bipolar and advanced study

I've been in a master's program since fall. It has mostly come as a welcome change in my life since I have long considered it a goal for myself and would like to go all the way and work in academics/ research (which is what makes this all the more upsetting honestly). But it has been one near mental health problem after another. Granted, there has been a lot of stress and some medication changes that have made it all the more difficult, but I'm at the point where I literally am questioning if this education/ career is something that I can do given my mental state. I got the undergrad degree without much interference from mental illness (well, serious disruption, not like this now anyway) because I was able to fade into the background, not all attention to myself and back away to mentally regroup when needed.

Now it's like a constant need to perform. I don't have the constant energy or focus to keep up. Also, I lose it whenever I have to be the center of attention or have my abilities or opinions exposed or tested. I can barely talk in front of people, don't feel very intelligent or able to read/ think critically anymore. At times, I end up defensive and avoidant, and I've reach a point of not caring. I bounce between irritability, depression, anxiety mainly. It gets in the way of me functioning period, let alone as I should be able to.

The only reason I didn't fail out last semester was because I was able to get later deadlines and more time due to having a psychiatric disability. I was hoping not to have to rely on that again...I feel like how can I go on in academia if I need to always tell people about my condition? Or am I self-stigmatizing?

I think that you are self stigmatizing. I have a bachelors in Medical Technology, and currently work as a Microbiology Supervisor at a hospital. I have only needed to tell my illness to certain people, who have kept my confidences. You may not need to tell anyone. Dont let your illness keep you from achieving your goals. You can have a long happy proactive life, you just gotta stay strong and push for it.

I have a B.S. and M.S. and I don't work in my field, I'm in a job that only requires a highschool diploma. I'm so scared to move forward, yet I've worked so hard. I'm always stressed from work. If I can't handle the stress of this job, how can I go into my field that will be more stressful. I'm also on intermittent FMLA and Med Leave atleast once a year. I can't be in a position like that and missing time at work. I haven't been missing as much work for the past six months, but the thought of the uncertainty of stability deters me from moving forward.

I have a BA.in education and I have never really worked in the field. I have taken part time jobs since I sold my business and I too have struggled with a recent medecine change due to my illness. I am sure of one thing and that is to have a happy life I must take it one day at a time.

Don't let your illness define you. Instead, let your goals lead you. You don't owe anyone an explanation about your health issues since you are being treated and being responsible. It is possible that you will spend 40+ years working in your lifetime, and you deserve to work at a job that makes you happy and fulfilled.
Btw, I have worked almost 30 years as a teacher and I love it!
Bluemountains

Thank you.

I guess I worry that since there may always be times where I am not well enough to function, this is will make it impossible to have a job that requires me to constantly be on, or that my mental state will always lead me toward self-destructive avoidance or disengagement. Right now, I have very limited amounts of energy and motivation. I can get reading done and some stuff written, but I don't feel excited or energetic. I'm obviously very depressed and anxious, but that's right now. I'm hoping once I stable on meds in the coming month or so, I'll be somewhat better. It's hard to say what that will look like until I get there.

I feel like I'll be shaken for a lot longer though. I've lost all my confidence and hope and any sense of being grounded in myself, my interests and hopes. It's like I'm just here, going through my life, feeling disconnected and purposeless but at the same time, not ready to give up. Academics are stressful and competitive for the even the most mentally healthy. How can someone who nearly killed themself during their first semester (and then had to take a week off the third week of their second semester due to extreme instability) claim to want to have a career in it? Earlier this week, I literally couldn't speak in class because I got so overwhelmed that everyone was listening to me. In response to that, I told the professor I have a mental illness. Most everyone knows. Most have been as patient as possible with me, a few extremely kind. It's not that I'm worried about people knowing...it's that I'm worried at what does it become obvious this isn't working?

Please don't think that I am trying to minimize your symptoms or your experiences but honestly it sounds like your burned out. I was told once that grad school will make you lose your dignity and your will to live.
It may be time to take a break. Go get some experience in the field. Refresh your mind and find something new to focus on, or something you can add to your research.
If you are not comfortable with putting your plans on hold maybe you can discuss what you are going through with your psychiatric provider and identify whether or not they can provide you with some sort of long term anxiety medication. I would also suggest getting involved in some sort of group, whether it be for those with anxiety and irritability, a bipolar disorder group or just an ukulele playing group or an origami group. Just something not school related.
FTR I am speaking not as a psychiatric provider or counselor, I work in behavioral health as a case manager and you should take your doctor's advice and what your gut says over anything I say.

Good luck.