Help with Obsessive Negative Thinking/Not Letting Go

Hello everyone,

My name is Rachael and I am new here. I've been living with diagnosed Bipolar Depression for nearly 4 years (though I am pretty sure it existed at least 2 or 3 years before that diagnosis). I've never really been good at handling my emotions and I guess bipolar is why, yet I don't think it's impossible to manage because I've certainly had some good times where I have felt pretty normal (rational and could control negative thinking or actions).

What brings me here is that I've been going through a very Bipolar/Depressive state for the majority of the past three months. This week, since Sunday, has been the absolute worst of it. I'm actual getting migraines from obsessive thinking and scaring myself with suicidal ideation that is much harder to shake off than it has been in perhaps years. I would I suppose call this a very bad relapse.

I suppose I ought to provide a bit of backstory for this to make sense. I've really struggled with mental health since I was 13 or 14. There's still a lot from my past I cannot let go if I think about it. Around 14 or 15, I got into a very bad emotionally and verbally abusive relationship. It lasted until I was 16. I haven't let go of everything that happened and I've just recently turned 21. It gave me a whole lot of trust issues and the feeling that I had to respond to everyone right away and they had to respond to me right away or they/I would be upset or angry. Also I think some self-confidence issues where for a long time I just believed I wasn't worthy of love.

So, this summer, I completed a summer internship. I met a girl in the area who would become my first girlfriend in over four years. I'd never let anyone in before that because I didn't feel safe or that I could trust them at all...especially with my heart. She was sweet, nice, funny, etc. She would say she missed me and want to spend a lot of time with me. Before we even got together, I'd get sweet messages from her saying "good night" or "good morning" or "I miss you." So, eventually, I let her in. But all this nice stuff perhaps lured me in. I had only known her for about a month and a half...and closely for only like 3 or 4 weeks of that I'd say.

She and I weren't together that long. Only about a month and a half. After a few weeks, I could tell she was no longer as invested in the relationship. Part of that may have been because I had to move back to college (which was only 30 minutes drive away so we did still see each other once or twice a week). During our relationship, I was bothered by a whole lot. I didn't recognize it at the time, but I think a lot had to do with my self confidence and bipolar. I know it wasn't cool she'd ignore me for whole days sometimes or that sometimes she wouldn't say that she missed me back, or wish me a goodnight or morning. We were good together, but not apart. But instead of responsibly ending a relationship I was unhappy with, I kept trying to change her...hoping she'd return to the girl that I thought I knew. She never did. But I would very frequently express my emotions to her and often either receive no response, be made to feel guilty, or be told I was overreacting. Perhaps in some situations I did overreact, but I don't believe she or I knew it was because of my bipolar depression (she knew I had bipolar but I never explained the symptoms to her; I thought she would think I was crazy and not want to be with me).

Anyway, it's about three months after the break up and I'm still not over it. Yes, I know it was a bad relationship and part of it was because of me. But I get these "what if I did/said that instead?" Like...what if I did explain my illness to her? Could that have changed things? Maybe made her more understanding of my sometimes uncontrollable irrational behavior? I spent the last three months (apart from this week and I'll get to why soon) hoping we could be friends or talk now and then...unable to accept that she was really gone out of my life. I'd reach out to her every couple of weeks...sometimes getting a quick few word answer and sometimes getting nothing. When I got nothing, I'd reach out again accusing her of hating me and trying to get her to talk to me. This communication all happened over Facebook so I was all over the place with blocking her, unblocking her, deactivating Facebook, reactivating Facebook, etc. It seemed just as I'd accept "okay, this hurts, but she doesn't want to talk to me", she'd end up responding to a message from two or more weeks ago giving me this sort of false hope that she would be in my life in someway.

Sunday night was one of those times. She wrote me a message apologizing for the way she acted in the relationship but then went on to say that she did not have a lot of time for people and that I could add her on Facebook if I wanted to know about her life. Eventually it got nasty and she finally said what I already knew: "you are right. I do have time for some people and you are not one of those people." At first I said "I don't have time for people who don't have time for me." But a few days later I went ballistic and sent her a whole lot of nasty messages about everything she did wrong in the relationship and how selfish I thought she was and how I felt like she used me and should have just broken up with me when she lost interest. I told her I liked/loved who I thought she was but hated who I found her out to be. Etc. etc. Of course, rightfully so, her response wasn't nice and I now know way more than I ever wanted to know.

