[Becoming]

Hey all,

Sometimes I get happy and sad at the same time. It's been happening a lot more frequently lately. Or where I have thoughts that race all over the place...fly in and out..."yeah, I'm okay, no I'm not, yes I am, I'm happy, I actually want to die." Or "my friends care about me, no they don't, they love me, no they think you're a burden." A couple nights ago I wrote a suicide note (never planned on actually following through) that was all about how I knew people loved me and life wasn't horrible but I couldn't deal with my illness anymore so I had to leave earth and go somewhere better. (How much sense does that even make? Knowing there is stuff to live for and people who care, but still wanting to die?!)

And it's coupled with anxiety as well which is like "oh no, don't think about that! If you think about that you'll want to die. If you don't get better soon, you're going to die! But I don't want to. But I do."

I think I might have a bit of like delusion going on to like "Oh, I'll just call/text my girlfriend" or "I'll tell my girlfriend about this" until I realize I haven't actually had one in like three months. Or sometimes I get really excited thinking like "Oh, there's something fun happening tonight" and then realize there isn't actually anything going on.

I feel like I'm going insane because I have no real control over my thoughts. Even when thoughts I don't like come up, I find myself panicing for a coping mechanism and pretty much repeatedly chanting and yelling it at myself very quickly in my brain. Example: "No, I'm not ganna think about that" or "These thoughts are bad" or "Calm down, rachael, calm down! Calm down!" But I don't tell myself only once when I finally find the coping mechanism, I tell myself about a thousand times and it's not in a nice voice...more of an annoyed and panicked one.

I just got dizzy writing all of that too. =/

How can I deal with this? The fact this is happening makes me even more anxious. About 4 years ago, I think I had this feeling for like 7 months without knowing it...then I got hospitalized and they diagnosed me with Bipolar and put me on meds. I'm really trying to avoid something like that happening again.

I have spoken with my mom. She says I should just see a therapist or psychiatrist. But sometimes I think I need inpatient or something. I do feel like a danger to myself sometimes and that I could be a verbal danger to my friends (if I exploded on them or said something stupid/irrational to them). But I have too much going on and it's the holidays and I only feel that bad (like right now) sometimes and not all the time.

Can anyone help? How can I deal with this so it doesn't end badly?

Thanks,
Rachael

[jacky8807]

Maybe a mixed episode? I would contact pdoc
If u are on meds thy dont seem to be working properly

[Victoria'smom]

The loveliness of racing thoughts. Are you able to see a therapist? Have you had a blood work up?

Hello Rachael_S: My opinion would be that your mom is correct. You really need to get with a therapist & / or pdoc in order to figure out what this is all about & what needs to be done to address it. As far as the question of inpatient care goes, if you get in to see a T or pdoc they can assess your appropriateness for inpatient treatment. Or, in the alternative, you could go to the emergency department of an area hospital if you feel you're in imminent danger of harming yourself or someone else.

As far as what you could do now to help yourself, my signature statement below describes my perspective. Rather than trying to force myself not to think about something, or trying to stuff it back down, I let the thoughts come forth. I conceptually breathe into them & accept them with compassion & lovingkindness. Then I allow them to drift away when they are ready.

I like to think of difficult thoughts as ugly little trolls. They may not be pretty to look at. But they cannot harm me. They can only trick me into harming myself, if I allow them to. Learning to "hold one's seat", or maintain equanimity in the face of emotionally charged thoughts is a challenge & a great skill to cultivate. It arises from the Buddhist tradition.

[sidney1771]

Inpatient isn't where I would go. I'd suggest a therapist so you can work with someone on a more long-term plan/strategy. This way you can try coping skills out, refine them, and adjust when needed.

I find that my mind races so much sometimes and there is so much internal dialogue going on, that by the time I see friends or my doctors, to me 2-3 weeks have gone by and I've moved on to other things. In reality only 5-7 days have passed and I end up omitting key elements my docs want to know and then I get ticked when they don't know something, because in my mind I have told them but I only thought I did. Really sucks. I've had to write down the critical things to keep track of them.

Anyway...check out a therapist. Inpatient is good if you are a danger to yourself or out of control. It really isn't designed to be a bootcamp for therapy.

[Becoming]

Originally Posted by jacky8807

Maybe a mixed episode? I would contact pdoc
If u are on meds thy dont seem to be working properly

Could be. I called some psychiatrists today and waiting to hear back. I had tried to see one at home a while ago, but he wouldn't take me without being in Therapy at home at the same time. I'm home for a winter break from college so getting someone to see me short term (and on breaks from college) is tricky.

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

The loveliness of racing thoughts. Are you able to see a therapist? Have you had a blood work up?

I see a therapist at my college. I'm trying to find one at home to see. I had blood work done by my primary care doctor a couple months ago.

Originally Posted by The Skeezyks

Hello Rachael_S: My opinion would be that your mom is correct. You really need to get with a therapist & / or pdoc in order to figure out what this is all about & what needs to be done to address it. As far as the question of inpatient care goes, if you get in to see a T or pdoc they can assess your appropriateness for inpatient treatment. Or, in the alternative, you could go to the emergency department of an area hospital if you feel you're in imminent danger of harming yourself or someone else.

As far as what you could do now to help yourself, my signature statement below describes my perspective. Rather than trying to force myself not to think about something, or trying to stuff it back down, I let the thoughts come forth. I conceptually breathe into them & accept them with compassion & lovingkindness. Then I allow them to drift away when they are ready.

I like to think of difficult thoughts as ugly little trolls. They may not be pretty to look at. But they cannot harm me. They can only trick me into harming myself, if I allow them to. Learning to "hold one's seat", or maintain equanimity in the face of emotionally charged thoughts is a challenge & a great skill to cultivate. It arises from the Buddhist tradition.

Yeah, I need some coping skills. I think meds for anxiety as well probably. Currently on Lamictal 200mg to address the bipolar, but it doesn't always work.

I agree with just letting them happen in a sense. I don't tend to 100% though because they can spiral pretty badly. I sometimes say to myself "I acknowledge the thought and am moving past it" and it lightens the difficulty a bit for sure.

I like the troll metaphor as well. I'll keep it in mind if I find myself in a depressive episode.

Originally Posted by sidney1771

Inpatient isn't where I would go. I'd suggest a therapist so you can work with someone on a more long-term plan/strategy. This way you can try coping skills out, refine them, and adjust when needed.

I find that my mind races so much sometimes and there is so much internal dialogue going on, that by the time I see friends or my doctors, to me 2-3 weeks have gone by and I've moved on to other things. In reality only 5-7 days have passed and I end up omitting key elements my docs want to know and then I get ticked when they don't know something, because in my mind I have told them but I only thought I did. Really sucks. I've had to write down the critical things to keep track of them.

Anyway...check out a therapist. Inpatient is good if you are a danger to yourself or out of control. It really isn't designed to be a bootcamp for therapy.

Yeah. Maybe a plan is what I need. I've seen therapists for a long time, but they don't always seem to be very helpful. Maybe it's the wrong type of therapy for me. A plan with goals could be good to have. CBT in particular.

I understand that about not telling people things. I quite often ask people I know if I told them something when I'm pretty certain I did. For me, I'm not sure if that is totally bipolar related though. I do write a lot though. That seems to be the one place where I can sometimes slow my thoughts down or at least make the ones I want to listen to louder.