[Sunshiney87]

I change within seconds to minutes. I don't know who I really am, to be honest.

I can fall into I-want-to-kill-myself mood to a confident giddy/giggly person at a blink of an eye. Furthermore, I can dwell on the smallest things for hours, days, weeks, months but can get over something I may have said/done within seconds; expecting others to do the same. There are times when I don't realize how deep my depression is, I simply lose it. It owns me for that duration, it seems. Then, there are times I don't realize how incredibly happy I am and I keep going and going and ...going.

It's that brief moment, the moment when I experience some sort of clarity, peace. Everything comes to a standstill. I can finally breathe. I can remember things I've forgotten during my "episodes" (I am forgetful at times) Then I start to feel afraid because I know at any moment, I will slip back into "crazy mode." And then I do.... and the vicious cycle continues out of my control, non stop.

No matter what, medicine or not, my brain wants me dead. I just want to be happy, you know?

[~Christina]

Sounds like your in a mixed episode, they are pure hell on earth. Seems most Pdoc usually prescribe a strong Ap ( anti psychotic) to knock the episode down so your able to get your feet back under you and leveling out.

Are you on medication? You may need an adjustment or a new med altogether. Do you have a T (therapist) ? They can help you focus on coping skills that can be helpful. Self grounding and Mindfulness are also a wonderful tool to know how to use.

Please get in touch with your Pdoc so you can work towards getting more stable.

Welcome to PC