She told me I need professional help (yes, I do, but there was no need for her to make me feel bad about it...this illness is a real thing I live with). She claimed she did try in the relationship but that she was never really looking for one when we got together. She said I stressed her out all the time in the realtionship and that it was such a relief after she broke up with me and how much happier she was. She said she tried to explain so many things to me during the relationship (like her obsession with her dogs, best friend, and friends...paying no mind to me usually). And she called me selfish for telling her everything on my mind and said that I was messing up her new relationship because she's been emotionally unavailable to that girl. She also said that she was really happy with the new girl who spent thanksgiving with her and how happy that made her. Basically, she was really ****** and nasty. So I'm living with all these things swimming around in my brain and no way to respond to her because she blocked me. So she's really gone and she's got someone a hell of a lot better than I could ever be to anyone if I cannot manage my bipolar. I can't get past how she stayed with me if she wasn't very invested and how she was able to just go ahead and get into another relationship at least two months after we broke up (though for them to be spending Thanksgiving together it must have been sooner than that).

All these obsessive thoughts...replaying everything she said...have made me unable to function. I've got 5 days until I leave for home from college (finals start in three days) and I can't study, don't want to eat, always want to sleep, get migraines, and feel like a burden to everyone because I'm so negative. My self-confidence has plummeted...I don't feel fun or like anyone at all could enjoy spending time with me. I even think my own mother must be annoyed/frustrated with me because I keep calling/texting her asking to talk or saying how miserable I am. I've been very suicidal and desperate for any kind of help or relief from these thoughts. I know thinking them changes nothing and that what happened happened, but I still can't shake them and I'm going insane. There are no new thoughts. It's the same over and over again. And occasionally a panic within me that goes "I control my thoughts. My thoughts do not control me" over and over again for a very short while until all the obsessive thoughts take over again. I'm living not only with obsession, but with a whole lot of anger, sadness, and guilt.

I wrote this not only to vent/seek support, but also to ask if anyone has any ways of dealing with this sort of thinking. I feel worse than I have felt in years to the point where I actually feel crazy and worthless and like I'll never amount to anything or contribute anything positive into the world. I really scare myself sometimes and I get so tired of living like this. I feel pretty freaking hopeless.

Thanks everyone and if you read the whole post (I know it is long), thank you even more for that.

-Rachael

hi rachael
i know it is difficult to stop obsessive thoughts. i just dont go there. i let them float thru my mind like they went in the front door and let them go out the back door and i just see them pass through with no more acknowledgment than saying "thats it, pass on through". when it comes to relationship drama, it is not worth it, all these back and forth games arent worth it, im worth more. i just dont participate. its over, move on. quit dragging it out. welcome to psych central. you will find we have several forums where you can post about your concerns and receive feedback from other members. you will get a lot of support here. again, welcome

distraction

does not matter what kind it is just distraction
go out and people watch in the park
go to a art show of something u like
go to a bar and watch the drunks
go dancing
go build make something (arts and crafts)
if u can not decide number a list 1 to 6 write down 6 things u like to do and roll a dice leave it up to chance random universe given u feed back what to do

Hi Rachel,
I am new here too. I have been seeing a social worker and a medication manager. I am recently back on medications (Tranzodone, Hydroxyzine, Lamotrigine). With my social worker (who has nothing to do with my medications) we've been working on Limited Thinking Patterns. There are 8 including: Filtering, Polarized Thinking, Over-Generalization, Mind-Reading, Catastophizing, Magnifying, Personalization, and Shoulds. Part of the exercises is realizing which pattern I am using and thinking of an alternative thought with ratings of when the first thought came into my head then after the alternative thought. The alternative thought doesnt come right away by any means but when I look at that paper and see my thought, feeling, limited thinking pattern, then think it over and come up with an alternative thought it takes off the pressure a little bit. I know I feel stuck for the moment when the negative or limited thought is happening but the strategy is first to calm down, take a breather (my typical issue either with anxiety or anger) then think about the thoughts and how they made me feel (sounds very shrinky eh?). But believe it or not it has actually improved those moments. Hopefully you'll get some assistance from this.

