I'm feeling really bad about missing my classes, birthday parties, gatherings etc. I have a very special and unique opportunity in NYC - in a program that's really hard to get into (I still don't know how/why I did...) - and I feel like I'm wasting it away, that someone else would get so much more out of it.

The worst part is that I skipped seminar not when I was depressed but after...I seriously feel like I've been hit by a bus or a bad flu and need recovery time, emotionally and in terms of getting back on track with my overdue work/deadlines, but I still feel really guilty. I'm also nervous about going back and having to face my friends who are asking where I am and why I haven't been showing up.

This all just makes me sort of sad and disappointed in myself.

[quasicrystalline]

I'm in a similar boat. Not following depression, necessarily, but mania. This semester was the semester I was going to complete my entire college program, but I just had a manic episode that got me hospitalized, and now I'm feeling like I need time to recover from that two month period of no sleep and poor judgement. I'm damn lucky I didn't do anything to put my status with my supervisors and advisors in jeopardy, but I left myself in shambles. I'm so petrified to go back. Being this close to the deadline makes me feel like a failure. Like I couldn't suck it up for a couple more months? I know the prudent, wise choice is to TAKE the break and get the emotional help I need, but it's hard.

The best advice I heard from anyone recently was, "You don't owe anyone an explanation." I'm lying about the absence and saying it's another medical issue I have because Bipolar creates too much of a stigma. That's the part I hate the most—that I can't be honest about what it really is/was.

I'd say do what you know you need to do. I know this sounds hypocritical, because I'm right there with you with this unrelenting guilt and shame, but I think you're making the right decision. In the past when I've rushed into something before I was ready, it ended up a worse disaster and took longer to pick the pieces up. And the longer it took to pick up the pieces, the more guilty and ashamed I felt about it.

I hope things go well for you!

[Flyer]

The guilt and shame is the BP or old messages talking to you. No one can make you feel anything but yourself. If you feel apologies are necessary, do so and let it go.

Give yourself time to heal, if necessary, and get back in the race when you feel like it.

Give yourselves a break. It's not just BPers that do these kinds of things.