Accepting my diagnosis?

It has taken me a long time to realize the impliations of having BP. I accepted it on a superficial level, took my meds reluctantly, but did not make any real life-style changes. When I finally came out of my depression, after about a year, I still did not start making the right life-style choices. Instead I started on a self-destructive path of "let me just push my limits, let`s see how far I can ignore my illness". There was a conflict in me between what I saw as living life in a dull, meaningless way ( if I accepted my illness), versus living life to the fullest (if I did not accept it). Four years of pushing myself far beyond my limits, has caught up with me. I have been going in and out of depressions and mania/hypomania during these years, while I refused to live in a way that would keep me far more stable. In august I became suicidal, and recently I have had two episodes where I was completely delusional. I ask myself if this happened because of my unhealthy lifestyle, or because of my illness - and would have happened anyway? I have finally started to make my peace with having BP, and making some healthy life-style choices. Like eating healthy, cut back on caffeine, making sleep a proirity, doing a little excercise, staying hydrated, taking a daily walk, having cognitive therapy, etc.
My question is, how long to fully take in what having BP actually means in ones life? Am I unususal in taking this long to accept?

Hi Homeira

It sounds like you are helping yourself now and that is really great. You are not the only one who has trouble accepting their diagnoses. I don't want to accept that I have depression, but I do. I am not on an antidepressant for it but I probably need one. I have pushed my limits as well. It takes people sometimes years to accept their diagnosis and others never accept theirs. You are not slow at getting that lifestyle changes do make a big difference in how we feel. Lifestyle changes are extremely important in keeping our depression and moods in check along with our provider's recommendations. You have come a long way!

I hope this helps even if I couldn't put a time frame on how long it takes for a diagnosis like BP to be accepted. I don't think there is a magic number.

I think what made me take so long in reaching a point of accepting that I have a pretty serious illness, was internalizing what society around me was telling me. Always being told that it was all in my head, that I was a free-loader for not being able to work, just think happy-thoughts, and the worst: follow your dreams, there is no limit to what you can acheive! (Hey, there actually IS a limit to what I can achieve, and it is called BP!). Plus the rest of the assortment of stuff MI-sufferers are told... I guess I chosed to believe in that, because it seemed to be a better way to look at things - like it is a cure and I am going to get well from having BP- just think happy thoughts and so on. I have learned the hard way that there is no alternative to accepting my diagnosis. Maybe it is normal to go into denial at first.

I almost could've written your post, Homeira. I'm stuck between denial of my diagnosis---which went away when I was labeled bipolar 1---and full acceptance of it. I'm almost three years in and I've really only accepted it on the surface. I don't know what I'm afraid of or why I keep pushing it away.....maybe I think I'll REALLY lose my $#!+ if I let it in. (Although having a complete meltdown and going inpatient should have given me a clue that I needed to take it more seriously.) Anyway, I'm still working on the acceptance part, and I don't really know what it'll take for me to get there. I guess I'll find out someday.

I think I was afraid to accept it. I was not able to face the facts, and chose denial instead. It seemed easier. But this fall something has started to dawn on me. And I think it is the fact that I am not getting better, actually I am getting worse. I myself noticed that I was getting worse. And I realized that now is the time to face the facts, or who knows what will happen next. And as a friend kindly pointed out, I am not a very nice person to be around sometimes when I get unwell. And he has stuck by me year after crazy year, because he knows that I have an illness, even when I myself have been trying my best to ignore it. So for the sake of the people in my life, I owe it to them to try to be more stable. If life-style-change is what it takes, then I must do that.

Having a daily routine is one of the best things you can do for yourself which includes eating healthy. Any tiny change in my daily routine and my bio-rythme gets totally thrown out-of-whack. I get boosts of energy at the strangest times of day. Eating for nutrition is a great way to approach your diet. Your body needs lots of nutrition. Personally, I believe that mood disorders really alters a person's metabolism (slow or fast). I avoid juices with sugar if I can (especially at breakfast) and grab an orange, kiwi or pure nectar instead for a boost.

Thanks for writing this, I feel very similar. The start of last year I did EVERYTHING everyone had told me to do - think happy thoughts, be positive, aim for my goals.... I turned every thought around and it was constant and hard to do. I took my meds, I had a healthy diet and lifestyle. After 2 months of doing this I had my first hospital stay. It turned out to be one of the worst years of my life with mulitple hospital stays, threats of ECT and very very close suicide attempts.

Yet I still feel like I am a lazy freeloader (although I work part time and do volunteer work) I feel very useless not being able to work full time, and some days (umm most) not even getting through my chores. I do not accept that I am sick but I am getting there. It is just over 10 years since my diagnosis and the start of the med merry go round.

Hey hi! To me my diagnosis was finally an explanation of what I already knew. It gave me hope because it opened a door for treatment and recovery to happen. I had my moments of doubt and quit my meds several times before I learned my lesson.

It took a little time to fully accept it n the last 3 years. I hope you find yours.

A friend and I were discussing this today. I was saying I still have trouble accepting my diagnosis at times. She said, "It's because you don't see yourself as someone with that diagnosis." It made me stop to think about what it means to have the diagnosis and how we define who we are and what that looks like, with our limitations and our times of wellness.