And on a personal note: Like most people using this site, we all have our ups and downs, we've all felt worthless and wonder why we wake up each morning. Part of the issue is others, not being able to talk openly with them or not talking at all. And sometimes it feels like no one is listening (I am currently going thru this myself and I let it get to the point I was pulling out my own hair) but people are listening, it might not be the way you want them too but no one can tell you what choices you need to make for yourself (I wish we had those little shoulder people telling us so) and sometimes making those choices are the hardest and cause a HUGE amount of anxiety. I personally deleted my Facebook and made a new one with under 20 people because it was adding to my anxiety and paranoia.

You might not feel like you have control, I know I feel it constantly, but you are the only one with the control, you are the one who determines how your day is going to be, even if you wake up and you peel yourself off your sheets, do something out of routine and make yourself happy. Mental health is a priority too. You are worth this effort you are putting in. And things will improve, you are going thru a rocky point in your life, not a horrible life.

Good Luck with your studies! And please keep your head up and remember how important you really are.

I will try that "pass on through." A while ago (could have been a couple months or so at this point) I would use "I acknowledge the thought and I am moving past it." It was sort of automatic at a certain point, but those sort of healthy automatic thought controlling thoughts slipped away and haven't really come back. So I'll need to work at it again I suppose.

And yeah, I agree. I don't like dragging it out. If I have another break up in life (and it may happen), then hopefully I will be able to deal with it better next time.

And thanks for welcoming me. =)

That is a good idea. I just made a list and got a dice rolling application for my iPhone. I'll be sure to try it! Thank you.

Thank you for the thinking patterns. I will look into those. They do sound really helpful.

As far as decisions, I understand that. For a while I did not and always had to ask people what I should do. Now I have to get better at making decisions on my own. For example, in the relationship when things went wrong I would always ask others what I should do. So really they were not fully my decisions, but advice I had taken from others.

With Facebook, I have thought about making a new one as well. There are a lot of reasons I don't really like it so I even considered deleting it. Usually it does not help my self esteem and sometimes I do get nervous what I'm going to see when I'm scrolling down the page. It's just that I have so many photos on there lol. And it's connected to spotify! XD

Yes, I have to remember I will get through this. That it's a "rocky point" rather than a bad life. Hard to remember that sometimes for sure.

Thank you for the kind words.

ohhh nice lady

set spending limit .........doing a new hobby buying supplies easily go over a few hundred (took up one and spent little over 600 to get started in it before i noticed )

Hi Rachel,

I can totally relate to much of what you wrote. I've been there. The 'what if's' and 'if only's' going round and round my brain, the obsessive facebook checking and blocking, crazy emails and texts.

But you will get through this. You're obviously a very intelligent and self-aware person, and I know that you probably know that no person on the face of the planet is worth the torture you're going through.

I learned something recently that helps me with my obsessive thoughts, and hope maybe it might help you, or at least give you something to think about. I read it in a book on self-esteem and it really struck me. The thing about obsessive thoughts, for me at least, is that it's all about seeking a payoff. The authors of the book compared it to a slot machine. Most of the time you're not going to hit the slots, but if you keep pumping dollars in, sooner or later you'll hit a jackpot. And hitting the jackpot is pleasurable. You might go bust 9,999 times in search of that reward. And that's how my obsessive thoughts are, they go over and over and over and over in search of that jackpot. Or sometimes I hit the payoff right off the bat. It's a random process, hence it's addictiveness. For me, the jackpot I'm playing for is usually just some valid enough excuse to contact the person I'm obsessive over (we maintain a cordial, but distant, relationship despite my previous behaviors) and to receive the pleasure (and the pain) of hearing from her.

So now when I start obsessing (and it's gotten much better since this realization) I just go, "Oh, yeah, I'm playing the slots." And I just let it be. So maybe try looking it at like that?

All the best to you. Be kind to yourself.

These strategies are the keystone to cognitive behavioral therapy. And they work.

Since you have an iPhone, I would look for an app with a cbt diary. Every time you have a difficult situation, you go in analyze your thoughts and how you could make them better. Eventually you begin to stop before you act and choosing a better way to deal with the situation.

I'm sorry you're having to deal with relationship problems. I've struggled with this too. The best advice I can give is to try and move on as best you can. For me, I took a letter my ex left me, burned it and put it out with salt (which is supposed to be purifying). Then I found the promise ring that mirrored his that belonged to me, hit it with a hammer until it was unrecognizable as jewelry, and chucked it into a field. It was very therapeutic.

The important thing to remember is that that person is no longer in your life, and it's probably better that way seeing how this went. Take some time to take care of yourself and rest.

how things work out nice lady

Any hobby ideas? I started to play guitar a bit, but other stuff is nice too. Anything artsy maybe!

