[HighOnHotSauce]

Short background: After over two decades of struggling with and suffering serious consequences, I was finally diagnosed with Bipolar 1 and I started on meds for the fist time ever (I'm in my 40s) two months ago for a manic episode Okay, to the present....It's been a rough few days. My life can be so exhausting. I won't bore you all with tons of details. I started not sleeping well and started having thoughts often associated with depression.. Anyway, I thought, well, maybe I'm slipping into depression. Wrong, I started becoming agitated and my thoughts began to race. I spent days full of rage and ideas of suicide and craziness. I have a history of substance abuse which seems to spike around manic phases (been sober for 71 days). By yesterday, I was ready to quit my job and go off the deep end which could be anything, hurt myself, go on a dangerous drinking bender, sleep with strangers, get a plain ticket to New Mexico (I live in Maine). It was getting to the point were that was all on the table. I take 1200mg. of Lithium and 2mg. of risperidone everyday and it wasn't touching this.

Not touching it other than to say, I'm typing this and I haven't done any of those things. The meds I think also gave me enough distance to see what's been going on the last week with me. It also allowed me to actually call my Psych Nurse who I couldn't connect with, and also call a friend who helped put together a plan e.g. if it got worse go the the ER, go to her house to try and be safe essentially. I rode out last night and I'm up since 3 am. so my sleep is not in good shape. Anyway, I have an appointment with my Psych Nurse at 2:30 so I'm can't wait for that appt. If things start to turn south on me this morning I'll call her or go to the ER. If I get as elevated as I did yesterday, I don't think I can make it through another day without something going terrible wrong what ever it may be. I hate being on that edge. Before the meds, I wouldn't have seen the edge, I would have blown right by it and I'd be who knows where right now doing who knows what.

[Wander]

Sorry to hear you are in a very difficult place right now but I am very glad that you are in treatment and have a safety plan. Please let us know how your appointment with the psych nurse goes. It sounds like you need to be evaluated again to try and bring down your distress levels. Hang in there! Keep posting.

[Gray Rider]

Its hard to believe they can miss something for that long. I can relate however. I have my appt at 2:30 today also, I'm excited.

[Justugh]

the best bet to make it is

distraction ...........the more u watch the clock the longer it feels the more u feel the edge

u have a computer hit hulu or netflix and veg out on a bunch of tv shows u like to kill the time and take mind off it .........set the alarm on your phone to give u 20 30 mins to make to appointment

if that is not your thing then go for free online games ........there are bunch of them just little java games u play ....this site even has some in the bottom bar

[Polibeth]

I'm sorry to hear you're struggling but the good news is that you have a lot of self-awareness. I hope your psych nurse can help.

[Justugh]

oh by the way really cool icon

could u send me a link to grab a copy i know a lady that likes that kind of stuff

[Fuzzybear]

[newtothis31]

Sending good thoughts your way!

[Crazy Hitch]

Hi OnHotSauce,

Thinking of you and hoping you get well.

Take care.

[HighOnHotSauce]

Thanks everyone. It's great to have the support of people who know what it's like to struggle with their own brain. I made it to my appointment and it did me a lot of good. We talked a lot and she tweaked my meds. We also developed a layered plan in place to avoid my getting into the situation I was in the last few days. I 'm feeling like I've come back from the edge. Still feeling, well, elevated, but feel safe.

Oh, and "Justug" the icon/avatar is one that I just selected from the random choices this forum provides by default.

[Victoria'smom]

I'm glad the psych nurse could help.