[tigersassy]

I've been up since 6am. It's 6:50 now. I went to sleep around 11pm. Only an hour less than 8 but still. There is nothing wrong with me. I'm tired of taking these meds. I want to clean, but my spouse is still asleep. I feel like I'm going to throw up. My mother in law and I had a disagreement at Bible study yesterday. It's messing with my head a bit. I'm obsessing. Racing thoughts. This can't be happening. I'm not bipolar. Maybe I should go for a walk. Focus is shot. I've been writing this for over a half hour. I want to crawl outta my skin. Can't sit still. Now I want to delete this because everything is different. I'm cold. Gotta plan my garden for this year. Container garden. Gotta figure out how to keep neighbors cats out of it this year. I'm tired of taking pills. But I'll never be able to stop one of them. Thank you cancer. I just want to fix this. I have no control over my thoughts or my life any more. Everything is on its own timing and nothing lines up. I don't feel happy well overly happy. I'm more agitated. The sun isn't even up yet and now I've been writing this for an hour. Crap....

[Fuzzybear]

[Ruftin]

I hope you're feeling better now.

[Wander]

Sounds like you are having a really tough time. I am so sorry this is happening. I wish I could offer some helpful advice but all I know is to ride it out till it passes and take your meds. Big hugs, Wander

[tigersassy]

Thinking I might take my prn today and see if that helps. I'm still all over, but now I'm at work. This is going be fun. I'm irritable just like yesterday. I wanted to hit my spouse for everything yesterday. I don't like this. I'm worried this is going to lead to bad things at work again. I can't afford that. Not with cancer and me being the only one working. I'm tired this morning didn't sleep well. Wound up on the couch. I hate when my brain won't stop at night and I lay there for an hour trying to fall asleep because I know I need it. It doesn't help that I started my period Saturday. Maybe that's all this is. We'll see how long lasts I guess. See Pdoc on Thursday morning. My eyes are heavy but the rest of me is awake now. Wtf is this. I don't want to be at work. It's going to be a long day because I can't focus. Its the end of our fiscal year at work and they want everything done by Wednesday so this is going to be a long week to. I'm cold thank you winter. I need to live somewhere that has spring/fall like temps all year. I'm fed up with church and all things Christian again. Thank you mother-in-law. I don't want to talk about anything to my spouse or her family again. I don't feel welcome there anymore. So if I have go I just won't talk unless spoken directly to and then it'll be simple answers. I'm beginning to feel like I'm vibrating in my skin. I don't want this to be happening again. I am not having/heading into a manic episode. I am not bipolar. Rinse repeat. I'm not bipolar I hold jobs too long. I've been at my current job for 5years. I've had 4 different jobs for this employer not counting the different aspects of some off them that are like different jobs themselves. I'm everywhere and no where. This sounds familiar but like a dream. I'm volatile. This blackness is welling up inside me and I can't let it out. It scares me what will happen when I can't contain it. Hopefully my prn will just kick my butt down a few notches. Whiskey would help, but I'm at work so not going to happen. Maybe after. I haven't drank in months. Why does it sound so good? Why does my brain do this to me? Race Race little hamster. Even though you aren't going anywhere keep running.

[tigersassy]

Prn is making me feel like a zombie. I guess that's what happens when you don't take it for months. Not as bad as earlier. Maybe I nipped it in the bud.

[tigersassy]

Feeling better. Possible panic attack. Crying has hit. Thank you cancer depression/anger. I keep swinging between the 2.

[Wander]

Hang in there. Thursday is only a few days away and hopefully then you and your pdoc can come up with a plan to ease your symptoms.