Have I finally found a home?

Well,

I guess this is the culmination of the last two years of hell. I've finally accepted my condition enough and dropped my pride and signed up for these forums in an attempt to face my disease.

As I type this, I have tears in my eyes, knowing of the tremendous amount of damage I've caused to my life and to my relationships with my loved ones.

In a year's time, I've lost my wife, my kids, my career, and my record as an upstanding American crime-free citizen.

For the first time ever, two days ago, I cut myself. I was admitted into a psychiatric triage because I had concocted a plan for suicide.

At first, when I learned I had bipolar, I refused to take my medication because I loved the mania. I felt happy, filled with joy and hope for my ambitious plans, and then everything fell apart. The delusions took hold and I was incapable of seeing how badly I was hurting the ones I loved around me. I ran up $60,000 in credit card debt and ran myself into bankruptcy because I was convinced I was going to become a famous rapper, collaborate with all the big name stars, and marry Lady Gaga. I built a music studio from the ground up even though I have absolutely no background in music.

I quit the best job I've ever had, where I was making $90,000 a year, because I was convinced I was chosen by God to carry out part of his master plan. I was living a movie, it was the most bizarre thing in the world. I heard the devil in my ears mocking me after I lost my job. i could hear it audibly as real as if someone was standing next to me whispering into my ear.

I started driving recklessly because I believed I was a race car driver and crashed into an old man's car on the freeway going 90 mph. My mom lost her license and I destroyed her car.

I started walking around the city in my underwear, because I believed I deserved the freedom to do so...

I told my brother I was going to have sex with his wife because we were eternal beings in nature and that because of that, it had already happened. He disowned me and now we're estranged.

But by far, the worst of all, is that I lost the love of my life and my four children.

I suffer from a tremendous amount of guilt and self-blame over what's happened even though I know it's not my fault that I got this illness.

I wish more than anything I could go back and change it all, but it's too late.

I made over 100 manic videos and posted them on YouTube. When I go back and watch them I am amazed at my confidence and the genuine joy that's exuding from my personality. It's like I'm a different person altogether and admittedly there's part of me that misses that, but I can't ever go back to it.

I'm looking to meet people who can relate to my problems, who won't judge me, and who, most of all, I can call my friends, as I've run off many of my lifelong friends with my crazy actions.

I just wanted to share a little bit of my story and say hi.

Sad in Seattle,

Aaron

I'm so sorry for everything that you have been through. I hope that you can find some hope and support here at psychcentral. You are not alone friend. We are all here to help each other.

I am sorry for all that you are going through. We are here for you. Post as often as you need to post.

Welcome to Psycho Central.

Thanks for the laugh.

((((((FoxOr)))))))

HANG IN THERE it's difficult now but this too shall pass.

I'm sincerely sorry that you've gone through so much disruption and suffering. Much of what you've lost (children, loved ones, friends, understanding, work) may yet return to you.

I have this same problem. If we can truly understand the disease then we should accept that we're not to blame for all that's happened. That logic looks good on paper but I haven't been able to internalize it. Work hard to forgive yourself; the guilt and shame are as much a tragedy as your losses.

10 things you didn't know about guilt

Welcome.

Welcome, I just joined here a few days ago after lurking for a bit.

Thanks for sharing your experiences, you have really been through a rough, quite a bit of which I can immediately relate to. Thats whats so uplifting about forums, your ealise you are not alone and very often we find and connect with people that have gone throught the almost unbelievable experiences.

Welcome!!
I think you will find alot of help here like many of us have

Welcome to PC Loads of support here.

This is a good place to come when you need non-judgmental ears to listen to you. We all get it. Some of us have done hugely irrational and damaging things to ourselves and those we care for. You are definitely NOT alone.

Welcome!

Lol for real?

Welcome to PC. We're all of the same mind here