I'm so glad to know I'm not the only one. It's good to have this forum here for sure.

In this case, I guess there is no payoff. Nothing will change or anything. So if I think about it that way, maybe it'll be easier. Obsessing won't get me anywhere. Good to be able to ask myself that about other things too if I begin to obsess about those as well. Maybe the reason I originally flipped out was because I needed to get rid of my emotions that I had bottled up for so long. Who knows why I wanted to talk to her so badly though. My mom thinks I wanted her to heal me or something. Anyway, in my next relationship, I'm just not going to put with their crap and if they're ******/unwilling to change I'll end it before it gets even worse. For example, in a bad relationship, there's not much payoff worth having if I think about it like that.

Thanks! =)

I've been doing okay today. I've been working on a project all day so that's a good distraction.

all depends on what u like

are u a photo bug ........or a painter.......clay worker.......needle point.......mosiac glass maker (u collect colored bottles break them and make something pretty out of pieces ....lay it down as a tile or use some lead solder and stain glass it ).....prefume making ......that fancy medieval writing .............i been bored out of my mind for years

if u get little hill billy running in yah u can tell u where to go to learn to make your own moonshine i give it away as gifts (make up something that person really likes run out a gallon and give it to them ) last 2 years now ......other ppl do beer i do moonshine

I'll certainly look for an application. Any recommendations of good ones?
Yes. Def. better off without her! I'll find someone better and more understanding one day.

I can understand how theraputic that must have been. With my ex before her, I burned all of the stuff that she gave me in a bin outside. It was a great release. Unfortunately, I don't have a way to do that in this sitatuation besides mentally I suppose. Nothing physical to get rid of anymore. At least I took care of that step. =)

I agree I need to take care of me. I have to manage this illness especially if I want to have a fulfilling life and a wife one day.

I like photography. I think I've been in a rut lately. Hard to get myself out of the house or dorm room (depending where I am). I have problems going places alone sometimes. I do have a really nice camera though. Haven't picked it up in months though! =/

How do you make perfume? That sounds kind of neat!

Not sure whiskey is my thing, but that sounds cool. I do like Fireball whiskey though for sure.

perfume is pretty easy

u just need something that u like the smell of and then strip the scent with a chemical that will turn into finally product once u mix it all
http://www.instructables.com/id/How-to-make-perfume/
i am a sucker for honey dew flowers love the smell of those ........u can get what ever u want and try mixing them make your own

and u are not alone u have the camera .........if something makes u feel out of place take a pic of it .....end of the day look at them and figure out what it has in common find your triggers

I don't have an iPhone, but Google suggested "CBT Referee". Go ahead and give that one a try and see what you do and don't like about it. Give yourself time, it's hard to learn the skills at first but they take practice.

Also, I would suggest personalizing your form room as much as you can. When I lived in one it felt like a cage. Plus, if you're trying some of these crafts, you can even decorate with those.

I checked out the perfume stuff. Looks cool. I will also def. try the photography thing. I use to be really into macro photography, for example. And wildlife photography. It was nice.

Are you suggesting to use photography as therapy in a sense? Like when I notice a certain emotion/thought to take a picture of something that might have reminded me of it?

I checked that out. It looked cool. I ended up finding one called Moodtracker though and I liked that one, so I bought that one instead. It has a lot more in depth. I'm hoping it's going to work! =)

I totally agree with decorating. It's pretty personalized, but could stand for even more. Still quite a bit of white wall space!

yes i am

if u can frame it freeze in time u can figure out what all have incommon ....this would be a trigger for u

plus u get photos of stuff .........never know u might make some money at it get a pic of something cool going on sell it to a paper or something

Rachael,

I hate to add a new potential cause for worrying, but it appears to me that you ascribe things to bipolar all too easily. You have a lot of mentions of shifting (deactivated-reactivated, blocked-unblocked) and the shifts occur shortly one after another. This behavior pattern makes me suspect that you might have borderline traits. The borderline personality disorder is now called "emotionally unstable disorder". I do not think that you have that disorder, full-fledged, but I think that you might want to talk to some professional at length to achieve better clarity with diagnosis / diagnoses.

The usage of the word "hate" in your post is also fairly consistent with borderline traits.

Bipolar and borderline do co-exist, and having both is by no means a piece of cake...

