Confused - anyone else like me?

Hi, I'm new. I was diagnosed with rapid cycling bipolar disorder over a year ago, but I've really struggled with figuring out what this means because my experiences have been very mild and I feel very disconnected from the resources and advice for people with bipolar.

I have an incredibly stressful, unpredictable, and unstable life, job, and living situation. I spent nearly a year in a depression. I kept my job, activities, and life pretty much as normal. Nothing really changed or fell apart on me while I was depressed, I just felt like someone had taken a melon baller and carved out every bit of my insides.

Then, after a period of unusually high stress, I had a two-day period of intense irritability and anger that I just couldn't stop. I wanted to punch someone. That frightened me into going to a doctor. That ended with my diagnosis, but not actually because of the anger (or so says my doctor). The diagnosis came from self-reporting that I occasionally have more energy, am more talkative, and have faster thoughts than usual.

I take one medication, lamictal, with no apparent side effects. I haven't been truly depressed since, and I haven't had that uncontrollable anger again, either. Is it really that easy? That's just so weird, compared to what all the books and advice tells you to expect when you have bipolar.

I also simply haven't had any of the big problems - I've never been hospitalized, or taken more than one medication, or had massive bad decisions or impulsivity, or had issues with harm or ideation, or trouble sleeping. Sometimes I'm a little more talkative, and sometimes I feel happier and more energetic than at other times, but nobody's ever commented on it.

I want to believe I have bipolar. How much easier it would be for me to just say, "I have bipolar." I could feel a sense of community, I could actually believe that support for people with bipolar is something that's for me, too.

As it is, I feel adrift. I'm told I'm sick, but I'm just not sick "enough" for it to be entirely clear. I'm caught between agreeing that I have a few mild symptoms, but also having a lot of doubt because of the many things I haven't experienced, or have experienced only slightly, that are criteria for bipolar. All the books I've read, the forums I've browsed, the advice articles I've seen - a lot of it seems like things I've never experienced, outside of the depression, and even that was mild compared to others' accounts.

I'm just trying to find someone like me. I feel like I'm alone. Does this resonate with anyone? I guess I want someone who can help me embrace this and put this confusion to rest.

There are three clearly defined bipolar disorders in the DSM V. The third comprises symptoms of the other two, but does not fit either definition. Take copious notes on your daily behavior and share them with your doctor.

Hello Skywalking,

Many times I have felt like I am on the "milder" side of bipolar. I have to be careful with that and stay on top of my treatments.

You might seek a second opinion, but if a simple lamictal treatment keeps you stable, functioning, and happy - go with it. I would not feel isolated - go ahead and join the community and it will pay off. Welcome to PC!

moogs

I too have at times doubted the bipolar label as my symptoms are not extreme. Like you, I can often function well on the outside when depressed but feel terrible on the inside. I think acceptance is a process.

I should have said in the first post - I have discussed this with my doctor, going more deeply into detail than I have here, and he said that he does believe I have bipolar. However, he offered to take me off the medication and see how I do, though he believes I do need to be on some amount of it (though maybe not my current dose). Unfortunately, I had a horrible withdrawal reaction with the first step-down and it scared me out of doing it. We agreed to talk about it again in three months at my next med check.

I'm scared to try it again, not only because I'm afraid of the withdrawal, but because I'm worried I'll spend all that time anxious about getting sick because I'm going off the medication. I'm in this weird place where I think I have it, I'm told I have it, but there's just nobody I can connect with who's had similar experiences, and that feels very important to me.

I have asked for a clarification between I, II and NOS. However, he only said it is rapid cycling and definitely not type I. I brought up the possibility of cyclothymia, but he seemed hesitant to call it anything other than rapid cycling bipolar.

@muv45, Love&Toil, MoogieOtter: Thank you. I appreciate it!

I did a few months of therapy, and my therapist was uncertain about it. She brought up whether it could be cyclothymia, but we didn't identify any bipolar specific issues I needed to address.

I am speaking from a place of great privilege here in all of this. I am grateful that I've done well, and I certainly don't want to be experiencing more extreme symptoms. At the end of the day, if tossing back a pill keeps me from getting depressed, then that's what matters I guess. It just leaves me in an in-between state of confusion to not know, to not understand, to feel disconnected.

I have been diagnosed Type 1 and Type 2 by different docs. I tend to be pragmatic about it more than focus on the label. Like, I have a problem - there's medication that helps this problem, so I go with it and not worry so much about Type 1 or 2.

