Frustration/sadness/overwhelmed

Earlier this month I had the idea that i was going to go off my meds in order to give life a try without them. I realize that I'm really not on much, but I would like to live without any. Well, by the next morning, I could already tell that if I decided to do that, I was going to need to have some time away from work. So i was frustrated. My rationale is this.

I had a really bad bout of crying and sleeplessness a few years ago that was the springboard for a xanex rx from my pcdoc for sleep. Idk he may have dx depression, he may have dx anxiety. Cant remember which came first. He said, dont take it every night. And if you end up pregnant, stop taking it immediately. So I did what he said. Then, I had an episode with my ex-husband (who was my husband at the time) that triggered a BUNCH of flashbacks. It was really bad! That is how I got my T.

Well then the came the suicidal ideation. I was still working with my T at the time, but she was not available. When my mood shifted up just a little bit, I realized I better get some help or I might wake up in the hospital (my greatest fear). So i ended up calling my best friend who happens to be a T. Her voice was calm and I wasn't looking at her. I basically was so disconnected from where i was and who i was talking to that it was about two hours before looked up and saw the look of horror on her face. I then thought, oh God, please don't let her make me go to the emergency room. So we came up with a plan that i had to promise to follow in case my mood shifted down over the weekend. I followed the plan. My T was contacted. Around that time, I was switched to an SSRI. I was working on trauma stuff, i cried a lot, I had a really hard tome getting into the door of my job just about everyday. A couple of different SSRIs later, a surgery, and a declining marriage, and a planned suicide that included 'firing' my friends, i finally took me Ts recommendation decided to see a pdoc. (I rehired them when my mood shifted but i really hurt them both)

While waiting for the 6weeks to go by to have my initial visit, my marriage got really crazy. I spent a lot of time crying and in the bed. I went to work but it was hard. There were a couple of times that my behavior at work was likely deemed unbecoming. I was going through a hard time but i wasn't crazy. By the time i went to see my pdoc, I'd figured out that my husband was being unfaithful to our marriage and that we were going to end up separating. I left my pdoc's office with the dx of bipolar II. By the way, i knew i was leaving with that. I'd known since my late teens that something wasn't right (mostly from the depressive side and the colors and shadows that would float through my visual field from time to time).

My lamictal and my separation happened within two weeks of each other. If you know anything about experiments or strategies for behavior management, you know that you should only introduce one variable at a time to figure out what makes the change. Lamictal immediately worked to stabilize me. In fact, it had been about three years since i'd felt like that. Being stable with slight increases of lamictal allowed me to figure out the craziness and the mess of what my 17 year marriage had become. By the way, when i needed him most, he and everyone other than my two friends that i mentioned created space rather than support. So, i an not fighting the dx. I'm still the same person that i've always been. And with the help of the trauma work that I've done, i'm so much more aware my physical reactions to situation, mood changes, etc.

So. . . if i have lived my whole life unmedicated, why cant i manage now? Which factor pushed me over the edge, declining mental health or declining marriage? If I've got to work everyday, how can i ever try without being admitted?

I lived my whole life un-medicated for the most part and I eventually crashed and burned not knowing that I had been living with undiagnosed PTSD and depression. I got to a point where I could not work anymore without the help of meds and counseling. I am older now and my depression isn't getting any better with age.

My point here is I don't think that your bipolar is going to get better as you age. The medication has helped to get you more stable and figure out some things perhaps.
What pushed you over the edge, I am not sure, but in my case it was a trigger that I just could not cope with so my depression got much worse. In my case it was the break up of a relationship. I understand your fear of having to work and the possibility of losing it mentally. I think it is best to take one moment at a time. Some say to take one day at a time. I am sorry that your friends distanced themselves from you. I know that had to hurt. I would keep taking your meds and continue or start therapy. I wish you the very best.

I could be the stress or it could be the other, or it could be the combo of the 2. Everyone is different.

For years, I would be on meds, get therapy, get better, and with medical support, went off the T and meds. Sometimes I may have been tx free for a few years. The illness returned eventually but that worked for me for many years.

Finally I got to a point where I got tired of being a yo-yo and accepted my illness for what it was. That over time I did need to take meds full time. I don't know if it's related to age. Could be, but that's kinda asking which came first the chicken or the egg. It just is what it is, for me.

I have been told meds work best in conjunction with therapy. Some of my therapists were very good and taught me some tricks and tips to help me along my way. [tools] Each therapist is different, and with each of them I picked up more tools. If one didn't work for me, I tried another.

Kudos for coming here. It's a begining.

Take good care of you.

I understand your reasoning about the meds. I hope you are able to discuss this with a doctor and see what they say. After going off lithium, I had a major freak out unlike anything before, so I know for me, I need to be careful and in a safe place when seeing if new meds will work or especially going med free. I wish I had advise for you.

So sorry you are having such a difficult time I was not diagnosed or on meds until I was 48-I was surrounded by uncaring people for the most part & tried to just white knuckle through my problems for years-it was sooooo hard & I felt so isolated. It was a huge relief to finally reach out for help but my first go around with meds did not go well at all. I was no longer able to work & lost my insurance. In July of 2014 I reached out to my new primary care doc who got me in touch with a great mental health team. I have a great tdoc, pdoc & use as many of my complimentary practices as I can squeeze in throughout the day. My pdoc & I are adjusting my meds kind of slowly & methodically which is helping to minimize side effects. It's a process-some days are great & others still suck but I don't live in fear like I did for so much of my life & for me that is very freeing. Please take care-you are not alone in your situation. Keep posting & let us know how you are doing.