PS One of the MAJOR triggers of migraine headaches is skipping meals. You are not eating, not drinking fluids, not sleeping --> you will get migraines. It does not work this way in anybody - you have to be predisposed to migraine headaches - but if you tend to have migraines, then not eating not being hydrated and not sleeping enough WILL lead to more migraines. When you talk to your dr., describe all of this - obsessive thoughts, putting the girl on a pedestal and later suspecting that she hates you, not eating not sleeping the whole 9 yards. The clinician needs to know those things. Eating, sleeping - very important. Eat or die. Sleep or die. Girlfriends come and go, but you have to take care of yourself!

Hi Rachael,
I suffer from obsessive thoughts too. It can be really hard to deal with. I often overanalyze prior conversations or events. I get migraines, also. I try to limit myself to only allow myself to think about it once and then let it go. It's difficult, but doable.

Oh wow. I never considered that. I just looked it up and took the psych central quiz. It may be a possibility. I don't think this sort of thing happens with other people though. But def. did in this sitatuation without a doubt. She said I need professional help. I agree. Yeahhh. So it may be like mild or something maybe?

I do often find myself thinking about certain situations or people as "I hate this" or "I hate that they did that." I wouldn't say I hate a lot of people. I certainty hate the people who wronged me though.

Yeah. Makes sense. Sometimes I don't eat much and sometimes I binge eat. Also I totally need sleep right now, but am like "ah...whatever..." lol. Don't drink too much either I suppose. Only at meals usually.

The problem right now is my therapist at college is ending. I haven't found a new therapist or psychiatrist at home yet. Not sure if they can see me on such short notice either. This is scaring me a lot. If I have both bipolar and borderline, I don't know how I'm going to live or function in this world.

Is there any other way I can be evaluated? Should I consider going to a hospital (I think they do them). Usually that's if you're like extremely suicidal or in a really bad episode of something and then they might put you inpatient or recommend it. I'm not so sure I'd want that to happen. It certainly needs to be addressed sooner rather than later though.

relax nice lady

u will live like u do now ..........like a lady in college getting some degree in something she likes .....going to try to get a job in area u want but will settle at first just to make money as look and apply for dream job .........then all that other stuff love kids and everything else u want out of life

as for getting checked out ..........something like that takes time to notice so to do it u would be someplace for a few days to 10 days they watch u try to trigger stuff see how u react then make a report up ...........the other method is your Pdoc they seen u for a while and talked to u they will be able to make the call with out having u in someplace for several days

hon it is only a thought none of us know u well enough to make the call .....so do not freak out about something that might not even be

your home from college that is it your mental load has been reduced so u are getting looping thoughts

try the negivtive method .....wear a rubber band every time u start looping snap the band on the wrist and change the thought
if not then just increase the amount u think ........get a jump on work ....make a side project to get extra credit in your weaker classes (makes u think harder on something u are not 100% in so more work and improves skills)

u seem to write well and have a nack for it

why not make up short stories using the emotions u feel ........write them out see if by doing that it end the loops

if u really like and get good at it turn into a teacher and see what they say (i got a poem in the paper for winning 3rd place in a state contest.....i just turned it in for a assignment she thought it was that good) ........there is no harm in using the teachers around u to improve what they get paid for

alot of the best writers has issues too

To be evaluated for borderline (yes, sort of mild - traits and not full blown disorder), you need observation and ideally a personality test battery called Millon assessment. It should not be administered when you are suicidal or in a bad episode, so no, going to the hospital for that is not a good idea. At a hospital they are treating acute cases and not evaluating long-standing traits of personality. Also, borderline is treatable with long-term therapy. It is not something that is dealt with in acute care settings anyway.

Millon battery of tests is expensive without the insurance. I would ask your current therapist, before you end with that T, for a referral. Tell the T exactly what you just wrote - that it needs to be evaluated+addressed sooner rather than later.

People do live well with the combination of bipolar and borderline, so it is possible, but it takes effort and dedication.

When you say you hate people who have wronged you, one cannot help suspecting that those people have ignored you or not given you the attention you needed from them, but not outright wronged you - say, they did not tell lies about you in public to tarnish your reputation. So where a person without borderline traits would shrug her shoulders and move on, you perceive intentional harming and dwell on this. You seem to dwell on it to so much that you forego basic self-care strategies.

