worse my depression got and the longer I stayed with my dad, the worse my depression got.

My psych has said that I experienced ssri induced mania. the only thing I remember from before I turned 18 was having times where I needed no sleep and felt 'floaty' and buzzed.I would think of it as 'glowing on the inside'.

Also, caffeine makes me high, and can make me go 'manic' and spaced out, but not to the extent of the meds, although if I drink a few cups of coffee in one go, speech becomes very pressured and I dissociate heavily.

What do you make of this? My mother seems certain it's not bipolar, but look where listening to her got me and I feel like maybe that's because she wants to see me as a bad person. i am not currently talking to her.

I have been prescribed quetiapine

xx xx (sorry for the length....I always write longer posts than I mean to!!)

Peacelily, I really like your name. Thank you for sharing your story. It seems you have been through a lot. I think many of us have been.

What I really want to know is how you are doing right now? Are you okay and feeling pretty good or do you think it is time for your psychiatrist to fine tune your meds.

I have some horrible tales to tell also but I am less and less talking about the past and more staying here in this moment because the past seems to trigger the emotions of the past.

If you want to explore what symptoms might mean here are some quizzes you could try that might give you some assurance of what you may be experiencing
Psychological Tests and Quizzes

Please feel free to contact a Community Liason if you need more help by private message.

I dont feel good,but it is better than before. i am a bit more stable now that I have started taking the seroquel properly. I dont have an actual diagnosis.

i think I would feel better...or at least freer if I could have some context within which to understand what had happened more.At least then it would make some kind of sense.Otherwise I feel like a freak for having those behaviours/reactions.

I dont know what a community liason is btw.

xx

PeaceLily, community liasons are people that help other people. They are volunteers. If you are having trouble locating, just look at the title under member under my name. You can go to new member forum and post for a liason to private message you or PM me and I will be glad to respond. Getting to a stable place is an art form. Some days are harder than others.

I'm no doctor, but I'd swear that a lot of your issues are PTSD-related instead of, or in addition to bipolar. You have lived through a horrendously abusive situation which would drive almost anyone over the wall. I'm amazed at your strength and courage.

Maybe I'm being dumb but what situation are you referring to?

xx

I was talking about what you went through when you were younger, with your parents playing mind-games and being verbally abusive to you. That is what you described.....am I wrong in my interpretation?