There are many people in your shoes and some may creep up here, but to be posting on a bipolar forum, most people are going to be pretty sure they are bipolar. Don't get discouraged though, we've got your back. Thanks,

moogs

Welcome skywalking-hope you find some good support here-I agree with others you can always seek another opinion & having your symptoms treated adequately is more important than the label-I've worked in healthcare for many years & rarely do docs agree completely with each other especially with psych issues-as I'm sure you already noticed some of us here at PC have multiple issues coexisting so you can check out the other areas of the board as well-if I'm having a bad anxiety or OCD day I hang out there for support. Remember you are not alone & keep posting

Not all BP have the same level of symptoms. Keep reaching and asking questions. If a low dose of Lamitcal does the trick, that's great!

This is a very supportive group. I hope you find what you need here.

Rapid cycling means more then 4 distinct mood shifts that normally last on average of 2 weeks or in a 12 month period. This is how my pdoc diagnoses.

I am no Doctor .. But I will give you my opinion based on your post.

You could have BP II since your only taking Lamictal and thats "typical" for treating more on the depression side of things. BP II has "Hypo" not full blown "Mania"

Anger can be a sign of Mania. I seldom ever get a happy "mania" mine are more angry mad, rage filled times and it certainly isn't just a couple day kinda deal.

Bipolar is spectrum .. Bipolar is unique to everyone. Everyone is effected differently.

Welcome to PC, regardless where you may or may not land on the spectrum, You have found a place to come and learn ways to improve your life and I'm sure offer advice for others when you can.

I doubt it all the time! I hate that I do that. I know I'm doing that, but I always think it's gotta be something else. I was having this discussion with my roommate who is like a sister to me and she point blank said to me, Eva, I've dated someone with BP and you definitely are a poster child for it. So, everyone who knows me sees it as the "perfect" diagnosis while I sit over here wondering if it's correct. I'm always confused as to why I feel that way.

Thank you all. Part of my confusion is based on not fitting the DSM, as indeed, my one anger mood shift was two days, and I've had a hard time identifying any previous episodes or behavior that would qualify as hypomanic. While it does not mean I don't have bipolar, I don't fit the BPII criteria in the DSM. On the other hand, maybe it was the first episode ever and I just happened to catch it because it was so out of character.

My doctor said that if it were not for the extreme stressful situation that brought it on, I might not have ever needed treatment at all. That kind of kills me a little. Like there was something I could have done to keep it from happening. Or that I was a ticking bomb and just went off one day. Or that I could suddenly get worse.

I should admit that I have a horrible fear of doctors and don't really feel like I can trust them. It's been a little bit better with my psychiatrist since he proved he will respect my decisions. But it probably factors in to why I just don't feel settled with taking my doctor's word for it, though I wish I could and simply leave it at that.

I wish I had someone in my life who would give me that kind of feedback about my behavior! Unfortunately, I do not. What I have experienced instead are people being horrible to me about my diagnosis, with reactions between telling me I'm not sick, and telling me that if I am sick, it's my fault.

I feel like at this point I'm having to come up with creative ways to explain away why I don't fit the diagnostic criteria for bipolar, yet still justify my having it. I can say "I have bipolar," I can - and do - just go about my life not worrying about a word that's in a medical file, not really having to worry about my moods either as long as I'm not obviously depressed or ragingly mad. And I'm fortunate for that.

It's just that niggling feeling that something's not right, that's sent me looking for others with similar experiences. So I do thank all of you for your input and for sharing your experiences.

Everyone is different even if they have the same diagnosis. I am diagnosed with rapid cycling. I have mood episodes all the time even if just for a week or cycling up and down. Its so hard never knowing if I can make plans to go somewhere or do something because I don't know how I will feel that day. For instance, I offered to take a girl somewhere on Sunday night and I do NOT want to now as I am having social anxiety and anxiety about nearly everything else as well! Its unpredictable to say the least but we learn to adapt to it and embrace it and try to get through it in one piece. Easier said than done. I have doubted my diagnosis even since going through all this. I probably still will from time to time but I suppose its the reminders from friends of where I have been that reminds me to keep working on myself and be proactive to take care of myself, regardless if I fit my diagnosis because we ALL need work.

Not sure if any of my rambling is helpful but I hope the best for you!