Another thing is that your eating is disordered. Eating nothing and then binging is a strong symptom of disordered eating. This is very tough - you might have a whole gamut of disorders and traits. People do live well even with such constellation of disorders, but you need help.

I would start by fixing the cycle of disordered eating - learning to eat regularly, no restricting and no binge eating, either, and definitely find A WAY to drink liquids outside of meal times. There are a lot of options now. There are jugs with infusers so you can put fruit and water to make flavored water at home. I like mineral water. People drink tea, black, green, or herbal. A true (not processed) hot cocoa drink every morning is a good routine. You need to find some way to hydrate yourself, and you should start experimenting with options until you find something that works. If you dilute a cranberry beverage with mineral water, would you drink this solution between meals? Would you drink tea? With milk or without milk, with or without honey - would you drink it? You need to work on it, because not only does dehydration lead to migraines, but also it dulls your cognitive abilities, and with that, the ability to help yourself function better. Finding a reliable, consistent way to keep your body and brain hydrated should be viewed as an experiment and evaluated with "Do I like it or do I not?" - it should not be viewed as an exercise in self-discipline.

If you have a blender, yogurt-berry smoothies would provide both hydration and protein. You probably do not eat protein (or drink it) on a regular basis, so your blood sugar goes up and down giving you more mood fluctuation than the underlying disorder itself would cause. I would start with the basics of finding a way to eat and drink regularly. After that I would try to find a way to sleep consistentlyon most nights. If you take care of your physiological needs, psychological problems - some of them - resolve without further intervention. You are an animal, after all, and so are the rest of us. As animals, we have physiology and an animal would not say "whatever" when it needs to sleep.

yes, I guess, but it would just be another thing wrong with me to sort out if I do have it even partially. I'd have to learn to manage it because I don't think I could be very functional otherwise especially with bipolar at the same time.

I don't have a Pdoc right now and having a hard time getting one so not sure how this is going to be sorted out at all.

Yeah, I do not have a whole lot to do (actually am going home offically for break tomorrow) so I am obsessing over things and over self-care/what's wrong with me (which is maybe good and bad?).

I have heard the rubberband thing before too. I should try it. Usually I just get really annoyed with myself and then get irritable. On rare occassions, at night when I cannot sleep or go "crazy" with emotion, I have made poor decisions and self-harmed or drank some alcohol. Then I feel really guilty and worthless/messed up afterwards. They are certainly not the best
ways to cope, but they're not habits so that's good. Rubberband could be a good replacement even before it gets that bad.

I keep a daily diary, but haven't tried my hand at short stories.

I started one a while back, but it felt too much like I was trying to just write about myself or who I wished I could be. Kind of took the fictional aspect out of it so I stopped.

Okay, so I guess no hospital. I just feel like I need something soon. I mean, but I'm doing okayish I suppose. I don't think I will do anything dumb because I want to get better.

The current therapist at the college is 3 hours away from where I live. She can probably refer me to someone in that area, but I won't go back until Mid-January and that is a long time to wait.

When I said wronged I meant like if they did something bad. Like if they chucked me out of their life randomly/without warning or with a stupid reason (like I had a couple friends get mad I'm friends with their ex and without explaining anything they just stopped talking to me and I haven't heard from them since). So I kind of hate them slightly...or at least what they did and how they can be okay with it. Another situation I felt wronged
is when a group of people at college all ganged up against me and decided not to be my friend anymore. So I kind of hate them now (this happened almost a year ago). With people ignoring me/not giving me attention, I can attribute it to my ex. I did sometimes think she was intentionally trying to harm me (my emotions) after we broke up by not responding and that she was all off fine in her life and hated me. Turns out the only one that had the most likelihood of being true was that she was all off fine her life. But, I do kind of hate her for everything that she did and said...and even a lot of how she treated me when we were together. I seem to idealize the person I thought that she was and hate the person she is (everything negative I can think about her).

I think my eating might only be temporarily disordered. This wouldn't be the first time that is has happened, however, it seems to always happen in stressful situations. I'm in a very bipolar state right now that I can't get a hold of. Depressed, anxious, irritable, and sometimes/usually manic. So because I feel crazy, I'm just not eating as much and kind of isolating myself because I just need to kind of be alone with myself for a while. It's been worsening all throughout this week in particular.People are too busy anyway.

Thanks for suggestions on different beverages. The infuser sounds neat. Everything will take self-discipline because there have been a couple times in my life where I really tried to be healthy, but they did not last.